7 points. Dang, haven’t heard a Polish joke in 20+ years.
8 points.
9 points.
Zero points.
Q: How does a hillbilly mom know when her daughter’s having her first period?
There, now it’s a wee bit sicker.
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and
says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and
starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, how's it
going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never
have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo Shit! It mean somebody stole our tent!"More Wild, Wacky West…
The Lone Ranger is alone for once, and gets caught by Indians. They tell him that since he has always fought him valiantly, they will kill him, in three days time, but each day they’ll grant him a wish.
First night, he asks “release my horse.” They do, he calls Silver over, whispers something in its ear, and away the horse gallops!
A few hours later, Silver returns with a beautiful girl riding it, and the Lone Ranger proceeds to make love to her for hours.
Second night, not to make this a shaggy dog story, repeat of the first…
On the third and last night, the Lone Ranger calls Silver over, and practically yells in its ears… "I said it twice already, and I’ll say it for the last time… come back with a POSSE!!!
6 points.
Zero points.
9 points.
“Where in the hell is my Jethro Coffin House?”
“Nantucket”
Is this thing on? Don’t I get a rating?
Q. What is black and white and spins around at between 170 and 500 rpm?
A. A penguin strapped to a helicopter’s rotor-blades.
A Jelly Baby goes to the doctors and says “I think i have AIDS.”
The doctor replies “you can’t have AIDS, you’re a Jelly Baby.”
The Jelly Baby replies “Yeah i know, but i’ve been sleeping with Allsorts.”
Sorry, Jack Batty. Zero points.
5 points.
8.5 points.
A little girl and a pedophile are walking together at night into the woods. The little girl looks up at the man and says “I… I’m scared.”
The man looks at the little girl and says “You think you’re scared? How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone.”
Old country. Dark, raging thunderstorm sheeting rain, wind, lightning.
Old, near-death Jew whispers on his deathbed to his son: “Get me the Priest.”
“The Priest? Poppa, you’ve been a pious man you’re whole life. Why the Priest”?
“The Rabbi I should bother on a night like this”?
Chairman of the Board of an Orthodox synagogue in NY has always wanted to know what pork tastes like. OK, he says, I’ll take the plunge, will try it a restaurant once.
To make absolutely sure no one at all will ever know, he flys to Hawaii with his family, sits down at a fancy place, and orders a suckling pig, which comes out nice and crispy, apple in mouth, surrounded by greenery, the whole works.
Just as he’s about to cut into it, who walks by but the Rabbi of his congregation, who looks at the scene just as you’d expect.
The Chairman, quickthinking, says, “You ask for an apple and look how they serve it.”
Guy crosses street, is hit by a truck. Passerby rushes to help him, puts folded blanket under his head, asks “How’re you doing?”
Guy answers, “I make a living.” [must be said with a dismissive shrug…]
My dad used to tell jokes like that but rather than say “Polish,” or any other group, would refer to “a person of a certain ethnic persuasion.”
Three statisticians go hunting one fine autumn day. A deer runs in front of them.
One statistician shoots ahead of it.
The second shoots behind it.
The third shouts, “We got it!”
Joe retires and builds his dream house on a mountain in West Virginia. He’s just settling in when there’s a loud knock at the door. He opens it to see a huge, unkempt man in a torn red plaid shirt, jeans with suspenders, beer belly and an enormous bushy beard.
“The name’s Big Earl,” the man booms. “I live on the next hill over. I guess we’re neighbors now, huh?”
“Hello, Big Earl,” Joe says. “Won’t you come in?”
“No, thanks. Just wanted to invite you to my party on Saturday.”
“Oh, uh… thanks. Sure, I’ll come.”
“Great. Six o’clock; don’t be late.” Big Earl is about to go, then turns back and says, “You know, I guess I should warn ya… there’s usually a lot of weird drugs at my parties.”
“That’s OK,” says Joe. “I’ve been known to partake.”
Big Earl grunts. “I guess I should also warn you, there’s a lot of drinkin’ at my parties. I mean, a LOT of drinking.”
“No problem.”
Big Earl nods. “And, just so y’know… there’s a lot of wild, kinky sex at my parties.”
Joe wonders what he’s agreed to, but says, “That’s OK, too. I’ll be there. But tell me, would you like me to bring anything? What should I wear?”
Big Earl shrugs. “Won’t matter none. Just gonna be the two of us, anyway.”
I, for one, think this joke is a 10.
I hope the OP hasn’t heard it.
Zero points.
8 points.
9 points.
Zero points.
8 points.
Zero points, but one of my all-time faves. Yep, woulda been a 10.
Jethro Coffin House is an historical landmark on Nantucket.
But where did it go? Well, Nan took it.
I will insist on 1 point at least because I actually made this joke up and bored my family to tears with it during and after a vacation there
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go back up there and sort him out – it’s okay, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A man goes to the doctors, he says “I just cant stop singing Delilah!”. The doc looks him over and says “You’ve got Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it a rare condition?” asks the man.
“Well its not unusual” replies the doc!
I’m determined to get a 10/10.
*A teacher asks her class one day, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?”
Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
He answers,
“None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then little Ralphy says, “Now I have a question for you.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing madly, replied, “Well, I suppose it’d be the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Ralphy replied,
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”*