Good Jokes!

O.K. Let’s here some of your best jokes! I want to be falling over laghing! I don’t want anyone leaving here without laughing till you drop… buta small chuckle will do
(please keep it semi-clean)

I’ll start

Q: Why don’t DumbBlondes make Chocolate chip cokies?

A: Because it’s too hard to peel the M&M’s

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above …

I think this has been done like 4 times that I remember. Go to Search and type “Jokes” and you’ll get at least a few threads.

Need some good Jokes? Give that a shot.

AMM9132, I’ve got you beat.
Hun, check these out for some good laughs:
Jokes you still laugh at…but shouldn’t,
Racist WHITE jokes,
Heard any good jokes lately?,
good CLEAN jokes,
GW Bush jokes
Good Jokes,
Offensive jokes,
Bad Jokes,
Share your jokes with me,
Redhead Jokes, and last but not least, Lame jokes.

Those aren’t all of them, but they’re the longest and best. Have fun, and welcome to the boards.

I saw a guy the other day wearing a camoflage hat. Sheesh. Where was his head?


Two good friends were out hiking one day. One of the hikers stepped off the trail to take a leak. Suddenly a rattlesnake bit him right where it counts most. He screamed and his friend came running.

After a minute of panic, the friend said… “Look you just wait here and rest while I run into town to get some help.” His friend ran all the way to town and found the doctor.

Doctor: “Hmm… well, I’m afraid you are going to have to cut the wound lengthwise across the fang marks and then suck all the venom out. Your friend should be just fine then.” The town doctor wasn’t able to go to the victim because advanced age so the hiker asked him to repeat his instructions several times just to be sure he had them right. He then ran as fast as he could back to his injured friend in the woods.

Injured Hiker: “Did you find the doctor?”

Friend: “Yes, I ran all the way to town and I found the doctor.”

Injured Hiker: “Well, what did he say?”

Friend: “He said you’re going to die…”

Quite impressive.

And of course we wouldn’t want to forget elephant jokes.

A couple has identical twins, but has to give them up for adoption. One goes to a Mexican couple and they name their boy Juan and another goes to an Arab couple and they name their child Amal. Twenty years later Juan learns the identity of his real parents and he mails them a letter of him with a picture. The wife says to the husband, “Maybe we should try to get in touch with our other twin and he could send us a letter with a picture.” The husband goes. “We don’t need a picture of him. They’re identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”

The Elmo Misunderstanding

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Jesus walks into a hotel and slams three nails down on the counter and says to the clerk, “Can you put me up for the night?”

The Lemon Trick

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”


A old guy takes his wife to the Dr. The doc tells him she’s either got AIDS or Alzheimers, but he can’t figure out which. “What should I do?” the old guy askes. “Leave her by the side of the road when you leave here. If she makes it home, don’t fuck her.”
Semi-clean? You’re at the wrong website, bucko. :wink:

(Welcome to the SDMB)

Serious guys… keep em clean please…

A girl is riding in the car with her mom. They drive past a cemetary, and the girl asks her mom

“Do they ever bury 2 people in one grave?”

The mom says “No, of course not, why do you ask?”

The girl responds “That grave over there said ‘here lies a lawyer and an honost man.’”

A man is in a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll bet you five hundred dollars than I can piss in a beer glass from across the length of the bar without spilling a drop.”

“You’re on,” says the bartender, and he places a beer glass at the end of the bar.

At the other end, the man unzips his pants and proceeds to try to pee in the glass , but gets it all over the bar, the stools, and the floor.

The bartender breaks out into laughter at the sight of this. “Looks like you’re out five hundred bucks!”

“Not really,” says the man as he points to someone in the corner. “I just bet that man a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar, your stools, and your floor, and that instead of getting angry, you’d laugh.”

peewee_RotA: Didn’t you ever take Pysch 101? There’s no such thing as a clean joke.


You know how close I am to posting the worst, dirtiest, foulest “joke” I know? Don’t bait bears, son, it’s not safe. :wink:

Why did the snail draw a big 'S’on the passenger side door?
So when he drove by, people would shout:
“look at that S-car go!”

oh, here’s another one, and it’s worse:

Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

A man is accused of theft and looks for a lawyer to represent him. He calls a lawyer to see if he can help him out.

“What are you accused of?” asks the lawyer.

“A shop owner says I stole eleven bottles of beer,” replies the man.

The lawyer tells him, “Well, I can’t make a case out of that!”

A seventy-year-old woman gets married for the fourth time. She goes home with her new husband and they prepare to consecrate the marriage. The woman says to the man, “Before we start, there’s something you should know. I’m a virgin.”

Her new husband was shocked. “A virgin? But you were married three times before! How can this be?”

“Well, it’s like this,” explained the woman. “My first husband was very nice but he and I just didn’t click… uh… that way. We eventually decided that it would be for the best to split up, and we parted on amiable terms.”

“My second husband was a little different. He was wonderful, but he didn’t really like women in… uh… that way. Eventually we decided we’d both be happier if we’d just move on, so we split up and parted on amiable terms.”

“My third husband, well, he was a Republican, and he just kept on talking about how good it was going to be…”