The 6th grade exchange student from Norway was told to write a poem for his homework assignment. He didn’t really have a handle on English yet, but he gave it his best shot. The next day he handed his homework to the teacher. It looked like this:
Saville dere dago.
Toussin bussis inaro.
Nojo, dossis trux.
Summit cousin, summit dux.
The teacher couldn’t understand it, so he asked the kid to read it. The kid read it, and it sounded like this :(Now, assume your best Nordic accent.)
Say, Villy, dere day go.
T’ousand busses in a row.
No, Joe, dose is trucks.
Some wit’ cows an’ some wit ducks.
This was reprinted recently in Readers Digest, originally from one of the PHC’s “pretty good joke” books.
The FBI, CIA, and the NYPD decide to have a contest to determine once and for all who is the best. A rabbit is released into the woods and whoever finds it first is the superior organization. After 3 months and finding nothing the FBI announces: “rabbits do not, in fact, exist.” The CIA announces: “It has been determined that the rabbit is no longer a threat to security.” The NYPD is seen dragging a badly beaten bear out of the forest exclaiming “OK, OK! I’m a rabbit already!”
So this 10-year-old boy walks up to the town whorehouse dragging a flattened frog on the end of string. The madam answers the door, and the kid holds out a handfull of money. She thinks this may be amusing, so she lets him in.
"What can we do for you sonny? she asks.
“I’d like to sleep with Lusty Lisa, and I can pay.”
“Son, Lusty Lisa is known to have every VD imaginable. She is retired, no one wants her anymore.”
“I know that, and I want her. I’ll pay double, I’ve been saving my paper route money just for this.”
The madam figures money is money and sends the boy up to room 13, Lusty Lisa. He comes back down a few minutes later, still dragging the flat frog on the string. On the way out the door he says “Thanks.”
The madam says “Wait a minute, I can’t let you leave without getting to the bottom of this. Why would you want to sleep with Lusty Lisa when you know all the diseases she has?”
“Well,” says the boy “I slept with her and now I have VD. When I get home I’m going to wake up the babysitter and sleep with her. She will have VD. When mom and dad get home dad will drive the babysitter home. He always does her in the car, so he will get VD. When he gets home he will be so excited by the babysitter he will sleep with mom, she will have VD. When dad goes to work tomorrow the mailman will come, and mom will sleep with him. I want him to get VD because he’s the son of a bitch that ran over my pet frog.”
So there’s this Koala bear eating out this prostitute.
The Koala finishes up, wipes off his mouth, and heads to the door. “Wait a sec,” says the prostitute, “where do you think you’re going? You owe me $50!”
The Koala says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” So the prostitute reaches over to grab a dictionary and opens it up to “prostitute”. “See,” she says, “it says right here: Prostitute – a person who gets paid for sexual services.”
“Gimme that,” replies the Koala, grabbing the dictionary. He turns to “Koala bear” and shows it to the prostitute. “See,” he says, “it reads: Koala Bear – a small marsupial that eats bushes and leaves.”
A man walks into bar (and the next one ducked! ooops different joke.) and he sees a horse behind the counter. The horse looks up at him, and says “What can I get ya mister?” The can’t beleive it! There’s a horse working behind the counter! A HORSE WORKING AT A BAR JUST ASKED HIM WHAT HE’D LIKE TO DRINK! He couldn’t believe it! He did what anyone should probably do in this situation. He ran. When he could go no further, he walked. When he could walk to further, he crawled. Finally, totally exhausted, he passed out on the side of the road. I farmer see him by the side of the road and helps him out. “What’s the matter, son, why are you passed out by the side of the road here?” The man barely is able to utter the terrible words “There’s a horse working at the bar in town”. The farmer says, “What’s so strange about that?” In his last breath before passing out again, the man says, “I didn’t know the giraffe wasn’t working there anymore!”
O.K. new joke…
A wealthy old man is about to die and doesn’t have any family that he wants to leave his fortune to, so he has a scientist build a younger clone of himself. That way he can just leave his money to a younger version of himself. (his self? ~whatever~)
Unfortunately the clone isn’t what the man had hoped for. He would always go out and party all night long. He was spending tons of money on hookers and booze, and the old man wasn’t even dead yet! Every time the old man turned around, his young clone was getting into trouble for something new. Some days it was sexual harrasment, some days it was exposing himself, and other days it was for general lewd conduct. The old man decided this wasn’t such a good idea after all, so he decided to kill his clone. One day, the old man lured his clone to the edge of a very tall cliff and pushed the clone to his death. The police came and immediately arrested him. Can you guess what they arrested him for?
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For making an ‘obscene clone fall’ of course!
A small tribe in Africa so loved their king, that they wanted to give him a gift that showed how much they adored him. Even though they were so poor that they lived in grass huts they managed to build a throne of Gold adorned with fabulous jewels. The kind LOVED the throne, but he was also afraid that since it was so valuable that someone would try to steal it. The king decided to surround the throne with poisonous snakes and spiders, and if you didn’t fallow the right path to the throne, you might be impaled on a hidden bed of spikes with poisonous tips. On day the king was on his way to sit in his throne, when he tripped and fell right into a bed of the poisonous snakes. He was bitten and immediately died. What’s the moral of this story?
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People who live in grass houses, shouldn’t stow thrones!
Three mice are sitting at the local bar, drinking heavily.
The first mouse slams a shot of tequila and says “Yup! the first thing I do every morning is walk up to that mousetrap at my place, benchpress the trap 50 times, then walk off with the cheese!”
The second mouse drinks a shot of Jagermiester with one gulp, and says “Ya know, the first thing I do every morning is go scoop up some of that rat poisen in front of my home, then make coffee with it. It’s a little bitter, but it wakes me up pretty nicely!”
The last mouse is quiet. Finally, he takes a sip of his whiskey, puts it slowly down on the bar, gets up and says “This is boring. I’m gonna go fuck the cat.”
The other nite a girl called me and said “come on over, nobody’s home.”
I went over, nobody was home.
I was so ugly when i was a baby, my mother refused to breast feed me, she said she only liked me as a friend.
both by rodney dangerfield
We live in an age that reads too much to be wise, and thinks too much to be beautiful–Oscar Wilde
Bill and Hillary were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill, wake up.” Bill stays sleeping so Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill, wake up.” Bill finally wakes up and says “what do you want?” Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.” To which Bill says, “please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me that you have to go to the bathroom.” Hillary says, “No, I just wanted you to save my spot.”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Cheese Sandwich, a dollar-fifty…chicken sandwich, two-fifty…hand job, ten bucks.” He says to the cute blonde barmaid, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She says, “Yes, I am.” He says, “Then go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich.”
A man goes to a pet store looking for an unusual pet. The clerk says, “You’ll want a ruvel then, that’s the most unusual pet we have!”
The man takes the ruvel home in its little cage, but realizes he doesn’t know what to feed it, and the pet store is closed.
[Aside: of course, today he’d have looked it up on the internet…]
The man tries everything: lettuce, hamburger, bread…the ruvel won’t eat anything. Finally, as the man bends over to try one last thing, a dollar bill slips out of his pocket and falls into the cage. The ruvel gobbles it up and looks up expectantly at the man…
Realizing that he’s gotten into a situation he can ill afford, the man returns the ruvel to the pet store the following day. “Why didn’t you tell me it eats money?!” he yells at the clerk.
“I thought everyone knew that money is the eat of all ruvels!”
When I was a kid, to keep my little sister from taking my money I tried hiding it in the cage with my pet mouse since she was afraid of mice. Later I came back and the bills were all chewed to shreds.