What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
Having to go to bed so early.
-PIGEONMAN-
Hero For A New Millennium!
The Legend Of PigeonMan - updates every Wed & Sat. If I can be bothered.
Honey, are you a pedophile?
That’s an awfully big word for such a little girl
LOL, good God people!
HA GuanoLad
How can you joke about Pedophiles?
Unless you are one!
If you are!" LOOK OUT"
You never know who is there
in the dark or around the next
corner!
STAY STRONG
Why was the Million Man March so successful?
Only 3 people had to take off work
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(although there are jokes about bestiality, European stereotypes, and pedophilia; I have a funny feeling I might’ve gone over the line with this one)
A three-legged dog walks into a western bar and says, “I’m lookin’for the man who shot my paw.”
Two peanuts were walking through the park. One was assaulted.
Okay, so both of these work better verbally.
The margarine of evil
Re: the panda joke…I heard a different version, which is basically the same thing…
A panda walks into a restaurant. He eats his meal, pays, pulls out a machine gun, shoots at random people, then walks out the door. The manager gets up from the counter he was hiding under and asks “What the hell are you doing!?!?!” The panda says as he’s walking out, “I’m a Panda. Look it up.” The bar tender looks it up, and it says:
Panda (PÂN·duh) : A large black and white animal native to China commonly mistaken for a bear. Eats chutes and leaves.
Okay, here’s another one. Some of you may have heard this one before, because I think I may have gotten this one off of the SDMB. (I don’t remember for sure):
Monica Lewinsky is eating a sub-sandwich, and she accidentally spills some of the mustard on her shirt. So she takes it to the dry cleaners and asks how much it will cost to get it clean. The guy says “Come again?” and she replies,
“No, mustard this time.”
Hahahahaha. I also have many offensive racist jokes, but I’ll keep those to myself.
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. LOL
On the wall are clocks, all showing different times. She inquired about the clocks and was told each clock belonged to a different person and that every lie told added one minute to the clock.
“Where is Bill’s clock,” asked Hillary?
“Jesus is using it for a ceiling fan,” was the reply.
KJ:
It’s “shoots”, the tender early growth of many plants. “Chutes” are the things your luggage comes out of at the airport.
S
Best recent joke:
A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher walk in a bar. The bartender says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
Old faves:
1st British chap: “Sorry to hear they buried your wife.”
2nd British chap: “Had to. Dead, you know.”
Dad and little boy are out for a walk and see 2 dogs mating. Little boy asks what they are doing. Dad says they are making puppies. Later, little boy walks in on parents having sex; asks what Daddy is doing to Mommy. Dad says: “We’re making you a little brother or sister.” Boy says: “Turn her over, Daddy. I’d rather have puppies.”
Drunk walks in front door of bar and shouts: “Gimme a drink!”
Bartender says: “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you. Please leave.”
Drunk grumbles, but leaves, only to stagger in side door a few minutes later, yelling “Gimme a drink!”
Bartender says: “Sir, you are already drunk. I can’t serve you. Now get out.”
Drunk grumbles, leaves through side door, comes in through back door a few minutes later, hollering: “Gimme a drink!”
Bartender says: “Look, buddy, I’m not gonna serve you. Get the hell out of here or I’ll call the cops!”
Drunk looks at him, frowning, and says: “Just how many bars do you work in, anyway?”
What do you call a Monkey with no wings?
A bat, get it!
Have you heard about those new courderoy pillows?
They’re really making headlines!
I might get a little flak for this one . . . but oh well, here goes.
Why do homosexuals have handlebar mustaches?
To hide their stretch marks.
This guy has been having stomach problems, feeling hungry all the time, can’t seem to get enough to eat. So he goes to the doctor, and the doctor gives his diagnosis: tapeworm.
“Now, there’s two ways I can take care of this for you, sir,” says the doctor. “There’s surgery, which is expensive, and you’ll be off your feet for a little while.”
“I don’t want surgery,” says the man.“What’s the other way?”“Okay,” says the doctor. “Come back here tomorrow, and bring a peanut butter sandwich and a vanilla wafer.” The man leaves, scratching his head, a bit puzzled at the doctor’s request. But he does what the doctor says, and the next day he goes back with the peanut butter sandwich and the vanilla wafer. “Okay, drop your pants,” says the doctor. So the man does, and the doctor proceeds to stuff the sandwich and the cookie up the man’s butt. “Hey! Hey! What the f*** are you doing?” The man hollers. “You want to get rid of this tapeworm or not?” says the doctor. “Just leave it to me, okay? Now come back tomorrow, and bring a tuna fish sandwich and an Oreo.” So, the guy does what the doctor says, and gets another sandwich and cookie stuffed up his behind. But this time, after the doctor gets done, he tells the man, “Okay, when you come back tomorrow, bring a bologna sadwich and a ball-peen hammer.” “A hammer?” says the guy. “Yes, a bologna sadndwich and a ball-peen hammer,” says the doctor.
The man goes back to the doctor the next day, with a bologna sandwich and a ball-peen hammer. The doctor stuffs the sandwich up the guy’s butt, just like before. After a minute, though, the tapeworm sticks his head out of the guys butt, and hollers “HEY! WHERE’S MY COOKIE?” and the doctor smashes the tapeworm over the head with the hammer.
I read this in a 1940’s book of “adult” humor. Don’t kill the messenger.
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I once lost my corkscrew and had to live on food and water for several days
-W.C. Fields
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm
Two nuns are in the showers, washing off after a hard day of praying and whatnot.
One nun asks the other: “Where’s the soap ?”
The other replies: “It does, doesn’t it ?”
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
Coldfire:
huh?
Stoi, it’s very subtle. In fact, it had to be explained to ME by the person that told it, but I blamed it on the fact that I’m Dutch.
Hint: Think about words that sound the same but mean different thinks. And, a dirty mind helps as well 
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
Mean different THINGS, even. It’s confusing enough already…
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after having sex?
I’ll be home in half an hour.