Give me your best joke.

Cafe Society
41

A man is using the public restroom, when he sees a guy in a clown suit. Excited, he shouts “Hey, aren’t you Bozo the Clown?”

Bozo: “Yeah, what’s it to ya’?”
Man: “Wow! I can’t believe it. You’re my favorite, Bozo.”
Bozo: “Yeah, thanks - whatever.”
Man: “Do a trick for me, Bozo.”
Bozo: “Listen pal, I’m really not in the mood…”
Man: “Come on - just one trick. Pleeeeeeeease?”
Bozo: “Oh, all right - drop your pants.”
Man: “Drop my pants?”
Bozo: “Look, do you want to see the trick or not?”
Man: “O.K., Bozo - I’m dropping my pants.”

Bozo walks up behind the man and says: “O.K., on the count of 3, I’m gonna stick my thumb in your ass - tell me when you feel it. 1…2…3…”

Man: “I feel it, Bozo - I feel it.”
Bozo: [waves both thumbs in air] “TA-DAAAAAA!”

42

I used to know a lot of jokes. I’ve forgotten most of them. Might remember one or two really lame ones, hold on . . .
What did the vampire say to the schoolmarm?

“See you next period!”
How can you tell when Ronald McDonald is mooning you?

He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!
Mickey Mouse decides to divorce Minnie, so they go to court.

The Judge looks over the details of the case and says, “I’m sorry Mr. Mouse, but you can’t divorce your wife simply because she’s mentally ill.”

And Mickey says, “I didn’t say she’s metally ill, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”

43

I got hit with something like this years ago…but, it said:

 I am Wee Todd id.....Sofa King Wee Todd id.

I pulled it on EVERYONE, it was so funny to have people read it outloud over and over, saying “I dont get it” I would tell them “keep reading, it wil make sense soon!”

44

Heard this one from a marine:

What’s the difference between a rhino and a navy nurse? About 75lbs…

45

Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja!.. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

46

Q: How many Iraqi information ministers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It’s not dark in here. We have simply moved the light to a secure location where the infidels can’t steal it. I will take you there next week.

Q: Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive a car?
A: Because she was a woman.

:d&r:

47

tracer, give me the keys to your car, now!

48

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

49

Two ducks are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other duck will do.
The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’

A penguin walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “Excuse me, have you seen my father?”
The bartender says “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
(Think about it…)

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first one says, “Boy, it sure is hot in here!” and the second one says, “Holy shit, a talking muffin!”

50

You have to make this sound like a real news story, place the two old women in a well known public place.

I read a story in the paper, where two old women were sitting on a bench in ________. Apparently, a man in a trench coat ran up to them and flashed them! One of the old ladies had a stroke, right then and there! (Pause as they exclaim “oh no!”) The other old lady, however, couldn’t reach.

51

Q. What do you get if you have a cow and some ducks ?

A. Milk and quackers

52

Am I overthinking this one?

53

All penguins pretty much look the same. That’s about it. :slight_smile:

54

So I pilfered this from a website. Sue me :stuck_out_tongue:
http://wantdbest.com/humor/jokes/decoy.html
Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a bar. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated, he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall in the drivers seat. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. The equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy!”

55

SO ONE TIME Lena and Ole were lying in bed late one night, and Ole said, “Lena, if I was to die someday, you wouldn’t get married again, would you?”

And Lena thought a bit and said gently, “Well, Ole . . . y’ know, I’m still a young woman. I suppose I would get married again.”

So Ole said, “Lena, if I was to die and you got married again, you wouldn’t live in this house with him, would you?”

And Lena thought a bit and said VERY gently, “Well, Ole, this old house of ours is a good house. I suppose we would live in this house.”

So Ole said, “Lena, if I was to die and you got married again and the two of you lived in this house, you wouldn’t sleep together in this bed, would you?”

And Lena thought a bit, and then she said very, VERY gently, “Ole, this old bed of ours is a good bed. I suppose we would sleep in this bed.”

So Ole said, “Lena, if I was to die and you got married again . . . Lena . . . tell me, please . . . he WOULDN’T use my golf clubs, would he?”

And Lena said, “No, Ole. He’s left-handed.”

SO ONE TIME Sven said to Ole, “Ole, that’s a fine family you got there! Five boys! You and Lena get a boy every time?”

And Ole said, “Oh, no, Sven! Usually we don’t get anything.”

SO ONE TIME Lena died and Ole called the funeral parlor. “Hello,” he said. “This is Ole Olsen. My wife Lena’s passed away. Will you come and take her to the funeral home?”

And the undertaker says, “Of course, Mr. Olsen. What is your address?”

So Ole says, “137 Chysanthemum Boulevard.”

And the undertaker says, “How do you spell that, Mr. Olson?”

So Ole says, “Tell you what. How about I drag her over to Elm Street and you pick her up there?”

56

2 guys walk into a bar… which is kinda stupid, since the second guy should’ve ducked.

57

I don’t get it.

58

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

Why are there Marines on Navy ships?

'Cause sheep would be too obvious.

59

Please forgive any repeats, some are worth it, others are because I’m lazy and drunk:

Three nuns walk into a bar. One ducks

A three legged dog walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says ‘Find me the man who shot my paw’.

Where does Napolean keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What kind of shoes does a general wear?
Patton leather.

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
3. A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
If it had four doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.
If I remember in the morning, I’ll post a good joke but takes about ten minutes to type out.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Try the fish.

60

Sofa King What? = So F***ing what?