A physician’s son says to his mother, “Mommy, I didn’t know you could take a nurse apart.”
The mother says, “You can’t, Bobby. Where did you hear that you could?”
“Last night I overheard Daddy say he screwed the ass off a nurse!”
Jesus and Moses are chatting up in heaven, discussing their miracles. They both then get the idea to head back down to Earth to see if they both still have what it takes to do them again.
Deciding to start off easy, Jesus turns a few pieces of fish and bread into forty fish and loaves. Seeing this, Moses ups the ante and parts the Red Sea. Jesus then says,
“Hey, put that water back, and I"ll go out there and walk on it.” So Moses puts the water back, and Jesus tries to walk out but sinks. He tries again and again, but he keeps sinking.
“I don’t know what’s wrong,” said Jesus, “the last time I did this it worked perfectly!”
Moses looked at Jesus and said,
“Well last time you did it you didn’t have those damn holes in your feet!”
An Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a bear, a horse, 5 pigs, a termite and a piece of string all walk into a bar.
The barman says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
The angry crowd gathered to stone the prostitute, and Jesus spoke his famous line:
“Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.”
As the chastened crowd dispersed, a wizened little old lady shuffled up and threw a big rock, hitting the poor prostitute bang right between the eyes.
Jesus stomped over and, hands on hips, glared down at the old lady and hollered:
“MOTHER!”
You know this one, right?
What you don’t know is the pilot actually survived. You know what else? He has a new job, the only job he could find.
Hearse driver
There are, essentially, three topics in philosophy. Esthetics, Ethics, and Metaphysics. Esthetics is everything that isn’t ethics or metaphysics. Ethics is everything that isn’t esthetics or metaphysics. Metaphysics is “What the fuck is everything, anway?”
- Severn Darden
A guy goes into a bar, orders a pitcher of beer and tells the barkeep to keep 'em coming. He drinks without pause for hours. Six hours go by and the bartender wonders at the bladder the guy must have. Finally, it’s closing time. The bartender goes to the guy and tells him he has to go.
The guy stands up, walks to the window, opens it, then opens his fly, preparing to pee. The bartender rushes over, “Hey! Hey! You can’t do that here!” Says the guy, “I’m not going to pee here, I’m going to pee waaaay over there!”
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Two muffins are being baked in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Boy, it sure is hot in here, isn’t it?”
The other one jumps back and shouts: “HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!”
FWIW, I laughed out loud at the original joke.
Maybe I should move to Canada.
What should you do when you see an elephant with three balls?
Walk it and pitch to the rhino.
Sounds more like propaganda than a joke to me.
A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer are sitting together at a bar. They’re all three guys, and they get to talking about women.
The doctor is proudly married. “It’s better to have a wife than a girlfriend,” he says. “You never know what you might catch out there, sleeping around.”
The lawyer has a girlfriend. “It’s better to have a girlfriend than a wife,” he says. “That way, if things go sour and you split up, there’s no legal wrangling and no divorce settlement.”
The programmer has one of each, and says so. Astonished, the doctor and the lawyer ask him how exactly that’s working out for him.
“It’s great!” says the programmer. “I just tell my girlfriend that I’m spending the night with my wife, and tell my wife that I’m spending the night with my girlfriend, and then I can stay up all night on the computer!”
[Told that one to my mother the year I bought my father Return to Castle Wolfenstein for Christmas, and she became a video game widow. She begged me to tell it again and again every time a new relative came to visit. 
]
What’s the difference between a large pizza and my white trash cousin Ricky?
A large pizza feeds a family of four.
A pox on you! That’s my favorite joke, and you swiped it!
Didja hear about the two guys that walked into a bar?
The third one ducked.
So this duck walks into a bar, and waddles up to the bartender, and says, “Hey, got any duck food?” The bartender looks down at him, and says, “No, you moron. It’s a bar. We don’t have any duck food.” And the duck waddles off.
The next day, the same duck walks back into the bar, waddles up to the bartender, and says, “Hey, got any duck food?” The bartender, who has a bit of a temper, yells, “No! I told you yesterday we don’t have any duck food! This is a bar! Get out!” And the duck waddles off.
The next day, the same duck walks back into the bar, and waddles up to the bartender. The bartender freaks out and screams, “Don’t you even! If you open that beak and ask me if we have any duck food, I’m gonna nail your nasty little webbed feet to the floor!” The duck looks at him funny, and says, “Um, got any nails?” “NO!” screams the bartender.
“Cool,” says the duck, “got any duck food?”
Christ is on the cross, and weakly says, “Peter…Peter…”
Peter gets a ladder and tries to climb up the cross so he can hear what Jesus is saying, but the Romans push the ladder away, and Peter falls on the ground.
Jesus says again, “Peter…Peter…”
Again Peter tries to climb the ladder, and again the Roman soldiers push the ladder away, and Peter falls to the ground.
A third time, Jesus says, “Peter…Peter…”
Desperate to find out what wisdom Christ has in store for him, Peter defiantly climbs the cross and whispers to Jesus, “I am here, Lord. What is it?”
Weaker than ever, Jesus says, “Peter! I can see your house from here!” Then he died.
Two explorers are in darkest Africa when they are captured by an unknown native tribe. They are led to the chief and he tells them they will face a choice death or oougu.
The first explorer tries to ask what is oougu, but the chief tell him, “no questions, make choice”
Knowing what death is, he chooses oougu.
All of the males in the tribe go crazy. They grab the explorer and strip him naked and proceed to rape him both anally and orally for 8 hours straight. At the end the explorer is barely alive.
The chief says to the second explorer “Tomorrow you make choice”
All night long the second explorer cares for his injured comrade and worries about the morning.
So the next morning, when asked by the chief to make a choice, he says in a firm voice “I will take death.”
The chief replies"Fine, but first oougu!"
Alternate ending: “Fine, death by oougu!”
If you like puns, navigate to Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos
Then listen to denis_norden__my_word__east_is_east.mp3
and/or
ISIRTA_Eurovision_Pun_Contest_1968.04.28_s05e03.mp3
Each file is only a few minutes long.
I looked out my front door and a guy was stealing my gate. My wife said why didn’t you say something. I replied I didn’t want him to take offence.
Abe and Brian grew up in the same neighborhood, attended school together, and both entered school in their respective religious studies. They kept company over the years, the Rabbi and Priest getting together to play a game of chess and chat.
One afternoon, Brian asked Abe, “Have you ever tasted pork?” “Yes,” Abe replied. “I chanced upon a ham sandwich one afternoon, years ago.”
A few minutes later Abe asked, “Brian. Have you ever been with a woman?” “Yes,” Brian answered. “I spent the night with a girl I’d known for years just before I entered Seminary.”
A long silence fell between them, broken when Abe said, “Girls taste a helluva lot better than ham, no?”
Duck waddles into a drugstore and buys a chap stick. Druggist says will that be cash or charge. Duck says neither just put it on my bill.
Abe and Brian are on a hike in the woods. It’s a hot, humid day, and they come upon a clearing with a lovely meadow and an inviting pond. Like two schoolboys, they strip off their garments, run through the grass and plunge into the cool water. Feeling refreshed, they begin to retrieve their clothes when a group of children, led by some local ladies, emerge from the woods.
The two men rush for cover, the priest covering his privates, and the rabbi, his eyes. Once they’re back in the woods, Brian hisses, “Abe! What the hell were you covering your eyes for!?” Abe replies, “For you, I can’t speak, but in my congregation, my eyes they might recognize.”
Additions I’ve heard: There’s also a whore with a venereal disease inside and a guy who’s been standing outside for about an hour. What are their backgrounds?
The whore has German blood. The guy outside is Polish – he’s waiting for the red light atop the house to turn green, so he can cross the street.
Since strings and atoms can enter bars, it’s not surprising that there’s a tavern which caters exclusively to bits of pavement. It so happened one night that a sidewalk was chatting up a cute on-ramp when a section of bike lane entered. The bike lane was wearing a red-and-white striped Doctor Seuss hat, popping Ecstasy, and demanding that the house DJ play electronica. As the night went on, the bike lane became more insistent in his demands for the other patrons to
“get into the spirit”. The on-ramp became concerned, and asked the sidewalk, “Doesn’t that guy seem crazy to you?”
“Crazy?” responded the sidewalk.
Hell, he’s a raving cycle path!