What do a duck and a plum have in common?
They’re both purple.
Except for the duck.
8.5 points.
6 points.
7 points.
7 points.
Hedgehogs.
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Why can’t they just share the hedge?
5 points.
One day Harold dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his book and tells Harold he died to soon and he needs to send him back to earth. But he can’t go back as himself, his family thinks he died. Harold is told there is a small chicken farm near his old home and he can go there and be near his family. Harold agrees.
The next thing Harold realizes he is a chicken. He has never been a chicken before so he goes up to a big rooster and asks how to be a chicken. The rooster tells Harold it’s easy. Want to eat? Scratch the ground and eat seeds. Want sex? Go jump on any hen and have fun. Have to shit? No problem, go right where you stand. The rooster tells Harold to go ahead and shit right there. Harold does and it feels great. Harold starts walking around and taking a shit wherever he wants.
Suddenly Harold hears his wife’s voice. “Harold, Harold, Harold”. Harold can’t believe it. He responds “Yes Edna, I hear you. I’m a chicken.” He then hears his wife’s voice again. “Wake up you idiot, your shitting in the bed again.”
What did the blind, deaf, crippled, retarded boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
If you laugh at that one, be sure to save a spot in Hell for me.
The nerdy guy goes into a bar, orders two martinis and sips one of them for most of the evening. The bartender eventually asks, whats up with the second one? The nerdy guy says “The universe works on pure chance. It’s conceivable that the atoms in the atmosphere could sponteneously rearrange themselves into a beautiful woman sitting on the barstool next to me, so then I’d have a drink ready for her.”
The bartender points to the two ladies having a girls-night-out at the other end of the bar. “Why don’t you buy a drink for one of them, instead? They might come by and say hi.”
The nerdy guy says “Yeah, right. What’s the chance of that?”
Woman goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have Viagra?”
Pharmacist replies: “Yes, ma’am I do.”
Woman asks: “Can you get it over the counter?”
Phramacist says: " I can if I take two!"
Q
A man is walking down the street and notices a guy carrying a long fiberglass pole. He asks the man “Are you a pole vaulter?”
The man replies “Nein. I am German. And how did you know my name was Walter?”
To what question is the answer “9W”?
"Herr Wagner, do you spell your name with a V?
In the same vein…
A. “Chicken Yashimoto”
Q. What is the name of the only surviving kamikaze pilot?
I tend to forget jokes, but remeber a few good ones. They’re all longish, so I’ll make this a puzzle within a puzzle, just posting a brief excerpt from the middle of each joke.
Joke #1 is the one I use reliably to get laughs; I think it’s rather little-known, though I did originally find it on the Internet.
#1 … he became a regular at the pub. One day he walked in and ordered two pints of beer instead of his usual three…
#2 … Dick Cheney looked around the Clock Room with a worried look. “Where’s my clock?” he asked St. Peter. …
#3 … she took him up to her penthouse apartment. “Honey, I own this whole building. I payed for it with my BJ’s” …
#4 … the dial counted back to “1”; the door opened; Amish father and son stood in disbelief as a beautiful blond stepped out …
#5 … although it was his turn, he set down his putter and bowed his head as the procession drove by…
#6 … when they were almost out of earshot, the man yelled at them “You’re in an airplane!” …
Oh, no! They’re both fine! My doctor just told me I had to quit drinking
The guys in the office are using it as a ceiling fan
I don’t know this one 
“Get mom over here quick and put her in this box!”
I think I used to know this one, but I can’t remember at the moment…
I think this one isHe must be from Microsoft – he took a really long time to come up with an answer, it was completely accurate, but it does us no good whatsoever
A foursome of men were on the 14th green of a golf course, when they saw a funeral procession driving by. Although it was his turn, one man set down his putter, took off his hat, bowed his head, closed his eyes, placed the hat over his heart, and stayed that way until the hearse went by.
One of the other players said, “Gosh, that was a very nice gesture.”
The man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. We were married nearly 30 years.”
This SOUNDS like a variation on a different joke I used to know.
Is the punch line, “Oh God, if only I’d known, I’d have given you ALL my business”?
9 points.
5 points.
7 points.
8 points.
10 points!
8 points.
8 points.
-10 for the hijack.
Well done, Noone Special! #6 has a slightly more complicated punchline, but you got the basic idea. Astorian got #5. #3 may be too off-color…
Sorry to Mean Mr. Mustard. I’m not sure what you mean by “hijack” but it was not my intent to give any offense or be troublesome.
Can you post the whole jokes?
I asked my doctor to give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.
Ahh, I just felt that you derailed the flow of the thread. No biggie.
10 points for the apology.
8 points.