Mine is usually a joke about a broken pencil, but then I realized it was pointless.
Mine is about the kidnapping last week…his parents woke him up.
A girl walks into a doctor’s office with a banana in her ear and two grapes up her nose. After a thorough examination, the doctor said “You’re not eating right.”
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball? He had nobody to go with.
You can have one if you want to, you can have two if you want one.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It was nice gnawing you…
A turtle and a snail are both going down the street, in opposite directions. They get into a terrible head-on collision. Ambulances arrive and take them both to the hospital. They manage to revive the snail and ask him, “Did you hit the turtle or did he hit you?”
The snail replies, “I don’t know - it all happened so fast!”
A pair of jumper cables goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender looks the cables up and down, then says…
'O.K., but don’t start anything in here!"
How do you sell a duck to a deaf guy?
DO YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?
Q: What did the fish say when it swam headfirst into a concrete wall?
A: Dam!
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed – I never knew they worked.
or, actually:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
I came in to this thread to tell my deja vu joke, but you’ve probably already heard it.
How do you get chicken fingers?
Kick the chicken in the butt and when it goes “BAAAAWK” (hold arms out like wings, fingers spread wide) you cut off its fingers!
How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t: you get down off a duck.
Do you know the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Well, anyone can roast beef.
I still remember this from the third grade.
Why was the little strawberry worried?
Her mother and father were in a jam.
I think I have split personality disorder. No, I most certainly do not.
A general walks up to a private. “Private, do you have change for a dollar?”
Private: 'Sure, pal, how’s 4 quarters?"
General: "Private, when you are speaking to a superior officer, you are to snap to attention and address him as “Sir”! Now, let’s try this again: Private, do you have change for a dollar?’
Private: “No, Sir!”