A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
141

A man is in a horrible car accident, in which his penis is severed. The doctors decide to try a new radical technique and the graft a baby elephant trunk onto him as a replacement. The man recovers but he’s understandably self-conscious about his new appendage. His doctors assure him that everything should work just as it always has and he is encouraged to try it out.

So he’s out on his first date since the operation and he is very nervous. He takes his date to dinner and as they make conversation he starts to loosen up and have fun. They have a few drinks and the talk is growing flirty. He can feel himself growing excited and he is, for once, encouraged about his prognosis.

All of a sudden, as his date watches in horror, this little baby elephant trunk comes shooting up, grabs a hard roll, and disappears back underneath the table cloth. The man is shocked. His date is shocked. He breaks down and tells her all about his accident and the radical surgery. She likes him and is impressed by his candor. Then, still feeling flirty she asks him, “Say … um … do you think you can make it do that again?”

“I think so,” he responded, “I just don’t think my ass could take another hard roll.”

142

Good one, but sorry, zero points.

143

One from the OP, please rate:
A man is at work when he learns he’s won the lottery. He phones his wife at home.

“I just won 20 million dollars! Baby, pack your bags!”

“That’s wonderful! Should I pack for warm or cool weather?” answers his wife.

“I don’t give a shit, just have your ass out of there before I get home!”

144

I gotta get people we both know to stop telling me jokes or something.

145

What comes after the cold and flu season?

The cold and flu World Series.

146

My 2nd one didn’t get a rating either.

147

Herschel and Moishe walk by a Christian church that has a big sign out front: Convert to Christianity - win $1000!

Herschel says to Moishe, “What do you think?” Moishe says, “Eh, a thousand bucks is a thousand bucks.” He goes into the church and Herschel waits on the sidewalk. Moishe comes out ten minutes later and Herschel asks, “So, how’d it go? Did they give you the money?”

Moishe glares at him. “It’s always about the money with you Jews, isn’t it?”

A man is hit by a car and is dying on a street corner. He tells those who come to his aid that he’s Catholic and desperately wants a priest to give him the Last Rites. None the people there knows a priest, and there’s clearly no time to call for one, as the man is fading fast. Thinking it’s better than nothing, a Jewish guy who grew up near a Catholic church kindly offers to help with a few words of a sacrament he often overheard through the windows of the church. He kneels down next to the dying man and says, “A… 3. G… 7. H…4…”

Northern Ireland during the Troubles.

A man walks into a Belfast bar. Everyone looks at him suspiciously. At once, a huge bruiser of a man walks right up to him and asks, “Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?”

The man says, “Uh… neither. I’m Jewish.”

The bruiser is a bit taken aback, but then narrows his eyes and asks, “Are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?”

Eli and Abram are walking through a park. Eli says, “Oh, I just heard a great joke I have to tell you. So, Herschel and Moishe are…”

“Wait a minute,” says Abram. “I’m tired of all of these Jewish jokes. Why can’t you tell me a joke about another religion sometime?”

“I’m very sorry,” says Eli. “I didn’t know you felt that way. OK. So, Muhammad and Khalid are eating gefilte fish and discussing their nephew’s upcoming bar mitzvah…”

148

I don’t get it.

149

Bingo!

150

6 points.

9 points.

Zero points.

6 points.

6 points.

151

He hadn’t heard a sermon, he heard a bingo game in progress.

152

A? H?

How the hell do they spell “Bingo” in your neighborhood?

153

Baingho?

(I didn’t even catch that)

154

Drain Bead - please point me toward your joke that didn’t get a rating - I can’t find it.

155

Heh, heh.

I didn’t say they were using the right letters, but I’ts the only thing that makes remote sense for the joke.

(Besides, 3, 4, and 7 would all be B numbers anway. IIRC from back in my youth, there are 75 possible numbers and each letter has 15 numbers associated with it. I.e. B = 1-15, I = 16-30, etc.)

156

Say a letter, follow it with a number. If you only hear part of a bingo game, you could be forgiven for not recognizing that they aren’t just done at random.

157

Yeah, I think the Jew, being unfamiliar with bingo, was just getting the letters wrong.

158

Another from the OP…

(someone please give me a rating):
Bank teller: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to open a goddamn account.”

Teller: “I’d be happy to help you, sir, but please do not use that sort of language here.”

Customer: “Goddammit, are you going to let me open an account or not?!?”

Teller: “Sir, please, your language is inappropriate…”

The manager hears the commotion and wanders over. “Is there a problem here?” he says to the customer.

Customer: “Yeah, there’s a problem. I just won fifty million dollars in the goddamn lottery and I want to open a fucking account!”

The manager pauses, then motions toward the teller. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

159

Bank teller: . . .

That’s a 10 from me!

160

An oldie but a goodie …
Why do Baptists only have sex lying down?

Because if they did it standing up, someone might think they were dancing.