Gyrate, thanks for explaining those, maybe too culturally specific. 
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg, but nothing beats a wank.
Three jokes that I always liked:
#1
A group of nuns are headed in a bus to from their small town to see the pope visit the big city. Unfortunately the bus crashes off a bridge and they all die. While lined up at the pearly gates to get into Heaven, St. Peter at the gates says, “Come, sisters, and be cleansed. Though you were married to God, He knows if you have sinned. If any of you has touched a man’s penis, rinse yourself in the holy water here and be cleansed.”
The first sister walks up timidly and says, “I touched one once, when I was younger.” St. Peter tells her to put her hand in the holy water, and she is cleansed and proceeds through the gates.
The next sister walks up and says, “I brushed one once with my foot, by accident.” She rinses her foot in the holy water and follows the first sister.
Suddenly there’s a commotion down the line as one of the nuns forces her way to the front. St. Peter says, “My child, what is the rush?”
The hurried nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that water I want to get at it before Sister Mary sticks her bum in there!”
#2
A New Zealander of Scottish ancestry decides to leave his father’s sheep farm to go to Scotland on a pilgrimmage of sorts and learn shepherding the old world way. He gets work on a large farm in rural Scotland, and is ready to get into the life of a shepherd there.
After a few weeks he stops one of the other shepherds at lunch and asks, “It’s a good job here, but it gets bit lonely out in the fields and I noticed there are no women around here. What do you do when you’re feeling, you know, frisky?”
The Scotsman replies, “Are ye daft boy? Suren ye know what we do. Ye grab yerself a sheep and get busy.”
The New Zealander is surprised and decides it must be a joke, but after another few weeks is desparate enough that he decides to do it. He picks a sheep one night out of his flock, finds a quiet, dark hollow and gets down to business. He starts to think, “Hey this isn’t too bad”, when all of a sudden floodlights light up the area and all the Scottish shepherds are looking down at him and his sheep and laughing hysterically. Confused, he shouts to them, “But I thought this is what you do too?”
One of the shepherds replies, “Sure we do, lad, but you picked an ugly one!”
#3
A man is sitting in a pub in a small village when a tourist walks in one day. They get to chatting, and the tourist asks the man “What’s your name?”
The man sighs and says, “You see this pub we’re in? With the beautiful mahogany bar, the oak-wood panelling, and the brass fixtures everywhere? I built this place. But do they call me Roger the Pub-builder? No.”
The tourist is about to what that has to do with anything when the man says, “Did you see that beautiful fountain outside in the village square? The marble and granite one with the dancing fish and the mermaid carving? The one that everyone comes to see from miles around? I built that fountain myself, chiseled it and placed it for the love of my village. But do they call me Roger the Fountain-maker? No.”
Still the tourist is puzzled, and the man goes on, “Did you see that church outside? The gothic stone cathedral, with details on every inch of its surface, a loving, heartfelt monument to God that the entire village uses to come together in praise of our Lord? I built that church myself, out of love for the Creator and my fellow man. But do they call me Roger the Church-builder? No.”
The tourist is very confused now, then the man says bitterly, “But you fuck one sheep…”
An angel, during his visits to Earth to deliver heavenly messages loved to sit in a park and contemplate a lovely statue of two young lovers kissing. Eventually, he decided to work a miracle and in a twinkling of an eye, the statues were granted life.
The angel said, “I have spent many wonderfuls hours here contemplating the both of you, and I wanted to give you a small token of thanks. You have been granted life for a brief period of time, you may do whatever you wish.”
The statues whispered together, then giggling, ran off hand in hand to a bush, whereupon some loud rustling was heard. About 20 minutes later, they came back out, with grins plastered across there faces.
The angel said, “You can have a few more minutes if you wish.” The girl statue looked at the boy statue and said, “Great! This time I’ll hold the pigeon down and YOU can shit on his head.”
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot, you fucking racist!
[quote=“scule, post:82, topic:523865”]
Three jokes that I always liked:
#2
A New Zealander of Scottish ancestry decides to leave his father’s sheep farm to go to Scotland on a pilgrimmage of sorts and learn shepherding the old world way. He gets work on a large farm in rural Scotland, and is ready to get into the life of a shepherd there.
After a few weeks he stops one of the other shepherds at lunch and asks, “It’s a good job here, but it gets bit lonely out in the fields and I noticed there are no women around here. What do you do when you’re feeling, you know, frisky?”
The Scotsman replies, “Are ye daft boy? Suren ye know what we do. Ye grab yerself a sheep and get busy.”
The New Zealander is surprised and decides it must be a joke, but after another few weeks is desparate enough that he decides to do it. He picks a sheep one night out of his flock, finds a quiet, dark hollow and gets down to business. He starts to think, “Hey this isn’t too bad”, when all of a sudden floodlights light up the area and all the Scottish shepherds are looking down at him and his sheep and laughing hysterically. Confused, he shouts to them, “But I thought this is what you do too?”
One of the shepherds replies, “Sure we do, lad, but you picked an ugly one!”
[QUOTE]
That brings to mind an old Foreign Legion joke.
A young Frenchman has just joined the Foreign Legion, and has been assigned to a remote fort in the Sahara Desert. Being a randy young fellow, he asks the sergeant, “Are there any women around?”
The sergeant answers, “No, no women here, not for miles around. “
Crestfallen, the young Legionnaire asks, “So, how do we fulfill our, ahem, needs?”
“Well,” says the sergeant, “Every two months or so, they send us some camels.”
That sounds strange and perverted to the young Legionnaire. But as weeks go by, celibacy gets harder and harder for the young man, and his urges are getting stronger and stronger. Finally, two months later, he sees some Legionnaires bringing a team of camels to the fort. As soon as the camels are inside the gate, the young Legionnaire chooses a camel, drops his pants, and begins to mount it.
The sergeant runs over, yelling, “NO, you idiot! We ride the camels to the brothel in town!!!”
I post this joke a lot:
A North Dakotan decides to go ice fishing. He finds a good spot on the ice and starts to drill a hole. Suddenly a big booming voice rings out: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!!!”
The North Dakotan is surprised, but sets off to find another likely spot, and starts to drill another hole. Again, the big booming voice cries out: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!!!”
The North Dakotan is a little startled, but looks around for a better spot. Even before he starts to drill a hole, he hears the big booming voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!!!”
“OK”, the North Dakotan calls out. “But who are you, anyway? God?”
“NO” says the big, booming voice, “I’M THE ARENA MANAGER.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They each order a pint and three flies land on their beers, one on each. The Englishman pushes his pint away. The Scotsman casually removes the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells “SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD!!!”
A man is driving down the road when he is flagged down by a man dressed all in red. When he gets out to investigate he is told “I am the Red Bastard of the Asphalt, and you must give me something to eat.” The driver is amused by this and he hands the man in red a sandwich and goes on his way.
A few more miles down the road a man dressed all in white stops him. The man in white says “I am the White Bastard of the Asphalt and you must give me something to drink.” He is much less amused this time, but he hands the man a beer and speeds off.
Not long after, he is flagged down by a man in blue. By this time he is completely pissed off, so he storms over to the man in blue and screams “Yes, I know, you’re the Blue Bastard of the Asphalt. What the fuck do you want?”
“Licence and registration.”
Waiting room
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife
had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man
sitting there, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the
waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for
3M!” When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that
his wife had given birth to quadruplets.
"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point
the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and
hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was
okay, he explained, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man
continued, “I’m the casting director for 101 Dalmatians.”
Prayer
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going
bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he
decided to pray for help. “Oh Lord, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I
don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.
Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.
Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto!
I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well".
Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.
Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask
you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order … "
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was
confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:
"Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"
Hunting with your wife
A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on
her again and again that "If you shoot a deer,
don't let someone else claim that they shot and
since they killed it... it's their deer!"
So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes
when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He
rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her
gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming...
"It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my
saddle off it!!!!"
A LESSON IN POLITICS
SON: Dad, I have to do a special school report on what is ‘POLITICS’? Can you help me?
DAD: Sure son, Let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
so let’s call me ‘CAPITALISM’. Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we’ll call her ‘GOVERNMENT’. We take care of you and your needs,
so let’s call you the ‘PEOPLE’. We’ll call the maid the ‘WORKING CLASS’ and
your baby brother we’ll call the ‘FUTURE’. Do you understand?
SON: I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.
That night awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent’s room
and found his mother sound asleep. Then he went to the maid’s room, where peeking
through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking
went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room
and went to bed.
The next morning…
SON: Dad, now I think I understand politics.
DAD: That’s great son, explain it to me in your own words.
SON: Well, Dad, while CAPITALISM is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is
sound asleep.
The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit!!!
How are elephant & milk the same?
they both come in gallons
What’s better than having sex with twenty seven year olds?
having sex with twenty one seven year olds
Shalmanese, I heard that one as:
Q. What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?
A. There are twenty of them!
A traveling salesman needed a place to stay for the night, so he goes knocking on a farmer’s door. The farmer says “Sure, but you’ll have to sleep out in the barn with my daughter”. OK, says the salesman.
So during the night one thing led to another, etc. The next morning, something was bothering the salesman. He couldn’t help but ask the farmer, “Hey, I was kissing your daughter last night, and every time, I got a mouth full of rice. What’s up with that?” The farmer said “Might be maggots; she’s been dead for a while.”
I heard that several times as a Michael Jackson joke.
A man brings his wife to the doctor and after the examination, the doctor takes the man aside and tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news, but I can’t quite nail down the diagnosis. Sir, your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
“Oh my god! That’s horrible. What should I do?”
“Well, I’d suggest you take her out for a long drive in the country and then kick her out of the car.”
“What the hell good would that do?”
“Nothing. But if she finds her back home … don’t fuck her.”
6 points.
8 points.
Zero points.
9 points.
7 points.
6 points.
9 points. I have heard a similar version, but it’s different enough to award points.
Zero points. The punch line I’ve heard: “Ya picked the ugliest one of the bunch!”
Zero points.
Zero points.
8 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
8 points.
10 Points for Johnny Q! I literally laughed out loud at this one.
6 points.
9 points.
8 points.
6 points.
6 points.
6 points.
6 points.
What’s red and slimey and crawls up a woman’s leg?
A homesick abortion
Time for another one from the OP - somebody rate me!
Two young brothers were getting dressed in their room one morning when the older one says, “I think we’re old enough now to start swearing in front of Mom. I’ll say ‘hell’, and you can say ‘ass’”. The younger brother quickly agrees.
“Boys, time for breakfast!”, the Mom calls out. The kids run downstairs. “What would you two like to eat this morning?”
The older boy replies, “ahhhh, what the hell, gimme some Froot Loops.”
The mom grabs him by the shirt collar, slams him against the wall and smacks him across the face. Her face red with anger, she turns to the younger boy. “And what will you be having, young man??”
The younger brother replies, wide-eyed, “I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Froot Loops!”
6 points.
What’s black and crisp and hangs from the chandelier?
A Polish electrician.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Being Jewish, I got a lot of them. One of my favs:
Old, old Jewish guy telling his son about how cool and relaxed his nursing home is.
"That guy over there, he shot down five Nazi aircraft. They call him Ace.
"That guy over there used to be a professor at MIT. They call him The Brain.
"Me, I always told them about what a stud I used to be, and how many women I’ve slept with. They call me the Fucking Jew.
What is the ultimate Jewish dilemma?
Pork on sale.