Here’s one of my favorites.
So you think life is bad…Just think how bad the life of an egg is…
You only get laid once
You only get eaten onceIt takes 4 minutes to get hard
And 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was…your mother
Check out my homepage for more jokes.
I’m finally updating it.
WARNING!! Politically incorrect, sexist, disgusting, immoral, cruel joke coming up [sub](which made me laugh)[/sub]
Q: Why do women get period pains?
A: Because they deserve them.
I’m so sorry.
::ducks and runs very fast::
Here it is:
A young boy, Terry, is walking down the street in the dead of nights, as kids are wont to do in jokes. He walks past the dreadfully haunted house and decides to walk in, despite the fact that baaad things happen in there. (Hey there’d be no joke if he didn’t.)
So he goes inside, and down into the dark, dark, basement, where upon switching on the lights, he sees rows upon rows of coffins, big, small, medium sized…suddenly, one of them sees him and opening and closing its lid, starts chasing after him.
Terry runs upstairs and out side, but the coffin is still on his tail…
He runs past the old church…the coffin tramping along behind him…
He darts through the park, the coffin not showing any signs of stopping…
Finally, Terry plunged his hand into his pocket, took out a cough drop, and gulped it down…and…
It stopped the coffin.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Actually read that one in a book of scary stories for kids.
How come Helen Keller couldn’t drive?
Because she was a woman!
What’s red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry.
Here’s another good one:
Why couldn’t E.T. swim?
Cuz he was a fucking puppet and it was a fucking movie and fucking get over it!
A man goes into a bar, sits down, orders a drink and places a paper sack on the stool next to him.
It being a slow night, the bartender strikes up a conversation by asking him “What’s in the sack?” The man reaches over, sets the sack on the bar, opens it and pulls out a very small grand piano and a stool. He then reaches back in and removes a 1-foot tall man dressed in a tuxedo with tails. The small man bows, flips out his tails, sits on the stool and begins to play the most beautiful music on the piano.
At this the bartender is amazed and tells the customer he must know how he came to have such a unique treasure.
The man then tells the bartender how he met a magic genie outside this very bar. The genie granted him one wish of anything he would like. He said he thought the genie lived in the alley behind the bar.
The bartender rushes outside and low-and-behold discovers the genie in the alley behind the bar. The genie grants the bartender one wish of anything he desires. To which the bartender says, “I’d like 1 million bucks!!” The genie nods and waves his hands. Instantly, the alley and bar are both filled with quacking ducks.
The confused bartender rushes back inside and asks the man what went wrong. The man said, “I discovered that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you think I would actually wish for a 12-inch PIANIST!”
Preacher is out hunting.
He encounters a bear.
Preacher runs, bear pursues.
Preacher trips, falls down.
Bear is on him.
Preacher cries out, “Oh, Lord, make this bear a Christian!”
Bear look up and says, “Dear God, for what we are about to receive make us truly thankful.”
(Rim shot)
ok.
best joke ever?
one minute… gotta dig it up…
ah…
>There is intelligent life after all!
>
> The following is an (alleged) actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
>
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
>
> Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
>
> So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, " … that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true.
>
> Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only “A” given.
I’ve been saving that one.
Golf joke dept:
Two guys are playing golf. Ahead of them on the green are two women, who are taking a very long time to complete their putts. One guy gets tired of waiting and says, “I’m going up there and see what’s taking them so long”. He walks halfway to the green, then stops, and returns to his opponent. “You won’t believe this,” he says “up there is my wife, and this girl I’ve been f**king for the last six months! If they see me, I’m a dead man!”
“Ok, Ok,” the other guy says, “you wait here, and I’ll go talk to them.” He then walks halfway to the green, stops and turns around, and walks back. “What’s the matter?,” the first guy says “I thought you were going to talk to them”
Other guy says, “Small world, ain’t it?”
And then there’s:
A young married couple were playing golf. The man plays a bad tee shot that comes to rest behind a tool shed to the side of the fairway. The two of them walk to the ball, and the woman says “Honey, I think that if you let me go and open the doors on that shed, you could play the ball through the front door and out the the other side” The guy figures that it’s worth a try.
So the wife opens the doors to the shed and stays inside, out of sight. The guy takes his time with a few practice swings, and hits the ball. Just at that moment, the wife peeks around the corner of the door to see what’s taking so long. Tragically, the ball strikes her in the forhead, and she falls to the ground, dead.
Two years go by.
The same man is playing golf with his second wife, at the same course. He hits the same bad shot that lands behind the same tool shed. The second wife says “Honey, I think that if you let me go and open the doors on that shed, you could play the ball through the front door and out the back.”
“Oh, no, dear, I don’t think I could ever do that”.
“Why not?” says the wife.
“Because the last time I tried that, I triple bogied the hole!”
A young, attractive blond college student walks into her professor’s office, dressed scantily. She sits atop his desk, and looks at him.
Before he can say anything, she leans over, giving him quite an eyeful, and says, “Professor, I’d do anything to pass this class.” He looks at her, raising an eyebrow.
“Anything?” He asks. She crosses her legs, skirt ridding up on her thigh. “Anything” she repeats.
He stands, loosening his tie and leaning over, asking in a husky whisper, “Would you study?”
Im sorry if your British…[sub]In fact, Im sorry if your anyone with morals, unlike myself[/sub]
Q. Why did Princess Di have dandruff?
A. She left her head and shoulders on the dash board.
IM SORRY!
Why did the monkey fall outta the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall outta the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the third monkey fall outta the tree?
Peer pressure.
…also in the offensive category:
What do Woody Allen and Kodak have in common?
They both come in little yellow boxes.
[sub]I was gonna tell the stick joke but someone beat me to it[/sub]
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off our car!”
Johnny: “Mommy, Mommy, what’s an orgasm?”
Mom: “I don’t know dear, ask your father.”
A congregation honors a Rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there’s a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his Temple, and says, “Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you.”
The girl gets up and start to get dressed.
He covers the receiver and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry at you.”
The Italian says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Wine.
The Scot says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.
The Swede says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Aquavit.
The Russian says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Vodka.
The German says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Beer.
The Greek says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Ouzo.
The Jew says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Diabetes.
Flying cross country in a passenger jet, we ran into terrible weather. The plane was pounded with rain, hail, wind, thunder and lightning. Passengers were screaming, convinced the plane will crash and death is imminent.
At the height of the storm an amazingly attractive young woman leaps to her feet and exclaims, “I can’t take any more of this! NO! I won’t just sit here, strapped into a seat and die like an animal. If I’m going to die, let it be feeling like a woman. Who here feels man enough to forget our doom and make me feel like a woman?”
I slowly rise and start walking towards her, smiling. As I stride down the aisle I slowly take off my shirt. She takes in my sculpted abs, bulging biceps, powerful pecs and massive shoulders. I stand before her, cast my shirt onto the floor and exclaim, “Here, iron this.”
Mom, Dad, Little Johnny and his brother are watching TV. Mom looks at Dad and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”
Pretty soon Johnny becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who used to get angry about us sucking our thumbs.”
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
FullMy favorite jokes come from my childhood. Back then, Helen Keller jokes were all the rage.
Q: How’d Helen Keller burn her cheek?
A: She tried to answer the iron.
Q: How’d Helen Keller burn her other cheek?
A: The bastard called back.
And my all-time favorite childhood Helen Keller-
Q: Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
A: Because she sang with the other.
O.K., it’s actually in a tie with this one-
Q: How’d Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A: She tried to read a stucco wall.
Today my favorite jokes are so un-p.c. I’m afraid to post them. Just to give you an idea-
Q: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
A: Not being retarded.