How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.
Four men show up at the gates of heaven a few minutes apart from eachother. They approach St. Peter one by one, and Pete asks each of them how he died.
“Well,” starts the first man, “for awhile now I thought my wife was cheating on me. So today I came home from work early. My wife was there alone, but I saw a pair of hands hanging off the window ledge of our high-rise apartment. I was so consumed with anger that I grabbed our fridge and shoved it out the window at him, but I fell out with the fridge, and fell to death.”
“Interesting,” Pete says. “Next?”
“I was washing the windows of a high-rise apartment building,” says the second man, “when my scaffold gave way and I fell an grabbed onto a window ledge. When all of a sudden, this fridge comes flying out the window at me, and knocks me off the ledge to the ground below.”
“Huh,” Pete says, getting more curious. “Next?”
“I was just walking past this high-rise building,” guy no. 3 says, “when two guys and a fridge landed right on top of me, crushing me to death.”
“OK,” Pete says to guy no. 4, “I can’t wait to hear how you’re involved in this. Spill it.”
So the last guy starts his story: “Well, I was hiding in this refridgerator…”
No!
An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are at a restraunt. They all order beers. The beers get there and there is a fly in each one. The Englishman pushes his away and asks for a new one. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his beer, throws it to the ground and drinks his beer. The Irishman looks at his beer, grabs the fly out of it, holds it over the beer and starts yelling “Spit it out! Spit it out!”
A boy squirrel and a girl squirrel are playing around when a big gray wolf discovers them. The girl squirrel runs up a tree but the boy squirrel stays on the ground. The wolf says, “funny, most squirrels run away as soon as they see me.” To which the boy squirrel responds, “listen, bud - you ever run up a tree when you’re in love?”
A hunter is out in the middle of the woods when his shotgun runs out of ammo. On his way home a brown fox darts in front of him. “Hi there” he says to the fox. “Hi there” the fox replies. They get talking and discover that they both like hunting deer. Eventually they get to be good friends and the hunter invites the fox over for coffee. “So, do you do anything besides hunt?” the hunter asks. “In fact I do - I work at the typewriter company.” Now the hunter is curious. “What do you do at the typewriter company?” The fox replies, “I jump over the lazy dog.”
Physical humor:
When Groucho Marx says “Walk this way” and then does a duck walk.
LVgeogeek - -
As an engineer, I used to say:
An optimist says “the glass is half-full”.
A pessimist says “the glass is half-empty”.
An engineer says “100% surplus capacity is a comfortable safety factor”.
Now I am wiser and know that the initial estimate was padded because you never want to underestimate when applying for the grant.
In the same vein:
And Irishman, an Englishman, a young woman and an older woman are traveling on a train. The two men are sitting opposite the two women. The train enters a tunnel. There is the sound of a kiss, the sound of a slap. On exit, the Englishmen has a red cheek and a black eye.
What is each one there thinking?
Older woman: “Well, that’s a proper young lady. Let him have what he should for trying a sneaky move like that!”
Young woman: “Oh, he tried to take advantage of the dark, but the train lurched, he ended up kissing the older woman beside me and got what he deserved”
Englishman: “It’s not fair! This Irish slob here tries a fast one, and I get the slap for it!”
Irishman: “There’s another tunnel coming up soon. I’ll kiss the back of my hand again and I’ll puff up the Limey bastard’s other eye as well!”
Ship wreck island jokes:
Two French men and and woman on a desert island together, after a couple of days they have formed a threesome and live happily together.
Two Germans and a German woman on a desert island together, by the weekend they have drawn up a rota so that she gets to sleep with each of them alternate days with Sunday off.
Two Italians and an Italian woman on a desert island together, by the weekend the Italians have fought a duel over her and they are down to two and live happily together.
Two Greek men and a Greek woman on a desert island together, by the weekend the Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek lady is looking glum.
Two Englishmen and an English woman on a desert island together. A month later they are still waiting to be introduced.
Two Irishmen and an Irish woman on a desert island together. They start by dividiing the island in half and throwing stones at each other, by the weekend they have compromised to the extent of building a coconut distillery on the border and are thereafter generally too pissed to notice the Irish woman often. But she’s happy because at least she is getting more nooky than the English are.
Two Bulgarian men and a Bulgarian woman on a desert island together. The Bulgarian men take one look at the Bulgarian woman, glace at each other, nod, and start swimming.
Two Swedes and a Swedish woman. They form a collective but she declares that her body is a temple and will have nothing to do with either of them. They are happy enough because its sunny all the time, isn’t permanent darkness for half the year and the taxes are real low.
There are more…
But on a related theme:
What’s the new European directive on heaven?
Where the English are the policemen, the Germans are the engineers, the Swiss are the bankers, the French are the cooks, the Greeks are the politicians and the Italians are the lovers.
And hell?
Where the English are the cooks, the Germans are the policemen, the French are the politicians, the Greeks are the engineers, the Italians are the bankers and the Swiss are the lovers.
Two muffins sit in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “Hot enough for you?” to which the second muffin replies, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and goes, “Do you smell fish?”
Two perch in a tank. One turns to the other and goes, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Says the one lesbian frog to the other:
“hey, they’re right, we do taste like chicken!”
bughunter says, “Knock knock”
Pb replies, “Who’s there?”
awkward silence as bughunter unexpectedly tries to think of reply
hasn’t failed yet, but I’m waiting for the day someone can’t take a joke and replies, “A knuckle sandwich” Kapow!
You F***in BASTARD Algorithm!
Stole my joke :smack:.
Well… Nothing beats the muffin joke (as my MSN screen name read a few days ago :P)
Although another version is
Theres two muffins in an oven. One muffin says to the other: “Holy shit its hot in here!” the other one turns around “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
I originally thought this was a joke. I didn’t get it, but figured that anytime someone asked me a knock-knock joke, I’d respond with, “Are you a duck?”
:smack:
Apologies, for the length. I’ll try to be brief. This one would be great to share around the dinner table during the upcoming holidays:
Guy walks into the diner, sits down at the counter and sees a sign saying “Special, cold chili.” When he asks for a bowl, the waitress says, "Sorry, but that guy next to you got the last bowl."
First guy looks over at his neighbor. Sure enough, he has a bowl of cold chili. But he isn’t touching it. Instead he is wolfing down a full meal he apparently ordered in addition to the chili. Nothing else appeals to the first guy, so he just orders a cup of coffee.
Eventually, the neighbor is finishing up, and still hasn’t touched the chili. So the first guy asks, "If you aren’t going to eat your cold chili, do you mind if I try it?"
Neighbor says “sure”, slides the bowl over, and first guy begins to chow down.
Guy gets a little over halfway through the bowl when he realizes that there is a huge dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. The sight repulses him such that he pukes what he had just eaten back into the bowl. At which his neighbor comments, “That’s about as far as I made it myself!”
What do lesbians need in order to get married?
A liquor license.
OK, it’s funnier when you say it…
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two if they’re small enough.
One Sunday, the Seven Dwarves went to Mass. The Priest was a little way into his sermon when Dopey stands up and says “Father, are there any midget nuns in your parrish?” “No, my son. There are no midget nuns in my parrish”, then he continues with his sermon. After a bit, Dopey stands up again, and says “Father, are there any midget nuns in this city?” “No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city. Please sit down.” The Priest continues and after a bit, Dopey stands up and says “Father, are there any midget nuns in this whole state?” “NO. There are no midget nuns in the whole state” A few more minutes pass, and once again Dopey stands up and says “Father, do you know of any midget nuns at all?” “NO! I don’t! Please stop interrupting me!” After a few more moments, there is giggling heard from the rest of the Dwarves. “Is there something you would like to share?” asks the Priest. The Dwarves start chanting: “Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!”
Bill is having problems with tennis elbow. He calls his doctor for advice, and to set up an appointment. The doctor tells him “Just rest it as much as you can for now. I have a spot for an appointment tomorrow morning. Come in at 9:00 and bring a urine sample.”
“A urine sample?!” Bill replies. “Why would you need a urine sample to check out my tennis elbow?”
The doctor said “I have this nifty new spectral analysis diagnostic machine, it can tell me everything I need to know from a urine sample. See you tomorrow.”
Needless to say, Bill is amazed, and a little skeptical. He goes home and tells his wife, and she can’t believe it either. So he decides to see just how good this thing is. He pees in a bottle, has his wife pee in it as well. Then, for good measure, he has his teenage daughter and son pee in it. Thinking that maybe that’s just not enough, he masturbates into it as well. Then, when he was getting in the car to drive to the appointment, he takes the dipstick out of the engine and stirs it all up.
He goes to the doctor’s office and gives the bottle to the receptionist, and she tells him to have a seat, and the doctor will see him after he runs the analysis. The doctor comes out and calls him into the office, and asks him to sit down.
He says “Bill, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. Your wife has Syphillis, your daughter is pregnant, and your son has mono. Your car is about to throw a rod. And I told you to rest your elbow. If you don’t quit jerking off, you’ll never get rid of that tennis elbow!”