**WHAT HAS TWO LEGS AND BLEEDS PROFUSELY?
HALF A CAT!!**
Ok, I think it’s funny. I am a sick fellow, I know. I like all these obvious, bizarre twist jokes though.
MarxBoy
It’s perfectly p.c. to make fun of your own kind. Therefore, I present my favorite jokes about alcoholics:
Two drunks are fishing in a rowboat on a lake. A genie appears and tells one of them: “I’ll grant you a single wish-- anything you want.” The drunk immediately says: “Turn this lake into beer!” Poof It’s done.
The second drunk says to the first one: “You idiot! Now we gotta piss in the boat!”
A drunk staggers through the front door of a bar and shouts: “Bartender! Gimme a drink!” The bartender says: “Sir, you are already intoxicated. I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.” The drunk grumbles, but leaves. A few minutes later he staggers through the side door of the bar, shouting: “Bartender! Gimme a drink!” The bartender says: “Sir, you’re already drunk. I can’t serve you!” The drunk curses, but leaves. A few minutes later he staggers through the back door of the bar, yelling: “Bartender! Gimme a drink!” The bartender says: “Look, buddy-- I told you I’m not gonna serve you! If you don’t leave, I’m calling the cops!” The drunk looks at him closely and says: “How many damn bars do you work in, anyway?”
How many ship pilots does it take to wreck an Alaskan oil tanker? One and a fifth.
Doctor: “Mr. Jones, you are definitely an alcoholic.”
Mr. Jones: “I’d like a second opinion.”
Doctor: “Okay. You’re ugly, too.”
A drunk is wandering aimlessly around town and decides he’s horny. He’s pretty sure he’s on the same street where he used to go to a house of prostitution. Sure enough, he comes to a house that looks familiar and he walks in. There’s nobody in the front room, so he walks down the hallway and into a kitchen. There’s a pretty woman standing at the sink washing dishes. He unzips his pants and says: “Hey baby, how 'bout some action?” She screams and her husband comes running in. The husband jumps the drunk, beats the hell out of him, and throws him out the front door onto the sidewalk. Giving him one last vicious kick, he yells: “You’re nothing but a low-down, worthless, no-good, stupid, drunk-assed son-of-a-bitch!” Bruised and bleeding, the drunk looks up at him defiantly and says: “Yeah, well, you don’t know shit about running a whorehouse!”
…and a nod to those who’ve tried to help us:
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one-- but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Peace,
TN*hippie
I “borrowed” these from this site:
http://www.greatguy.com/outhouse.htm
I’ll return them…I promise.
Joke #1
A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him “Are you a veteran?”
The guy says “Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Viet Nam.”
“Good,” says the interviewer, “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?”
The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.”
“Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we’ll get you started.”
The guy says, “If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?”
“Well, here at the post office we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!”
Joke #2
“I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.”
*Monica Lewinsky
A young newlywed couple goes to a church, wanting to join. The minister says: “You are welcome here, but we are a very strict church. To prove your sincerity and devotion you must abstain from sex for 3 weeks before you can be members. Come back in 3 weeks and tell me how it went.”
3 weeks later, looking a little sheepish, they come back.
“How did it go?” asks the preacher.
“Well,” the husband says, “the first week was tense but we got through it okay. The second week was really rough, but we managed to abstain. During the third week we were insane with lust, but we almost got through it. Then, on Saturday, I was behind my wife when she bent over to pick up a bar of soap. I couldn’t take it. I mounted her and we made mad, passionate love.”
“I’m sorry,” said the minister, “but you can’t come to our church.”
“That’s okay,” said the wife, “we can’t go back to Wal-Mart, either.”
Peace,
TN*hippie
This was my dad’s all-time favorite joke. The secret is in the delivery: proper British accent, straight-faced, stiff-upper-lip and all.
An old English gentleman meets a friend on the street.
1st gent: “Sorry to hear they buried your wife last week.”
2nd gent: “Had to. Dead, you know.”
As a kid, my favorites were the “Mommy, Mommy” jokes. These are the only three I remember:
“Mommy, Mommy, why is Daddy running?”
“Shut up and keep shooting.”
“Mommy, Mommy, I don’t wanna go to Europe.”
“Shut up and keep swimming.”
“Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sister’s guts.”
“Shut up and eat what’s on your plate.”
…and the “Little Willie” poems…
Willie with his thirst for gore
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said, with humor quaint:
“Willie, dear, don’t mar the paint.”
Willie and his sister Nell
Were playing by the cistern well.
Mother never found her daughter;
Now we sterilize our water.
Willie fell down the elevator.
Wasn’t found till six days later.
Neighbors sniffed, “Gee whiz…”
“What a spoiled child Willie is.”
But for good, clean fun, this is my all-time favorite:
A hillbilly was selling carved wooden figurines by the roadside. He had various little animals and people…all incredibly realistic. A travelling art dealer from NYC stopped and was marvelling at the craftsmanship of the pieces.
NewYorker: “This is outstanding work! Did you have any formal training?”
Hillbilly: “Nope.”
NewYorker: “You just taught yourself?”
Hillbilly: “Yup.”
NewYorker: “And all you use is that rusty little pocketknife?”
Hillbilly: “Yup.”
NewYorker: “How in the world do you do it?”
Hillbilly: “Welllll…say I wanna make me a dawg. I jest take me a block of wood an’ I cut off everthang thet don’t look like a dawg.”
Peace,
TN*hippie
I think I “heard” this one on the boards here, so correct me if I don’t tell it quite right…
A man is going through a checkout line at the supermarket with some TV dinners, a 24 pack of beer, and two things of Vaseline. The good-looking girl that is ringing him through looks at him and says, “Bachelor, huh?” He rolls his eyes, and remarks sarcasticly, “How could you tell?” She responds without a pause, “Because you’re fuckin ugly.”
Mr. Goldberg meets his old friend Mr. Finkelstein.
“So, nu, how are you?”
“And how should I be? Here I am, a good Jewish man. I raised my son with mitzvot. Sent him to yeshiva. Sent him out into the world. He comes back Christian. What am I to do?”
“Funny you should ask that question. The same thing happened to me. There’s only one thing we can do: go and ask the Rabbi.”
So they go to the Rabbi and say, “Here we are, two good Jewish men. We raised our sons with mitzvot. Sent them to yeshiva. Sent them out into the world. They come back Christian. What are we to do?”
The Rabbi answers, “Funny you should ask that question. The same thing happened to me. There’s only one thing we can do: ask the Almighty, Blessed be He.”
So they go into the synagogue, put on their prayer shawls, and pray: “Lord, here we are, three good Jewish men. We raised our sons with mitzvot. Sent them to yeshiva. Sent them out into the world. They come back Christian. What are we to do?” They wait. And then they hear a Voice:
“FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT QUESTION…”
Some of these were popular when I was a kid, some of these I got from ‘The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole’ (VERY funny book!).
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on
your front porch?
A: Matt.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a
swimming pool?
A: Bob.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on the
wall?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile
of leaves?
A: Russell.
Q: What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the
bottoms of his thighs?
A: Neil.
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the
other?
A: Eileen.
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter
than the other?
A: Irene.
And my personal favorite:
Q: What do you call an Irishman who’s been buried for
a thousand years?
A: Pete. (get it? peat? PEAT?! HAHAHAHA!)
And here’s a goofy one, but the punchline must be spoken in an over-the-top Irish accent:
Q: Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty-nine
beans in their bean soup?
A: Because if they put in one more, it would be two forty
(say it “too fahrty”).
Sorry if I offended anyone. I love jokes!
You reminded me of this one, moggy.
The sheriff of an old west town ran into the saloon and yelled “any a you hombres seen Brown Paper Jake”?
Don’t rightly know, sheriff, whut’s he look like?
Well, he’s about 6’2" and he wears a paper vest, paper chaps and a paper hat.
Ain’t seen 'im, whut you want 'im fer?
Rustlin’!!!
I rode into town on my high horse
but I’m ridin’ out on my donkey of despair
okay I remembered some more. These are kinda gross, though.
Q: What did the leper say the the prostitute after he
was done?
A: “Keep the tip.”
Q: What do you call a leper in the bath tub?
A: Stew.
* WARNING: GROSS ALERT*
A leper walks into a bar. He calls the bartender over for a drink & says, “Look, I’m a leper & I know my appearance may be offensive to some people. If you want me to leave, I will.”
The bartender says, “No that’s okay, you can stay.” & gets him his beer. After a while, the leper finishes his drink and calls the bartender over for a refill. As the bartender brings over the beer, he throws up.
The leper says, “Okay, I’m grossing you out, I’ll leave.”
The bartender wipes his mouth and says, “No, stay, it’s okay, it’s not you.” So the leper drinks his beer. When he’s finished with that one, he calls for yet another refill.
Once again, as the bartender is bringing the drink, he throws up.
The leper gets up. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave, it has to be me.”
The bartender says, “No, sit down, it’s not you, it’s not. Really.” At this point, the leper is starting to get a little miffed. But he sits back down & drinks his beer. After he finished it, he calls for another. As the bartender brings it, he throws up YET AGAIN.
By this time the leper is royally pissed. He says, “Look, mister, I told you that I would leave! You keep telling me that it’s not me, but every time you come over to me, you vomit? WHAT IS UP?”
The bartender says, “Look, it’s NOT you that’s making me sick. It’s the drunk sitting next to you, dipping his chips in your arm.”
BWAAHAAHAAHAA! I used to love telling that one in my middle-school days.
Donkeyoatey, just wanted to say, I LOVE your name. At first, when I read it, I thought, “Huh?”, but then I said it in my head and laughed. 
You know you’re getting old when…you recognize a joke that you first heard 35 years ago as a teenager. So the above dates back at least to 1966 for the benefit of future historians.
While we’re in the shaggy dog dept…
A man and his wife and small son, Nathan, were heading west in a covered wagon when they were attacked by savages. The man was shot off the wagon, the horses bolted and broke loose on a rough steep grade. The wagon careened downhill out of control with the wife clutching the seat with one hand to keep from being thrown off, and her son in the other arm, which was also close to the brake. To pull the brake and save herself and the wagon and their possessions, she would have to let go of the child. Continuing
to hold the child meant certain disaster at the bottom of the hill. You can well imagine that her maternal instincts prevailed and told her it was
“Better Nate than lever.”
donkey boy - you’re the tops!
Redboss
Did you hear about the leper card game? One guy threw his hand in, another laughed his head off, and the third cried his eyes out.
And, damn it, I had one more but can’t remember it…
Q: What’s the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
A: You can’t unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
[ul]
[li]Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?[/li]-- Tequila.
[li]A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.[/li]
[li]How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?[/li]-- Juan.
[li]What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?[/li]-- Dam!
[li]Did you hear about the clown who got the sack? He’s suing for funfair dismissal.[/li]
[li]Did you hear about the man who fell in love with two bags?[/li]-- He was bi-satchel.
[li]Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are in the middle of an intense lightsabre duel. All of a sudden, Darth says:[/li]
“Luke, I know what you’ve bought me for Christmas.”
Luke assumes this is a ploy to put him off, and ignores it, until Darth says again:
“Luke, I really do know what you’ve bought me for Christmas.”
Luke again ignores Darth’s unsportsmanlike attempt to win the fight. Yet Darth perseveres:
“Luke, I really really honestly know what you’ve bought me for Christmas.”
By this point Luke is rather angry, and replies:
“Okay then, how do you know what I’ve bought you for Christmas?”
“Luke, I felt your presents.”
[li]Two pieces of tarmac are sitting in a bar when the door crashes open and in walks a piece of red tarmac. One of the two patrons immediately dives for cover under a table. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” demands the other, “It’s just tarmac.” “Yes,” replies the cowering colleague, “but he’s a fucking cyclepath.”[/li]
[li]A man, lost and thirsty in the Sahara, spies a distant town and rushes towards it. As he enters the walled city, he finds himself in a crowded market. He staggers to the first stall and demands water. “Sorry sir, we only sell fresh fruit here,” he’s told, so on he moves. At the second stall a similar demand for water is met with, “Sorry sir, we only have fresh cream here.” Moving on to another stall, he calls once more for water, to be told, “I’m afraid we only have light spongecake here sir”.[/li]
Dejected, he leaves the city, pausing only to look back and mutter, “Well, that was a trifle bazaar.”[/ul]
What do you call an Irish woman with no arms and no legs who sits on the porch?
Patty O’Furniture
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixteen. One of them stands on a stepladder and holds the lightbulb just underneath the light fixture. The other fifteen drink whiskey until the room goes round.
why didn’t superman save jfk jr? he’s in a wheelchair!
why didn’t jfk jr shower before he left? he figured he’d just wash up on the beach.
what did jfk jr miss most about martha’s vineyard? the runway.
why do women wear makeup and perfume? 'cause they’re ugly and they stink!
why don’t you buy a watch for your wife on christmas? there’s a clock on the stove.
what’s wrong with your wife coming out of the kitchen to yell at you? the chain is too long.
and you’ll really hate me for this, but…
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? nothin’. you already told her twice.
Those last 3 are hilarious mattk.
Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female
I. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
II. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.
III. The native language used to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
IV. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as
informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m
certainly not going to tell you.”
V. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The nightingale singing in the garden.