In the spirit of Wally’s ball buster, I would like to share a joke I made up when I was a little kid. At the time, it was the most hilarious thing. Now, it just sucks.
Heaven is where:
The Chefs are French
The Lovers are Italian
The Police are British
The Mechanics are German
And everything’s organized by the Swiss
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.
.
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Hell is where:
The Chefs are British
The Lovers are Swiss
The Police are German
The Mechanics are French
And everything’s organized by the Italians
OK. Here is my new favorite joke. Kinda long so stay with me.
A guy walks into a pub while visiting in Ireland. He notices that the bartender seems a little depressed. He says to the barkeep, “You seem down in the dumps. What seems to be the trouble?”
The barkeep says, “Well, you see that fence out there. I built that fence with me own two hands. I laid every stone in place and it took me nearly twenty years. But do the call me Angus the fence builder? Nay.”
He takes a large swig of ale and says, “Do ya see this bar? I built it meself. I sanded and painted every board. It took me ten years. But do they call me Angus the Bar builder? Nay.”
He helps himself to another large drink of ale and says, “Do ya see that wee bonnie dock out back? I sunk every pier meself and drove every nail by hand. It took me nearly fifteen years. But do they call me Angus the dock builder? Nay.”
The bartender finishes his drink and says, “Aye. But you fuck one goat…”
-Jesus Saves
He passes to Mike Modano. THEY SCORE!!!
The Indian chief was having a talk with his youngest son.
“Father,” he said, “I have a question.”
“What is it, my son?”
“How do we children get our names?”
“Well, my son, take your sister, Wind-in-the-Pines. When your mother gave birth to her, I walked outside and looked around, and I saw a breeze shaking the trees.”
“I see,” said his son.
“And your brother, Golden Bear. When your mother gave birth to him, I walked outside and the first thing I saw was a majestic golden bear. Now do you understand, my son?”
“I suppose,” said the son, “But I don’t think that is a very good method for naming someone.”
I was sittin’ dere ona bench in fron da genrl store an I look up to see mah good fran Gaston come walkin from way down other end da street. I see he got some kinda rolled up paper in his back a da pants pocket an he walk up to a lady dere on da sidewalk an he spoken to her. She rare back an SLAP! him raght across he face. He proceed to approach nearer to me dere,and he spoken to some other ladys, I can’t hear what he say but dey all huff up an SLAP! him raht in the side part of da fron of his face. Finally he ask a lady right near by to me, I still don hear what he say but I hear her say, " I don’t know what you’re talking about but I don’t like the sound of it !" an SLAP! Finally I tooken all I can take of that an I say," Gaston, what for you botherin’ these nice ladies?" He say," M Jean,Ah am glad for you to see me ,Ah bet. Ah been done askin dem ladies if dey tell me what part of da female body is the brawl and the yet." " What do you mean ,Gaston? I have never been hearing of dose parts." He take out dat paper and he show me, " See, it say raht here in da New Orlean’s Picayune,‘Woman Shot in Brawl,the Bullet is in Her Yet.’ "
“Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.”-Marx
What do you call a person who can speak several languages: Multilingual. What do you call a person who can speak two languages: Bilingual. What do you call a person who can only speak one language?
American.
This one seems to be a big hit with people who have to learn English in order to survive, but rarely gets a chuckle out of native English speakers who never have to learn anybody else’s language to exist just fine.
OK, I guess my first joke didn’t meet with the success it deserved.
Mr. Neutron walks into a bar.
Bartender: “What will you have Mr. Neutron?”
“Give me a Bloody Mary”.
He sips the drink, smacks his lips, downs it.
“Give me another.”
After a few more, he tells the bartender:
“That wash very good. Besht Bloody Mary I’ve had. How much do I owe you?”
“For you, no charge.”
An ion walks into the same bar a few minutes later. He tells the bartender that he lost his wallet, and would the barkeep please check the lost and found.
The bartender does so, returning to say, “I don’t have it. Are you sure you left it here?”
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, was getting tired of this and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what he was doing.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” Bob snapped.
“Sure it will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”
– Sylence
I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.
