6 points, now that it’s been 'splained to me.
Zero points.
7 points.
So sorry, zero points. Try again. 
Bah! Try this for size then -
Two men are sitting at a bar when one man whips out a cigar. Seeing that he has no means of lighting the cigar he says to his friend “Hey do you have a lighter I could borrow to light my cigar?”
The friend replies “Yes” and whips out this huge 10 inch bic lighter.
The first guy says “Wow, where did you get that massive lighter from?”
His friend says “I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” asked the first man.
“Yeah, I carry him everywhere I go” the friend replies.
“Well can I see him?” asks the first man.
Sure enough he takes the genie out of his pocket and sits him on the bar.
The first man with the cigar leans over to the genie and says “Hey there little buddy, I am a good friend of your master, do you think you could grant me one wish?”
“Sure” replies the genie “What do you wish for?”
The man surprised says “I wish for a million bucks.”
The genie dissapears back into his masters pocket and nothing happens.
All of a suddenn two ducks walk into the bar followed by a few more.
Soon enough the bar is filling up with ducks very quickly.
The first man looks to the second man and says “What’s going on here friend? I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks?”
The friend replies “Oh I forgot to tell you that my genie is really hard of hearing. Do you really think that I wished for a 10 inch bic?”
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers.
Third time is the charm.
A stupid guy dies and is awaiting approval from the gatekeeper of heaven to enter.
The gatekeeper says, “You can only enter if you pass a quiz.”
The gatekeeper then asks the stupid guy how many days of the week start with the letter t.
The stupid guy says, “Thats easy, today and tomorrow.”
The gatekeeper says, “Ok, I’ll give you that one.”
He then asks the stupid guy what is gods first name?
The stupid guy says “Howard.”
The gatekeeper asks “How in the world did you get Howard?
The stupid guy says, “From the prayer… ‘Our father which art in heaven, Howard be thy name’.”
A small boy asked his mother how old she was.
His mother replied,
"Bobby, it's not polite to ask a woman how old she is,
so I'm not going to answer you."
Later he asked how much she weighed.
Again, his mother replied,
"Bobby, it's not polite to ask a woman how much she
weighs, so I'm not going to answer that."
"Well, mommy, why did you and daddy get divorced?"
"Bobby, I would tell you, but I think that you are a
little too young to understand.
I will tell you all about it when you are older."
So, the next day at school, Bobby told his friends
about the conversation with his mother and the
questions that she wouldn't answer.
One of his friends told him
"I know how to get the answers to all of those questions
and more, too! Just look at her driver's license!"
Bobby thought that that was a good idea, so that's
what he did as soon as he got home.
And then he went to his mother and the conversation went
something like this...
"Mommy, I know how old you are!"
"You do? How old?"
"35"
"That's right! How did you know that?"
"And, I know how much you weigh!"
"Really? How much?"
"125"
"Wow! How did you find that out?"
"Not only that, I know why you and daddy got divorced!"
"This I've got to hear... tell me!"
"You got an 'F' in sex!"A blonde walks into an appliance store, browses for a while, and then approaches a salesman. “I’d like to buy that television set.” she says. The salesman gives her a withering look, sneers and says “We don’t do business with dumb blondes. Scram!”
The blonde is outraged, but too unsettled (and ditzy) to protest. She leaves. However, determined to prove herself, she puts on a brunette wig, returns to the same store, approaches the same salesman and again says “I’d like to buy this television set.” The salesman looks at her and says “I told you yesterday, we don’t do business with dumb blondes. Get out of here!”
The blonde thinks “Darn, he recognized me!” She leaves, but swears she will get the better of him. She dyes her hair a dark color, has a complete makeover, buys a new dress, even has an acting coach friend give her pointers on making her gait and her accent seem different. After intensive preparations, the blonde (now sporting red hair) saunters back into the store, and back up to the same salesman. “Sugah, if y’all don’ mind, I’ll buy this television set, 'kay?” The salesman looks at her, lets out an exasperated groan and says “For the last time, we don’t sell to dumb blondes! Not now, not ever!”
“Darn!” the fed-up blonde exclaims. “I spent a whole week trying to disguise myself. How did you recognize me?”
“That television set? It’s a microwave.”
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in Rome, seeing the sights. It’s late and they decide to take a shortcut back to the Vatican. Night is falling, and the younger nun gets a little worried. She says to the older nun, “Sister, I’ve never come this way before.”
“I know,” says the older nun, smiling slyly. “It’s the cobblestones.”
A penguin is driving across country when his car begins to break down. He takes the exit ramp to the nearest little town, and to his relief finds a repair garage that’s open. The mechanic says, “Tell you what, I’ve got one other job ahead of you. Why don’t you walk through downtown, take a look around, and come back here in, say, half an hour?”
The penguin agrees. He admires city hall, the library, and the bandstand on the town square, and then sees a sidewalk ice cream vendor. Ice cream! It’s been MONTHS since he’s had ice cream! He orders a three-scoop vanilla cone and eagerly begins eating it, gorging himself and covering his beak and face in his enthusiasm.
He waddles back to the garage. The mechanic emerges, wiping his hands on a rag, and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin blushes. “Oh, no, this is just ice cream.”
A magician gets a job on a cruise ship. The ship takes weekly cruises, and the magician does a show every day, so he’s prepared with seven days’ worth of material. The captain’s parrot loves magic acts, however, and attends every show. After the first week, the parrot starts shouting out the secrets to the tricks: “Rawk! He didn’t really saw the lady in half - she’s bending over!” “Rawk! Watch his left hand as he shakes his wand!” “Rawk! The four of spades is tucked into his sleeve!”
The magican is furious, but can’t really do anything about it, as it’s the captain’s parrot.
One night, a huge storm sinks the ship. At dawn, the storm has passed, and the magician finds himself shivering in the water, the sole human survivor, clutching a floating board. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the board. They glare at each other for a day, then two.
Finally the parrot says, “Rawk! I give up. What did you do with the boat?”
Ivan and Pavel are waiting in line at the butcher’s on meat distribution day. Since this is Soviet Russia, at the height of the Cold War, the line is very long indeed, going around the block. And it doesn’t seem to move forward very much, either.
After an hour, the butcher comes out of his shop and yells : “All right, folks, there isn’t enough meat for everyone, so to all of you filthy kikes : FUCK OFF !”.
Dejectedly, a number of people leave the queue. More waiting. The butcher comes out again : “Meat’s coming, but not enough for everyone, so I’ll only give some to *real *Russians. Ukrainians, Estonians, Khazaks and Georgian degenerates, scram !”. Lots of cursing and muttering follows as much of the queue leaves.
Another hour passes, and again the butcher comes out : “There really isn’t enough meat for everyone here, so only Party members should stay”.
More people leave. Another hour passes, and the butcher comes out : “I’m afraid there isn’t enough meat for every comrade here. I will only be able to serve veterans of the Great Patriotic War”.
Lots of people leave, and the queue is now only made up of elderly people. Another hour, still the queue hasn’t moved. The butcher comes out again : “My dear friends, I regret to say there still won’t be enough meat for all of you valiant defenders of Mother Russia. I respectfully ask those of you who aren’t Heroes of the Soviet Union to go home to your loving families. Better luck to you next week.”
Now it’s just Pavel and Ivan in front of the butcher shop, but the door is still closed. Another hour, and finally the butcher comes back out, closing the shop behind him. He’s got his coat on, and is obviously surprised to see the two men outside. He awkwardly apologizes : “I’m really sorry, but I’m afraid I lied to you guys. The truth is, there never was any meat at all.”
So an angry Pavel turns to Ivan and says : “See ?! It’s like I told you ! The Jews always get preferential treatment !”.
Zero points. Although I’ve heard that he asked for a ten-inch pianist.
9 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
8 points.
8 points.
Zero points.
10 points for Elendil’s Heir !!
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress.
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed, he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirmed that he was interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should be at her house around 2pm Friday.
When Friday rolled around, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes in fact he did give me $500.”
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by my office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Misha was working for a gem mining company in the old USSR… every hour, on the hour, he would show up at the gate with a wheelbarrow full of dirt to be taken to the dump…
Yasha, the guard, was always sure he was trying to smuggle something out, and always checked the wheel barrow (and Misha’s person) thoroughly, but never found anything.
Years later, Misha and Yasha are no longer working for the company, when Yasha, still destitute after all these years, is surprised when a huge black Volga stops by him and who if not Misha, all dressed up, waves at him from the back seat…
So, Yasha says – it’s been years, neither of us is at the mine any more. I just know you were stealing something, but I never caught you out. And you’re a big cheese now, I won’t tell on you and couldn’t harm you if I did – so, tell me, what were you stealing and how did you do it? I’ve been dying of curiosity all these years!
Wheelbarrows, comrade… says Misha; Wheelbarrows!!
A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, “Go to feckin’ hell, you religious nuts!”
From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, “Do you think the sign should just say ‘Bridge Out’?”
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
:: does a victory dance ::
Thank you! 
So… it’s the bad (worse?) old days of Chicago Machine politics. Two party hacks are walking through a graveyard late on Election Day, writing down names from tombstones. It begins to get dark, and Fred pulls his coat closer and says to Joe, “All right, c’mon, I think we’ve got enough names now. Let’s get out of here.”
Joe points to the part of the cemetery they haven’t gone through yet and says indignantly, “Hey, these guys have just as much right to vote as those guys over there!”
Zero points.
6 points. (saw that one coming down main street)
6 points.
7 points.
7 points.
A man happens to look out the window and notices two municipal workers on the side of the road, he watched them for a while and became intrigued by what they were doing.
One guy would get out of the truck, dig a hole on the side of the road, and then he’d get back in the truck.
After a few minutes, the other guy would get out, fill the hole back up, and he also would get back in the truck.
The truck would then move forward about a hundred feet, and they would repeat the sequence.
Curiosity got the better of the man at the window and he decided to go investigate, he walked up to the guys in the truck and asked them:
“What are you doing”
"We are planting trees", was the reply.
"The hell you are", says the man, "All you're doing and digging up holes and then filling them up, you're not planting no trees.".
So the driver of the truck answers, "It's not our fault if the guy who's job it is to put the tree in the hole is off sick today!".A man stands up in the middle of a busy pub and shouts to the man sat beside him, “I shagged your mother last night!”
The man replies, “Go home Dad, you’re pissed again.”
A little late to the Lone Ranger theme, but:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie when Tonto stops, jumps off his horse, and puts his head to the earth. After a while, he proclaims: “Buffalo come!”. The Lone Ranger is mightily impressed. He asks: “How can you tell?”.
“Ear stuck to ground.”
Oh, why not?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at a bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, “Who’s white horse is that outside?”
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, “It’s my horse. Why do you want to know?”
The cowboy looks at him and says, “Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don’t look too good.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.
It is then he notices that there isn’t a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit another cowboy walks in and says, “Who’s white horse is that outside?”
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, “That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?”
“Nothing,” replies the cowboy, “I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running.”
7 points.
9 points.
9 points.
Zero points. But I like it.