There was a young guy working for the railroad company. He looked at the freight logs and relized that there was one very small train carrying beer fermenting products, and one small train that only had sleeper cars, that were going to the same town. He decided to impress his bosses by figuring out how to link them up, and save the extra engineer. He worked on it for hours, but couldn’t figure out a way to have them get together while remaining on schedule. He finally asked a senior employee if he could figure it out. The old guy looked at the logs and said “Sorry, yeast is yeast, and rest is rest, and never the trains shall meet.”
Q: Why did Soon-Yi Previn go crazy?
A: Because Woody Allen kept slapping her on the ass and screaming “Who’s your Daddy?” during sex.
only slightly offensive.
A Chinese couple gets married - and she’s a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring:
“My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten…I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?”
“I wanna numma 69”, she replies.
He responds, “You wanna beef with bloccolli?”
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
“They’re right - you do taste like chicken”.
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman. He opens his bag, pulls out a frog, and places it on the bar.
The woman, curious, asks him what the frog is for.
The man replies, “No, I shouldn’t say, you’ll be offended”.
The woman insists.
Finally, the man explains. “This frog is amazing. Believe it or not - this frog can eat pussy”.
SMACK! The woman slaps the man across the face.
The man shrugs and drinks his beer.
After a few minutes, the woman turns to him again. “Really, what is the frog for?”
The man insists, “I’m telling you, the frog eats pussy”.
The woman smacks him again.
Finally, the woman asks a third time.
The man, a bit defensive, says, “You don’t have to believe me. But I’m telling you, the frog eats pussy”.
The woman, exasperated, says, “Fine - show me”.
And with that, she and the man walk into the back of the bar, into the owner’s office.
The woman strips naked and lies on the desk.
The man gently places the frog between her legs, and tells the frog, “Get to it”.
The frog does nothing.
After a full minute, the woman starts to sit up, angry.
The man explains, “You just have to wait a minute - he can be shy”.
The woman, suspicious, lies down.
The frog does nothing.
The woman prepares to leave again, but the man pleads to give the frog one more chance.
The frog does nothing.
The man scoops up the frog, holds it up, and shouts, “Goddamnit, I’m only going to show you one more time…”
A little boy walks into a whorehouse.
The madam is a bit surprised, given both the boy’s young age and the fact that he is dragging a dead frog on a string.
The boy walks boldly up to the madam, throws down a hundred dollars, and says, “Give me a whore with AIDS”.
The madam is shocked. “This is a respectable place - my girls are clean”.
The boy, wise beyond his years, looks her in the eye. “Every place has one. I want to fuck a whore with AIDS.”
The madam eyes the money, takes it quickly, and says, “Jasmine, third door on the left”.
The boy heads off, dragging his dead frog.
Some time later, the boy is about to walk out of the building, when the madam stops him. “In my line of work, you learn not to ask a lot of questions - but I have to make an exception. Why did you want a girl with AIDS?”
The boy replies, “Simple. I’m going home. When my parents go out tonight, I’ll have a babysitter. When I fuck the babysitter, she’ll get AIDS. Then my dad will take her home, and fuck her in the car. And he’ll get AIDS. He’ll come home and fuck my mom. And she’ll get AIDS. And when the mailman will come tomorrow, and fuck my mom. And he’ll get AIDS”.
The madam is shocked. “And what is the point of all that?”
The boy smiles. “The mailman’s truck killed my frog”.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her.
Q: Where can you find the German armies?
A: Up the German sleevies.
Q: Why did the Amish girl get pregnant?
A: She had too many Mennonite.
OW!!! Stop that!!!
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. “Owch!” the chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says. “What was that for?” “That was for the Titanic,” the chinese man says. “But that was an iceberg!” “Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?
One night a very excited guy walks into his regular bar.
He says to the bartender: “Mike, you won’t believe what just happened! I was walking down by the railroad tracks on my way here, like I always do, and guess what I saw? There was this girl tied to the tracks! Well, I cut her loose and then guess what? We had sex about every way you could imagine! Whatta’ you think about that?”.
The bartender is duly impressed. He says: “Wow, that is incredible! Did you get a blow job out of it, too?”
“Nah. I wanted one, but I couldn’t find her head…”
Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted!! Get it Assaulted!! HAAAhahaaaaa
Thanks, tip you waitresses, try the veal, I’ll be here all week!
Best joke of all time:
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a bannana.
Did you see Helen Keller when she was on “To Tell The Truth?”
My NAME is Helen Keller.
MY name is Helen Keller.
Gaak, Gaak, Gaak
Why are these so funny to me?
A guy wants to become a monk, and sits before the abbot who explains the strict monastery rule: The vow of silence can only be broken with two words every ten years. The guy accepts and becomes a monk.
After the first ten years: Monk: Food cold.
After another ten years: Monk: Bed hard.
After another ten years: Monk: I quit.
The abbot replies: I’m not surprised, you haven’t stopped complaining since you got here.
Actual Q/A on chemistry test (full marks)
How does lightning contribute in fertilizing the earth?
It scares the shit out of the cows.
Actual, and even more obscure science joke
Ostensible typo in the text of a large pharmaceutical company’s CD-ROM:
…patient was asymptotic…
Proofreader’s note:
Poor girl, wasting away to nothing…
A duck walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender replies, no this is a bar, we serve drinks in here. The next day the duck goes back to the bar and again asks if they have any grapes. The bartender is somewhat exasperated and again tells the duck they definitely do not have any grapes. For a third time, the duck comes back and ask for grapes. The bartender is really pissed off by now, and says, look if you come back in here again and pull this stunt I’m gonna nail your goddam feet to the floor, now get the hell outta here! The next day the duck comes back and says to the bartender, you got any nails? No, says the bartender. The duck says, you got any grapes?
What’s a 6.9?
A good thing messed up by a period.
teeheehee
Four nuns die and are standing at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them, “OK, I know you’re all nuns, but I have to ask you this to check your purity. Have you ever in any way touched a penis?”
The first nun responds, “Yes St. Peter, I have. One time on the beach I walked past a man and the back of my hand brushed against his penis accidentally.” St. Peter tells her, “All right, bathe the back of your hand in the Holy Water and you may proceed into Heaven.” He asks the second nun the same question. “Yes, I have. One time, in my earlier years, in a moment of rage and anger, I kicked a man in the groin.” St. Peter tells her to soak her foot in the Holy Water and proceed into Heaven.
Well the fourth nun figures out what’s going on and interrupts the proceedings. “Wait just a second here! If you think I’m gargling that shit after she dips her ass in it, you’re out of your fucking mind!”
And finally, (since someone already told the Interrupting Cow joke)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?
…
Man, I kill me.
-Syko
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” - Ralph Wiggum
Sven and Olie went fishing one day up on Minnesota, and the fish were biting pretty well. All of a sudden Sven falls out of the boat and sinks. Olie lands his fish then jumps into the lake, pulls Sven into the boat and starts mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Olie says “Whew! Dat sure vas bad coffee Sven had for breakfast dis morning. Vait a minute, Sven wasn’t varing a snowmobile suit dis morning, I vonder who dis is?”
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Ah! But what do you call a boomarang that doesn’t come back to you??
A stick also!
Five doctors are out pheasant hunting, a general practitioner, a gynecologist, a pediatrician, a surgeon, and a pathologist.
A bird busts out of the weeds and flies in front of the hunters.
The general practitioner is not sure that it is a pheasant, so he pulls up and does not shoot.
The gynecologist thinks it might be a pheasant, but thinks it could be a hen, so he does not shoot.
The pediatrician thinks it’s a pheasant but it looks young, so he also chooses not to shoot.
BLAM! The surgeon shoots the bird and it hits the ground 20 yards in front of them, stone dead.
The surgeon turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that’s a pheasant, will you?”
A dog walks into a saloon, limping on one leg. Everyone turns to look at him and the dog says. “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
(Hopes someone gets it.)