What’s a foot long and slippery?
a slipper
Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, was starting to feel his age, and decided to hire an apprentice bell ringer to help him out.
He put a sign asking for applicants and, soon enough, one young man made the climb up the tower to see him.
“Do you know much about bell ringing?” asked Quasi.
“Not really, but I reckon I could pick it up. Watch this!” he replied.
The applicant strode confidently across the belfry. Too confidently, because he tripped and fell face first onto one of the bells: CLLLANNNNGGG!!! The poor young man fell down through the bell tower, stone dead.
Two nuns walking through the cathedral stop and look at the body. One says, “Sister, do you know this man?” And the other nun says, “No, but his face sure rings a bell!”
And the first nun says, “You’re right! He’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo!”
And a late Christmas joke: Joseph and Mary are playing strip poker in the manger. The door opens and the wise men come in, whereupon Mary says, “Sorry, Joseph, your two pair doesn’t cut it - I’ve got three kings!”
Regarding: “One day Harold dies and goes to the pearly gates…”
I am STILL laughing! Thanks, Racer! 
A two-parter:
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A raisin.
John and Mary are in church. As the minister winds up his sermon, Mary leans into John and whispers, “I’ve just let off three silent farts. Once people smell them I’ll be so embarrassed. Is there anything we can do?”
John says, “Well, for a start we can get your hearing checked.”
Boudreaux is sittin’ on his front porch one morning when Thibodeaux stops by in his boat and yells, “Hey Boudreaux, I got me som’ dat duck tape and I’m goin’ duck huntin’, d’ya wanna go?”
Boudreaux yells back, “Mais no, you ain’t gonna catch no ducks wit no duck tape, you crazy.” So Thibodeaux left, and stopped by later in the day with a boat full of ducks.
The next day Thibodeaux stops by and yells, “Hey Boudreaux, I got me some Nutra-sweet, and I’m goin’ nutria huntin’, do ya wanna go?” and Boudreaux yelled back, “You crazy, you ain’t gonna catch no nutria wit no nutra-sweet, I ain’t goin.” Thibodeaux stopped by later in the day with a boat full of
nutrias he’d trapped.
The next day Thibodeaux stops by Boudreaux’s house and yells, “Hey Boudreaux, I got me some o’ dat pussy willow, and I…”
Boudreaux stopped him and yelled “I’ll be right there, let me git my hat”.
9 points.
Zero points.
8 points.
10 Points!
8 points.
An American, a Scotsman, and a Canadian are in a car when there’s a horrible car crash. Pieces everywhere, charred bodies, the works. The paramedics put the bodies in the ambulance for identification purposes when all of a sudden the American sits up. The paramedics are shocked, and one of them says, “We thought you were dead!”. The American says, “I was.”
“We all died, and we floated up to the pearly gates, and St. Peter said something about heaven being closed for renovations or something, I don’t know. But he gave us all a second chance at life for the inconvenience if we paid him $100 for the repair costs.”
“Well, okay,” said the paramedic, “but where are the other two?”
The American scratched his chin and replied, “Last I saw 'em, the Scotsman was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his bill.”
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?”
[Glaswegian accent] What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? [/Ga]
“Bing sings but Walt Disney!”
What does a Scotsman do on Christmas Eve?
He brings his kids to see Santa’s grave.
6 points.
6 points.
“Disney” = “disnae” = Glaswegian pronunciation of “does not” (Bing sings but Walt Disney/does not).
And the dead Santa Claus is a joke about stereotypical Scottish pennypinching; if you tell the kids Santa’s dead on Christmas Eve, they won’t expect any presents from him in the morning and you don’t have to buy any.
The Pope dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter welcomes him and shows him to his quarters: a dingy apartment with a lumpy bed and a leaky faucet in the bathroom. The Pope grumbles to himself a little but settles in.
The next day he goes for a walk and sees a huge mansion. He can see a pool in back with six beautiful women sunning themselves. A limo pulls up, the chaffeur leaps out and runs around to open the door, and a well-dressed man gets out and is greeted by the butler and a platoon of servants.
The Pope is fuming. He goes straight to St. Peter and says, “Look, I don’t mean to complain or anything, but I just saw this guy who lives in a mansion. I was Christ’s Vicar on Earth, Bishop of Rome, Supreme Pontiff, and all I get is a crappy apartment? Why should that guy - who I don’t even recognize - get such better treatment than me?”
St. Peter nods understandingly. “I know, I know. But we’ve got a lot of Popes up here… and he’s the first lawyer.”
A woman is walking along the beach. She finds a brass lamp in the sand, picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and says, “Hey, thanks, lady. I was in there a long time, and my magic has waned a bit over the centuries. Tell you what, for freeing me, I’ll give you one wish.”
“Just one?” she asks. “Hmmm. Let’s see.” She takes him to the library and shows him a map of the Middle East. “Here’s Israel, here’s Syria, here’s Egypt, Iran, Iraq, here’s the West Bank… my wish is, I want you to bring peace to the Middle East. They’ve been hurting and killing each other for far too long, and I want you to fix it all so that they can live in harmony and mutual understanding with one another.”
The genie is aghast. “Lady, come on. I’m just one genie. You’re asking for the impossible! Sorry, no can do.”
The woman shrugs. “OK, then… what should I wish for instead?” She gets an idea. “I know! I want you to introduce me to the perfect man, and make him fall madly in love with me. I want a man who’ll remember my birthday, take me to romantic movies, not watch sports all the time, not fart in bed, really listen to me, try to understand my feelings, and get along with my mom.”
The genie stares at her, sighs and then says, “Lemme see that fucking map again…”
The version of that joke I heard starred Yasser Arafat.
And the version I heard involved a man wanting a highway built from California to Hawaii. The genie complains about the logistics and says ask for something else so the man asks that the genie grant him the ability to actually understand women. The genie than responds with “Will that be four lanes or only two?”
Two gays are taking a shower together, one says to the other, “Let’s play swords.”.
“Ok”, replies his buddy.
So they get close together and start playing, after a while one get tired of the game, so he turns around, bends over and tells his friend,
“Ok, you can kill me now”.
Heh. For the trifecta, the version that I know has the finder asking for a bridge from CA to HI, then, when the genie says “no can do,” asking for peace in the Middle East, at which point the genie asks “You want that bridge two lanes or 4?”
So we now have all 3 versions covered…
Zero points.
Zero points. (the version I know involves the bridge from CA to HA and understanding women)
6 points.
Better make it four. I first heard it with President Bill Clinton asking for peace in the Middle East, then for Hillary to be popular.
Here’s a pair of truly tasteless jokes for ya…
Two sperms of a gay man get sent out on an ‘away team’ mission. The one gay sperm says to the other…
How are we supposed to find an egg to fertilize in all this shit?
Q: What’s better than winning first prize in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
The single most disgusting joke I’ve ever heard:
Q: How does a hillbilly mom know when her daughter’s having her period?
A: Her son’s dick tastes different.
It’s Christmas time. A mail carrier knocks on a door to deliver a package, and the door is opened by the lady of the house, a beautiful woman wearing a revealing negligee. She pulls him inside, leads him upstairs, and makes love to him for hours. The mail carrier has never had a better day! He’s lying in bed, utterly spent, when the lady takes her purse from the bedside table. She pulls out a dollar bill and hands it to him.
“What’s this for?” he asks, puzzled.
The lady explains, “My husband and I were talking about what Christmas bonuses we should give to the barber, the paperboy, and so on. We worked our way down through the list and got to you. I asked him what he thought I should give you and he said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’”
Jesus is walking through the countryside one day when he comes across a mob about to stone an adulteress. Jesus calmly says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Then he begins drawing in the sand as the mob drifts away, one or two at a time. He finally looks up to see one person still standing there, stone in hand.
Jesus says warningly, “Mom…”