The Home Depot scam is pretty funny.
And while it’s not really a joke, the Gerber’s UL got a friend howling the other night. She just. Wouldn’t. Stop.
You said the magic words! No one tells a joke better than GG, why didn’t I think of that? There are some priceless jokes in here (I cracked my office up with the dead hooker/corvette joke), but you reminded me of a joke I heard GG use at a roast once, that I think is the one I want to use. Here it is:
A man and his wife are driving along the countryside when the car hits an ice patch, skids out and flips over. The man crawls out relatively unscathed, but his wife is in bad shape. An ambulance comes and takes them to the hospital. He gets treated for minor injuries, but she goes into surgery. Several hours later, the doctor comes into the man’s room with a sad look on his face.
“Your wife is in stable condition, but she had some major injuries. She will no longer be able to speak, and can only use small gestures. She also has no control of her bodily functions, so you are going to have to clean her when she goes to the bathroom. She can’t feed herself, so you are going to have to cut her food up and feed it to her. Basically you are going to have to tend to her every daily need.”
The man is in tears at this point, sobbing “Oh my god this is awful!!”
And the doctor says “AAAAHH I’m just fucking with ya, she’s dead!”
I say this one every time one of these threads pop up:
What did one gay sperm say to another?
“How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?”
I find this one works better if it’s delivered as bad news/good news. Bad news, you have to tend her every need, yadda yadda. Good news, I was just kidding, she’s dead.
A cruise line employed a magician to do his act on one of their ships. Things went well for the first month, but since he always had a new audience, he would use the same show over and over. That wasn’t a problem until the captain’s parrot started to watch the show and ruin the act for the audience - “He’s switched hats.” “The deck is nothing but Aces of Spades.” The magician grew to hate the parrot with the fury of a thousand suns.
One night, the cruise ship struck an uncharted reef, and sank instantly. The magician managed to struggle to the surface and grab a piece of driftwood. It appeared he was the only survivor, until just after dawn, when the parrot landed on the driftwood.
They eyed each other with barely concealed loathing. One day passed, then two. Finally at sundown on the third day the parrot said, “OK. I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
Wha…? 
A little fella, under five feet, walks into a butcher shop and says he needs something lean and mean for dinner. The butcher, being soemthing of a dick, says, “hey buddy, I’ll give you five hundred bucks if you can reach the sirloins on the shelf above the fridge over there.” The fella thinks about it and says,
“I can’t take that bet. The stakes are too high.”
Man wakes up in the hospital following an auto accident. The doctor tells him “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“We had to amputate both of your legs.”
“That’s awful, what’s the good news?”
“The guy in the next bed has made a very nice offer on your shoes.”
Woman rushes into the hospital to find her husband with both arms in casts. “Doctor, doctor! Will he be able to play the piano?”
Doctor thinks for a moment- “Well, I don’t see why not.”
“That’s funny. He never could before.”
A man answers a knock on his door and sees a blonde college student. She says that she’s doing odd jobs this summer to pay for school, and asks if he has anything for her to do.
He says, “Sure, how much would you charge to paint my porch?”
She thinks for a bit and replies “$30”.
He’s thinking, this is some deal, and tells her the paint and supplies are in the garage.
She knocks again an hour later half covered in paint and says “The job is all done.”
The guys looks at the unpainted porch and says “Ya dumb blonde, you didn’t do a damn thing.”
She replies “I did so finish, and for your information Mr. Smartypants, it’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
This one is certainly not new, but it’s my all time favorite clean joke.
A bum, sleeping on a park bench, is awakened by a frantic zoo keeper. “Hey buddy,” the zoo keeper says, “how’d you like to make a quick 20 bucks?” The bum hasn’t had much to eat in over a week, and says sure. “Okay,” the keeper continues, “here’s the deal. I’ve got a whole busload of kids coming to my zoo this morning to see the gorilla. Problem is, the gorilla died last night. So all these kids are gonna be disappointed and demand their money back.” The bum agrees that this is, indeed, a problem. “So here’s what we’re gonna do. I’ve got a gorilla suit left over from last Halloween. If you’ll put on the suit, get in the cage, and act like a gorilla for all the kids, the 20 bucks is yours.”
So an hour later, the bum is wearing a gorilla suit and sitting behind a row of bars, with a whole busload of kids staring at him. After five minutes, though, the kids are starting to get restless. “This is boring,” some kid says, “he doesn’t do anything.” Worried about losing his claim on the promised 20 bucks, the bum beats on his chest a couple of times. The kids stop griping and watch with interest. So the bum starts hopping around and making gorilla noises. The kids love it. Getting into the role, the bum climbs up onto a jungle gym and begins swinging on the bars. But after a minute or so he loses his grip in mid-swing and goes flying through the air, slips right through the bars of the cage, and finds himself smack dab in front of a lion. He gets to his feet and runs for the cage door, yelling and screaming the whole way. Just as he reaches the door, the lion pounces on him, claps its paw over his mouth, and hisses “Quiet! Do you want us all to get fired?”
Q: What’s the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?
A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
A rabbi, a priest and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Two policemen are standing on a Moscow corner late one night in 1942. They greet Boris, a civilian, as he rushes by, then one of the policemen draws his gun and shoots Boris dead. The other policeman, horrified, says, “What did you do that for, Yuri?”
“Curfew violation.”
“But it’s still ten minutes until the curfew takes effect!”
Yuri shrugs. “I know where Boris lives. He never would have made it in time.”
Q: Why do Muslims appear so seldom in science fiction?
A: Because it takes place in the future.
eep.
Suddenly, the room goes cold. Someone in the back clears their throat. Out of politeness someone forces out a chortle.
So…heh heh…how about them Colts?
Freebird!
(This works well for any two sports rivals, just substitute appropriately.)
A Duke fan took his wife and two children shopping. The youngest, a 9 year old was wandering through the sports department and saw a throwback Michael Jordan UNC jersey. The child, being a huge Jordan fan from his Chicago Bull days, wanted to wear this jersey, but, as 9 year olds are wont to do, decided to wear a Carolina jersey, he needed to be a Carolina fan.
He looked over and spotted his 14 year old sister, and ran up to her. “Look, sis! It’s a Jordan jersey. I’m going to become a Tar Heel fan so I can wear this!” His sister smacked him upside his head, saying, “You better not let Dad see you with that. It’s disgusting.”
About that time his mother came up. “Look Mom!,” said the boy, “It’s an authentic Michael Jordan jersey. I’m going to become a carolina fan and wear it!” His mother smacked him and said, “Oh no you aren’t!” Grabbing him by his ear, she drug him to his father.
“Tell him what you told me,” she said. “It’s a Michael Jordan jersey, and I’m going to become a UNC fan and wear it.” the boy said.
His father grabbed him, turned him over his knee, and proceeded to give him 5 good swats on his bottom. “My grandfather went to Duke, my father went to Duke, I went to Duke, and no son of mine is going to wear anything from UNC.”
Throwing the jersey to a sales clerk, he gathered his family and left. Feeling bad that he had lost his cool, he decided to try and make it up to his child. “Well son,” he said. “Have you learned anything from this unfortunate incident?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “I learned that I’ve only been a Carolina fan for an hour, and already I can’t stand you Duke bastards.”
Q: You want to hear a clean joke?
A: Sure
Q: I took a bath with Bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke?
A: Sure
Q: Bubbles is the neighbor’s dog.
I’ve never figured out how this one works but its an insult joke for you buddy.
So I was driving with X the other day and there we were going past a farmer’s field and I saw this sheep with its head stuck in the fence. It was sitting there bucking and struggling and you know how you hear about people fucking sheep so I figured hell I’ll give it a shot. I pulled of to the side of the road and grab two handfulls of wool. I start going at it like mad, finnally I realise that X is just sitting there watching me. So I said “Hey, you want a piece of this?” And he was like ya but do I have to stick my head in the fence.
A guy walks into a dive bar, sits down, orders a beer and says “Hey, barkeep, I’ve got a great Teamsters joke…you wanna hear it?” A needle scratches across a record player, lightning flashes, the bar falls silent. The bartender says:
“Hey buddy, for twenty years I drove a truck and was a proud teamster. The guy sittin’ next to you? He’s a teamster, the guy on the other side of him? He’s a teamster. Now think it over bub, you still wanna tell your teamster joke?”
The guy thinks and says,
“Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
My favourite sequential joke.
Q. How many elephants can you fit in a mini ?
A. Four, two in the front two in the back.
Then give it some time and tell these.
Q. How do you know there is an elephant in your fridge ?
A. Because there are foot prints in the butter.
Q. How do you know there are TWO elephants in your fridge ?
A. Because you can here them whispering.
Q. How do you know there are THREE elephants in your fridge ?
A. Because you can’t shut the door properly.
Q. How do you know there are FOUR elephants in your fridge ?
A. The door’s been left open and there’s a mini parked out side!
My favorite, but I do a mean farmer accent.
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?”
“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya!”
I don’t get it.