If you’ve got some good jokes, why not share them? You can make them as crude and scatological as you like.
I’ll start with one of mine.
A half eaten melon, a half eaten banana and a penis were in a room and they were talking about all the horrible things which humans tended to do to them. The banana turned to the other two and said
“Ah, those humans man, they’re bastards. You know what they did to me? They skinned me alive, cut me in half and ate me!!!”
The other two muttered words of condolence and they were silent for a second, then the melon said,
“Banana’s right, they ARE bastards, but that’s nothing to what they did to me, first, they took out a bloody big knife, then they cut me in half, cut me in half AGAIN and then they scooped out my insides with a big spoon!!!”
“Oh, that’s terrible, terrible” said the banana and the dick. Then the dick said
“But that’s nothing compared to what they do to me, first they grab me and shove a plastic bag over my head, then they lock me in a dark room and make me do press ups til’ I’m SICK!!!”
Okey, I got one.
Once a teacher asks a female student, “Which part of the body gets 10 times bigger under the impact of emotion?”
The girl blushes and says, “I’d rather not answer that question.”
The teacher then asks the boy sitting next to her and he answers correctly, “The pupil of our eye.”
The teacher then looks back at the girl and says, “Your confusion proves three things. One: You did not do your homework. Two: You have a dirty mind and three: You are going to be sadly disappointed.”
my favorite very short joke:
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing saran wrap instead of pants. The doctor says “I can clearly see yer nuts”.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a pretty young lady at the counter. After a few minutes, the man turns to the lady and says “Can I smell your pussy?”. The stunned woman turns to the man and says “absolutely NOT!”. To which the man replies “Hmm, must be your feet then.”.
It’s “Career Day” at the local catholic elementary school.
Sister Mary Puddinhead, for an activity, has each of her students stand up and say what they’d like to be when they grow up.
Little Jimmy says “I want to be a police officer when I grow up!”
Little Tracy says “I would like to be a doctor when I grow up!”
Little Billy says “I want to be a fireman when I grow up!”
And so on and so forth, until it is little Janey’s turn to speak her mind.
Little Janey says “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”
Sister Mary Puddinhead faints dead away. Several minutes pass, the other nuns (hearing her go “thud” on the floor) come by and revive her. When the sister re-gathers her wits, she summons little Janey to the front of the class.
“What exactly did you say before I had my…brief spell?” the nun asks, bracing herself for what might be uttered.
“I said,” little Janey states nonchalantly “I want to be a PROSTITUTE when I grow up.”
Sister Mary Puddinhead stares for a moment, blinks, then a smile of relief washes across her face. “Ohhhhhh,” she sighs, I thought you said “PROTESTANT…”
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, “Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The petrol pump, of course, didn’t respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump’s haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, “Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”
The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you mustn’t anger him!” But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?”
The other alien answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it’s that a guy who has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don’t mess with him!”
One day Superman decides he’s tired of fighting crime, and decides he’s going to have a night out on the town.
He flies over to his buddy Spiderman’s house, and says “Hey, Spidey, let’s go have some fun.” “I can’t, Superman” Spiderman replies, “My web thrower’s broken and I have to stay in and fix it so I can fight crime.” “Fine!” grumbles Superman, and he flies away.
Next, Superman stops at his old pal Batman’s house. “Hey, Batman, let’s go have some fun.” “Sorry Superman, the Batmobile is broken, and I have to stay in and fix it so I can fight crime”. Superman, quite agitated now, replies “FINE!! You stay here and fix your damn car. I’m going out for some fun.”
Superman spends the next half hour flying around wondering what he is going to do for fun, when suddenly he spots Wonder Woman, stark naked, lying on her back with her legs spread wide open. Superman thinks to himself “Hey, I’m Superman. I could fly down there at the speed of light, do my business, and be gone before she ever knew what was happening.” With that, he circles around, flies down at the speed of light, humps the hell out of Wonder Woman, and flies away.
Wonder Woman looks around for a second, then mutters “What in God’s name was that??” The invisible man replies “I don’t know, but it hurt like hell.”
A guy gets a penis extension made from elephant trunk.
After several weeks in recovery, he leaves the hospital and
to celebrate, his girlfriend takes him out to dinner.
They sit at the table, order some soup, and when the bread arrives, the guy starts to get very aroused. He tries to think it down but eventually the throbbing gets the better of him and he opens his trousers. With that, his enlargeed penis reaches accross the table, grabs a bread roll, and returns from whence it came.
The guy’s girlfriend takes several moments but eventually regains her composure.
She says to him “Can you do that again?”
“I dont know, baby”, he replies, his eyes visibly watering, “I dont think my ass can take another bread roll”.
A guy was in a motorbike accident and when he woke up in hospital the doctors had to tell him that he had lost an arm. The man was understandably upset but the doctor looking after him told him not to worry,
“There have been incredible advances recently in the field of prosthetics” The doctor said “We now have the technology to fit you up with a bionic arm, superior in every way to your original, flesh and blood arm”.
After hearing this news the man understandably perks up a bit, and once the doctor had explained the proceedure of fitting the new arm to him, the man started to look forward to having his new, enhanced arm.
Anyway, after the operation he woke up, looked, and saw a shiny metal arm where his old one used to be. The doctor was standing over him and told the man how important it was to find out if the new arm was working properly. The doctor put a rubber ball on the table. He said to the man
“If you want to move your arm you have to speak into a small microphone built into the shoulder, and tell it what to do. The arm will then do it”.
The man said to the arm “Pick up the ball” C-CLICK. VRRRM, the arm whirred as it picked up the ball. The doctor seemed to be happy and walked away. Once he’d gone the man decided to give the arm a real test out and whispered to the arm “Undo my flies” C-CLICK.VRRRM went the arm, “Grab ahold of my dick” C-CLICK.VRRRM, “Now, Jerk me off” C-CLICK.VRRRM.
After a minute or two the man said “Faster” C-CLICK.VRRRM,
“faster” C-CLICK.VRRRM, “FASTER!!!” shouted the man, the arm went faster and faster until the inevitable happened and it ripped his dick clean off.
“FUCK ME!!!” The man screamed in horror.
C-CLICK.VRRRM.
So this panda walks into a resturant, and orders the house special.
The waiter brings it and the panda digs in. He’s obviously enjoying himself, smacking his lips, complimenting the chef, etc.
At the end of the meal the waiter brings the check, and the panda takes out a gun, shoots him dead, and walks out of the resturant.
The bartender, who has been watching all of this, follows the panda and stops him on the street.
He asks him “Why did you do that? Why did you shoot that poor waiter? You obviously enjoyed you meal. The check wasn’t that bad. Why would you do such a thing?”
And the panda says"Don’t you know who I am? I’m a panda."
And the bartender says “So?”
And the panda say “Well. Look me up.” And he walks off.
So the bartender goes back to the resturant and gets out the dictionary he happens to keep behind the bar, and looks up “panda”.
And right there it says “Panda: a large bear-like mammal that eats shoots and leaves.”
What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
Red Riding Hood is walking in the woods when the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says “Ah ha! Got you! Now I’m going to steal your basket of goodies!” From which Red Riding Hood pulls out a .357 magnum and says, “No, you’re going to eat me, like the book says!”
What is the difference between a friend and a good friend?
A friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move…a body!
A guy is talking to a woman in the bar and he says, “If I gave you a million dollars would you have sex with me?”. the girl replies she would. Then the guy says, “Okay, how about for 10 bucks?” The girl get’s pissed and says “No! What do you think I am?” To which the guy replies, “you already told me what you are, I’m just trying to find out how much!”
Red Riding Hood is walking in the forrest when the big bad wolf jumps out and says “Ahh, I got you! Now I’m gonna eat you !” To which Red Riding Hood says “Eat, eat, eat. Doesn’t anyone fuck anymore?”
Like I said, those are some of my ma’s favorites. I’ve had to hear those for 39 years now. :rolleyes:
I know that many people here don’t think very highly of Rush Limbaugh, but he just had (what I think was) a very funny line:
Ask the child of a Rush Limbaugh listener whether or not you have the right to protect yourself, he’d say, “Yes, the Second Amendment gives you the right to keep and bear arms.”
Ask the child of a liberal whether or not you have the right to protect yourself, he’d say, “Yes, here’s a condom.”
A primary school teacher asks the class to write down their thoughts on the police force.
There are various answers, but one disturbs him: A child has simply written “Police is bastards.”
The teacher arranges for the police PR types to come over. They do and show footage of cats being rescued from drains and give the children rides in the police car etc etc.
The next day, he asks the children once again for their written thoughts on police.
In the same handwriting: “Police is cunning bastards.”
Then the Zen master paid for the dog with a $50 bill, which the vendor pocketed. The Zen master saidi “Hey! That was a fifty and the dog was only $2!”. The vendor answered, “yes, but you should know that the change must come from within…”
Ummm, I don’t get it. I must be missing something obvious. I get that “where’s the soap” might sound like “wears the soap”, but it still doesn’t make sense to me.
