My job decided to post a week of events board in the staff room and I was assigned the joke of the day. I need some material and the stuff on websites are all the same. Thanks for your help.
-M
Okay, here is one I just made up today. It’s original.
Q: How are an Eskimo newsboy and Mexican food alike?
A: They both have chilly papers.
Why was Bert doing the pigeon?
Ernie said,“Not tonite hon, I have a headache!”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the monkey.
What’s white, creamy and comes at you from all directions?
Quadrophonic rice pudding.
OK…some bartender told me this one the other night. I’m surprised I remember it.
It’s got some adult words in it, but it’s not the same with the technical words, and I don’t know how to use the spoiler thingies. So be warned.
This guy was in love with his girlfriend and got her name “Wendy” tattooed on his dick. When it was hard, it was fully spelled out, but when it wasn’t, you could only read “Wy”
So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon. The guy is peeing in a urinal in a bathroom, and sees a Jamaican dude at another urinal and happens to notice that his dick said “Wy” as well. The guy (I guess he’s drunk, because i don’t think a real dude would ask another guy about his dick, but I’m not a guy so I really don’t know. But then again, if a guy gets anything tattooed on his wang, he’s probably not afraid of anything. But I digress…) says to the Jamaican, “Hey, mine says “Wy” too! It’s the name of my wife. Does yours say Wendy too?”
The other guy says "No, mine says Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day "
Bwahahahaha!!
Still can’t believe how I laughed at that 
Ok, here’s one off the top…
**Innkeeper: ** The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you make your own bed.
**Guest: ** I’ll make my own bed.
**Innkeeper: ** Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.
Still can’t believe how I laughed at that
Ok, here’s one off the top…
**Innkeeper: ** The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you make your own bed.
**Guest: ** I’ll make my own bed.
**Innkeeper: ** Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.
So this one time a priest, a rabbi, and Elvis walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
A guy comes home from work and says to his wife, “Honey, pack up the suitcases, I just won the lottery!”
“Great!”, said his wife. “Do you want me to pack for the beach or the mountains?”
“Beach, mountains, I dont care” said the man. Just pack your shit and get the fuck out of here."
Bwahahahaha!
Jon
How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
cough choke gag
Oh, for work you say. Hmmmm.
Q: What’s brown, and sticky?
A: A stick.
A grashopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You got a drink named Steve?”
A Scotsman walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you got a steering wheel on your crotch.” The Scotsman says, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
Here are three gems (imho):
One day in a resting home an old lady and an old man were sitting at the coffee table talking. Out of no where the lady said, ‘I bet I can guess your age.’ The old man replied, ‘No you can’t. If you can, go for it.’ So the lady said, ‘OK, take off your pants… now turn around…’ She checks him and continues,‘Ok turn back around, you’re 84 years old.’ The old man in shock, says, ‘how did you know?’ The lady replies, ‘You told me yesterday.’
A Grandpa walks into a grandson’s apartment and sees a condom on the table. ‘What’s this!?’ demands the grandfather. ‘It’s a condom’ replies the grandson sheepishly. ‘What do you use it for?’ asks Gramps. The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn’t know what a condom is, and replies ‘I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain’ To his surprise his grandpa says ‘That’s a great
idea,’ and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom. ‘What size would you like’ asks the pharmacist. ‘Oh, big enough to fit a camel’
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend,’ My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran.’
What’s the difference between a chicken?
One of its legs are both the same.
(Works best when drunk.)
Safe for work (or even church, for that matter):
An engaged couple is driving to Vegas to get married when they run off the road and are killed. At the Pearly Gates, they ask Saint Peter whether they can get married in heaven. “Hmm,” says Saint Peter, “wait here and I’ll see what I can do.”
They wait patienty for hours, then days, and then weeks. They wait so long that they become disgruntled and begin to quarrel with each other, so much so that they wonder whether their marriage will even work out. Finally, after a month of waiting, Saint Peter returns. “Yes!” he cries out breathlessly, “You can get married in heaven!”
“Well,” says the man, “what we’d like to know now is whether, if we get married, we’ll be able to get a divorce.”
Saint Peter scowls at them both and says sternly, “It took me a month to find a preacher up here. And now you want me to find a lawyer?”
A family of moles lived happily in a hole in the ground. One day, the daddy mole sticks his head out, sniffs the breeze, and declares, “I smell maple syrup!” Mama Mole joins him in the doorway, sniffs the breeze, and says, “No, I think it’s honey!” The baby mole wants to try, but the bodies of his parents are blocking the hole. So he takes a whiff, and says, “Smells like molasses to me!”
(Get it? Mole asses! My apologies to whichever Doper originally posted that one, but I still tell it all the time.)
Q: What’s large, white and sits in a forest?
A: A fridge.
Also:
Q: What’s long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine.
This three-legged dog walks into a bar.
The barman says “Can I help you?”
“Yes” the dog replies “I’m looking for the man that shot my pa(w).”
Arf arf.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
A seal waks into a club.