Q: How many mice does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the problem is stuffing the little guys in there…
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
'Cause they’re ugly and they stink.
Q: What’s red and not there?
A: No tomatos.
Somehow, this kills everyone I tell it to. It’s that cheesey.
A man goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gave him one.
Q: How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb in, and the other to hold the penis. I mean, ladder.
Q: What’s the worst thing that can happen to you?
A: Getting fingered by captain hook.
Q: What’s worse than that?
A: He has jock itch
The polar bear is driving though town and his car starts acting up. He takes it to the walrus’ garage and the walrus gets it on the lift. Looking under the the car, he says to the polar bear “Looks like you blew a seal.” The polar bear wipes his chin and says, “No, that’s just mayo from my lunch.”
A guy goes to his horse breeder friend and tells him he’s sending a guy over to see about a horse. The breeder asks how he’ll know the guy, and the first guys says, “Oh, you’ll know him. He’s a midget and he has a speech impediment.”
A couple days pass, and the midget shows up and the breeder’s ranch.
With an Elmer Fudd-like speech impediment, he says, “Pwease wift me up so I can wook into the horse’s ears.”
The breeder lifts him up and the midget inspects the horse’s ears.
“Pwease wift me up so I can wook at the horse’s teefe.”
Begrudgingly, the breeder picks him up and shows him the horse’s teeth.
The midget says, “Thanks. Now, can I see her twat?”
Christ, the breeder thinks to himself. He picks up the midget and shoves him up inside the horse. A minute or so later, he pulls the midget out, and the midget says, “Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. Can I see her wun awound a wittle?”
Bwahahahahahaha!!!
A Ham and Cheese sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve sandwiches”.
No no no!
It goes like this:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
An Englishman, Frenchman and Jamaican are all waiting for word on the birth of their children.
The doctor comes out and says, “Good news. You are all the proud fathers of healthy boys!”
The men are thrilled.
The doctor adds, “unfortunately, all the the boys were born at the same time and we seem to have mixed them up. We were hoping you could come in and help figure out which boy is yours.”
The Englishman tore off faster than the others, saw a little boy with beautiful dark skin and dredlocks and picks him up, “This is my boy!”
The doctor, trying to be diplomatic, says, “Well, sir…of all of the babies, that is the one we assumed to be Jamaican.”
The Englishman replied, “That may be, but one of the other two is French.”
A German, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are exploring in darkest Africa. They get captured by cannibals, and the cannibal chief greets them.
“Hello, gentlemen, it’s too bad that you’re going to be dying soon, but just so you know, we are quite efficient at this. Benefits of a Cambridge education, you know. Once we’re done skinning you, we’re going to make knife handles from your bones, and canoes from your skins. Now, how would you like to die?”
The german asks for a gun with one bullet. He blows his brains out.
The frenchman asks for a knife. He cuts his throat.
The New Yorker asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, yelling, “Fuck yer god-damned canoes!”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
A little boy is in the first grade. Every day he says to his teacher “Move me to the third grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m as smart as she is!” The teacher gets tired of this and takes him to the principal’s office.
The principal says “Son, let me ask you a few questions. What is 3 x 3?”
“Nine,” the boy answers.
“What is 6 x 6?” The boy tells him it’s 36.
“And what is 9 x 9?” The boy says it’s 81.
“Well,” says the principal, “I think you’re smart enough to move to the third grade.”
“Just a minute,” says the teacher, “let me ask him a few questions. What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?”
The principal turns bright red and yells “You can’t ask a child a question like that!” The boy just says “Legs.”
The teacher continues, “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have under my skirt?”
Again the principal turns red and yells, “You can’t ask a child a question like that!” And the boy just says “Pockets.”
So now the teacher asks, “What begins with an F and ends with a U C K and means a whole lot of excitement?”
By now the principal is furious. “You can’t ask a child a question like that! I’ll make sure you lose your job!” he bellows.
“Fire Truck,” the boy says.
So the principal says, “Son, I’m moving you to the sixth grade. Even I didn’t know the answers to those last three questions.”
Are you sure that joke isn’t supposed to say, “screw in a lightbulb”?
Whatddya call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!!
Whatddya call cheese that’s not yours?
Not-cho cheese!!
Fish is swimming along, runs into a wall - what’s it say?
Damn!
Man walks into his psychiatrist’s office wearing only saran wrap around his waist.
His psychiatrist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts!”
Termite walks into a bar and asks, “excuse, but where’s the bartender?” (think about it)
Why do all brides wear white at their weddings?
Because ALL kitchen appliances come in white!!
What has 6 legs, tries to scream, and runs around on woodchips?
A pitbull at a playground!!
What do Tigger and a Catholic priest have in common?
They boy enjoy poking a little boy’s Pooh!!
Why did Helen Keller’s dog kill itself?
You would too if your name was “Daarwovmogg”
Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?
A: You oscillate its tit a lot.
I’ve posted this one before, but what the heck: The audience keeps changing.
How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
You need four skin divers.
(Say it out loud, if necessary.)
Write this on paper and have some one read it aloud:
My Dixie Wrecked
Sofa King What?
If you see Kay, be sure to tell her.
What’s the difference between a lesbian and a walrus?
One has a moustache and eats fish, and the other one’s a walrus.