My new favorite… Last night I was listening to the Oriole’s/Arizona Diamndback’s game, on the radio. Arizona made three errors in the first two innings, 4 overall. Resulting in a 6-0 Oriole lead.
Fred Manfra, one of the O’s radio announcers, said Arizona was using the Michael Jackson defense…
They had one glove on, but no one was sure why. 
[QUOTE=USCDiver]
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
[/QUOTE]
GROAN! 
A young married couple visit a doctor to ask about birth control “We’re just starting out and don’t feel ready to have children just yet.” They explain. “We want 100% reliable birth control, none of this 1% or 2% chance of failure.” The doctor thinks for a moment and says “Apples”. The couple are delighted! Apples! “Do we eat them before or after?” They happily ask.
“Instead.”
Two drunks are walking down the street. They pass an alleyway and notice a dog sitting there licking itself.
Drunk #1: Man, I wish I could do that!
Drunk #2: I don’t know… maybe you should just pet him first.
A guy gets into work late. His boss asks him why he is late.
“I ran over a bottle, it burst my tire.”
“Why didn’t you swerve round it?”
“I didn’t see it, the little bastard had it hidden under his jacket.”
A little girl is walking down the street. Aguy pulls up next to her in a car. He leans out.
“If I give you a sweet will you come in my car?”
“Give me the bag and I will come in your face.”
Why do women parachutists wear jockstraps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Where do women have curly hair?
Underneath their armpits.
Where else do women have curly hair?
Africa.
How do you get rid of flies from a woman’s pussy?
Come on her shoes.
Why do you wrap hamsters in sellotape?
So they don’t split when you fuck 'em.
And the most subtle joke of all. Let’s see if anyone gets this one.
What do you call a man with no arms?
Popeye
Best told, not read:
1: How many women on PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
2: How many?
1: Six.
2: Why six?
1: IT JUST DOES, OKAY?!
[QUOTE=Cyn]
A young married couple visit a doctor to ask about birth control “We’re just starting out and don’t feel ready to have children just yet.” They explain. “We want 100% reliable birth control, none of this 1% or 2% chance of failure.” The doctor thinks for a moment and says “Apples”. The couple are delighted! Apples! “Do we eat them before or after?” They happily ask.
“Instead.”
[/QUOTE]
Alternate end: Hold them between your knees.
Mahatma Gandhi was, as everyone knows, a deeply spiritual man. However, his ascetic lifestyle and poor diet left him in poor health, as well as giving him rather bad breath. Additionally, his journeys in bad, or even no, shoes left him with hard, rough pads of skin on his feet. This made him a:
super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
[QUOTE=BrassyPhrase]
Those are Chiasmus. (Chiasmi?)
I love those kinds of jokes.
[/QUOTE]
What’s the difference between a soprano and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks and frills.
Ghastly. Simply ghastly.
A young couple was thinking of joining the Catholic Faith, so they went to see a Priest.
The Father asked them many questions, and discussed what being a Catholic entailked.
Finally he said, “The main thing is commitment, so, do this for me and you will be welcomed into the church with open arms. I want you to refrian from any sexual activity for one month. Then come see me again.”
The young couple agreed and a month went by.
The Father asked: “So, have you been able to deny the flesh for an entire month?”
The couple blushed, and hemmed and hawed, and finally, the man said… “Well, the first week was Ok, the second week was tough, but by the third week I was going nuts! Then, I saw my wife bending over the freezer to take out some fish sticks, and her skirt rode up, and I just couldn’t help my self, I tore off my pants and took her from behind, right there by the freezer!”
The father looked sadly at the couple, and said “Well, that’s too bad, I am afraidI can not allow you to enter the faith…”
The woman finally piped up, and said “Yeah, and we can’t go back into Safeway again, either…!”
Regards
FML
I found out the other day that the ancient Hebrews made several kinds of cheese. Their favourite was a lot like Swiss, bubbles inside and all, but with a very tough rind, almost too hard to chew, so they usually just ate the inside and discarded the rind.
Two thousand years ago, it was a hard life for them. Their country had been occupied by the Romans for years, and now the people of the main cheese-making village feared that there was going to be a famine, so they went to a wise old man to ask his advice. “What can we do?” they asked. “What help is there?” The wise old man thought for a moment and replied “Save your holey cheese’s crust!”
(I can’t help it. I work in the cheese department of a local supermarket. When I tell cheese jokes at work they just Edam up.)
Not great, but Gouda 'nuff.
You know why Hitler never drank whiskey?
It made him mean.
[QUOTE=BobLibDem]
Jesus and St. Peter decide to descend to earth for a round of golf. On the fourth tee, Jesus pulls out a six iron. Peter says “Lord, are you sure about that club? I think you need at least a four iron to clear the water.”
Jesus answers, “I’ve seen Tiger Woods play this hole and he always uses a six iron.” Jesus takes his shot and PLOP! puts the ball in the water. He pulls out a second ball and PLOP! in the water again.
Peter says “Lord, please. Use more club.”
Jesus says, “Look, I’ve seen Tiger Woods play a six iron here.”
Jesus sends three more balls in the water. By this time the foursome from the third hole are waiting and watching. Still more balls in the water. Finally, one of the foursome approaches Peter and asks “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Peter says “He IS Jesus Christ. He THINKS he’s Tiger Woods.”
[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of two golf jokes I like:
Jesus, Moses and an elderly gentleman were playing golf.
Jesus steps up to the tee, swings, and hits the ball onto the water. He walks out onto the water and knocks the ball into the hole.
Moses steps up to the tee, swings, and hits the ball into the water. He walks up, parts the water and hits the ball into the hole.
The elderly gentleman steps up to the tee, swings, hits the ball into the water, it hits a turtle, bounces in the air, a bird catches it, drops it into the tree, a squirrel pushes it out of the tree, it bounces on the ground and a rabbit pushes it into the hole.
There were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours. Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it’s hit.
The priest said, “Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I’ll say a little prayer for these courageous souls.”
The doctor heard that and said “Don’t worry. I’ll send them to a friend of mine, he’s an ophtalmologist and he works wonders.”
The engineer said “Wait. Why can’t they just play at night?”
I don’t play golf, but I am an engineer.
So did you hear about the ex-NFL player who came out of the closet?
He came out of college as a tight end, but retired as a wide receiver.
Another God golfing joke:
A business man was playing golf with his priest. At the fourth hole he het the ball into the water. “GD Dam IT!” He yelled in frustration.
The priest chided him, gently about taking the Lord’s name in vain.
He apologized, but at the next hole he did it again. The priest was more forceful in his objections. Again the man apologized.
When it happened a third time the priest said if he didn’t watch his mouth, they would have to stop playing.
Apologizing once again the man said, “I won’t do it again, may God strike me dead!”
But alas, the next hole, he sliced into the woods, Once more the words fell out of his mouth, before he could stop himself.
The next moment, a lightning bolt streaks out of the sky striking the priest dead.
A booming voice cried. “DAMN, MISSED AGAIN!”
A guy went to apply for a job. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he was a veteran. The guy said “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”
Then the interviewer asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy responded, “Well, I stepped on a landmine over there and blew my testicles off.”
“Great!” the interviewer responded. “We give disabled Vets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”
“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?” asked the guy.
“Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10. All we do for the first two hours is just stand around and scratch our balls.”
A few months later the guy was called to the manager’s office, where he was told he should start at 8 AM from now on.
"But why,"asked the guy. “I thought all you do is scratch your balls until 10?”
“We do.” answered the manager. “But we just hired another veteran. This guy lost both his hands in combat.”
Main branch of Bank of America, downtown L.A. A security guard snaps unexpectedly and starts waving his gun around and threatening people. Everyone panics, and the other security guards are unable to contain him.
A teller throws a roll of quarters at him. It hits him in the head; he stops for a second, then continues lurching forwards. She throws more coin rolls, hitting him in the face, chest and stomach and slowing him up some. Finally, another roll of quarters hits him square in the nose, and he drops the gun and tries to stop the bleeding.
At which point the bank manager rushes over to the teller and says, “Rose! You can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it!”