Wow, Septimus just won the thread.
I’m now pretty sure joke #3 is an old, naughty one that I heard in a slightly different format.
I’ll mix the version I know with the way I infer #3 is supposed to go:
An old man was just laid off from his job. He’s stressed out and depressed, and goes home to tell his wife, “Darling, I have bad news. I’ve lost my job. We have no money saved. We’re bankrupt, destitute. We’re going to lose the house and everything we own, and we’ll have nothing to live on in our retirement.”
His wife smiled and said, “Don’t worry, dear. We’re fine. In fact, we’re rich. Come with me, and I’ll show you something.”
The old lady took him downtown to a high-rise apartment building, and took him up the elevator to the penthouse. The old man asked, “Won’t the owners be mad we’re here?” The wife smiled and said, “We ARE the owners! We own this penthouse. In fact, we own this whole building. We’re going to live out our golden years in comfort.”
The astonished husband asked, “But… how did we pay for all this?”
His wife told him, “Well, you’ve always been such a randy little devil! Over all the years we’ve been married, every time we had sex, I took some money from your wallet. Every time I gave you oral sex, I took double. I invested the money in stocks and real estate. Why, blow jobs alone paid for this building.”
Suddenly, the husband looked gloomy. The wife asked, “What’s wrong, honey?” The man groaned, “Oh God, if I’d known, I would have given you ALL my business.”
The reason I posted excerpts is because these jokes are of the “shaggy dog” variety: it might be faster for me to hunt them down with Google than type them in. astorian told #5 already; his #3 is different from mine, but his is much funnier.
#1 I discovered, believe it or not, several years ago Googling to find out what “Purimspiel” meant! Since then it’s my favorite joke and always gets big laughs – though the laughs may be due in part to the joke finally being over. (I tell it lengthily.)
Just now I Googled
“(purim OR purimspiel) brothers drinking three beer”
and got
Lots of funny jokes there! The three-beer joke is about 4/5 of the way down, but their version is quite different than the one I tell. (Mine has nothing to do with Vietnam and my punchline is “No, me brothers are both fine! It’s me! Doctor told me stop drinking!”)
I’ll type in a summary of #2 (as well as one of the others if you insist you’ll be unable to sleep otherwise).
Dick Cheney dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter takes him on a tour; they finish up in the clock room. Millions and billions of clocks. “There’s a clock for every person who ever lived” explains St. Peter, “They move at a rate directly related to how often that person lied.” They look around; some are moving fast, some slow. George Washington’s is barely moving at all: he reformed after the cherry tree lie.
Dick Cheney looks around the Clock Room with a worried look. “Where’s my clock?” he asks St. Peter. “Hmm. Dick Cheney… Dick Cheney”, mumbles St. Peter. “Oh I remember! We don’t keep it here. It’s up in the front office; we use it as a fan.”
When I was a kid, the joke teller would always insert the name of a friend he wanted to insult, and the sin wasn’t lying but masturbation.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impatien…
MOO!
Yes, that’s how I heard it too, 37 years ago or so. Insulting lying politicians was my own invention.
Hmmm, maybe we have a connection. The joke teller for me had initials B.R. …
Great version of “#3” by the way. I’d heard that one before but it’s just another of many many good jokes I’ve forgotten.
Nope. Johnny Q won it back in post #29 (as referenced in post #36). Well, let’s just say he was the first winner.
7 points.
Good effort, but zero points.
Here’s two X-mas themed jokes with the same set-up:
VERSION #1
The Three Wise Men locate & pay homage to the infant Christ in the manger. The first Wise Man approaches the manger. He says to Mary, the Virgin Mother of God and exclaims “Truly this is a blessed child! Please accept this gift of Frankincense in adoration.” Mary is touched by this gift and sheds tears of gratitude.
The second Wise Man approaches the manger. He says to Mary, the Virgin Mother of God and exclaims “This is without a doubt the King of Kings. Accept this gift of myrrh in adoration.” Mary is speechless to receive such a gift.
The third Wise Man approaches the manger. He says to Mary, the Virgin Mother of God and exclaims “The Lord has become flesh! Accept this gift of gold bricks in adoration.” Mary is beside herself. “Joseph & I are poor peasant folk. We’ve never even SEEN gold! Thank you! And thank you all very much.”
And after a while, the Wise Men depart. On their way out of Bethlehem, the First & Second Wise Men turn to the third. “I thought” says the first “we agreed to keep the gifts under $20!”
VERSION #2
The Three Wise Men locate & pay homage to the infant Christ in the manger. The first Wise Man approaches the manger. He says to Mary, the Virgin Mother of God and exclaims “Truly this is a blessed child! Please accept this gift of Frankincense in adoration.” Mary is touched by this gift and sheds tears of gratitude.
The second Wise Man approaches the manger. He says to Mary, the Virgin Mother of God and exclaims “This is without a doubt the King of Kings. Accept this gift of myrrh in adoration.” Mary is speechless to receive such a gift.
The third Wise Man approaches the manger. But as he is kneeling, he loses his balance and bangs his knee on the wooden manger. “Ow! Jesus CHRIST!!” he exclaims testily.
And Mary looks at the third Wise Man and gasps. Then she beams and says “Jesus Christ! Oh Joseph, that’s a much better name for the baby than Mortimer Herkowitz!”
8 points.
7 points.
I guess it’s time to throw my own in here:
Q: Why did the Three Wise Men show up at the manger wearing rubber boots and carrying axes?
A: Because they came from afar.
Quick, someone gimme some points! (or not)
It’s not bad, but by your rules… 0 points 
Isaac, a nice little old Jewish man, is walking through a Berlin park in 1934. Suddenly a big limousine pulls up beside him, and Heinrich Himmler jumps out. He points a Luger pistol at Isaac and barks, “Jewish swine! Eat that dogshit on the sidewalk!” The man sees the Gestapo chief is dead serious, so he reluctantly gets down on his hands and knees and starts eating the dogshit.
Himmler laughs so hard he drops his gun. Isaac immediately picks up the gun, and says, “OK, Mr. Big Shot, now YOU eat the dogshit!”
Himmler swears a blue streak but gets down on his hands and knees and starts eating the dogshit. Isaac waits until Himmler’s finished, then knocks him out with the butt of the gun and runs back home.
His wife lets him in. “So, how was your day?” she asks.
He shrugs. “Eh, I’ve had better. But you’ll never believe who I had lunch with…”
So there’s three mice sitting around in a bar chatting with each other. First mouse takes a shot of vodka, then says “You know what? I’m so tough, that every day I take a little rat poison, to build up an immunity to it.”
Second mouse takes two shots of whiskey, then says, “That’s nothing. Every morning, I walk over to the mouse trap, and I do twenty reps of that bar before I steal the cheese”
Third mouse throws back three shots of tequila, and says “It’s been nice shooting the shit with you boys, but I’ve got to go home and fuck the cat.”
Did you hear about the Amish girl who was excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.
There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.
The first farmer asks, “I’d like to buy a rooster.”
The second farmer says, “No problem. What’s he for?”
The first farmer says, “I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs.”
The second farmer points to a rooster, “Okay. Take Brewster over there… he’ll do all your chickens for you.” The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.
The first farmer exclaims, “What? You’ve got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He’s breathing like there’s no tomorrow.”
The second farmer says, “Don’t worry, he’ll do fine. I guarantee he’ll do all your chickens and you’ll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine.”
Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, “Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold.” He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.
As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he’s done with one, he does another, and another…
The farmer says, “Take it easy Brewster! You’re going to hurt yourself!”
Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.
The farmer is starting to get a little worried.
Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer’s wife!
Some time passes and the farmer can’t find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.
The farmer cries out to himself, “Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what’s happened.”
Brewster opens one eye and whispers, “Shhh! They’re about to land.”
That’s the only 10 in my book.
It would score a 0 from me. Though I found it hilarious the first time I heard it.
Q. Why don’t blind people sky dive?
A. It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Q. What goes tap tap tap BOOM!!!?
A. Blind man navigating a minefield.
Three homeless guys are sleeping next to each other…
In the morning they all wake up.
Guy on left says…“What a great dream I had!! This hot chick was jerking me off!!”
Guy on right says…“Wow!! I had the same exact dream!!”
Middle guy says…" You guys are lucky, In my dream i was just down hill skiing"
What are the only three fish that begin and end with the letter K?
- Killer shark
- Kippered haddock
- Kilmarnock
It’s a plaice in Scotland.
7 points.
6 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
10 points! Congrats Tattman, our second winner.
5 points.