A blonde and a brunette were talking and the blonde said, I love my boyfriend but he has dandruff.
The brunette said, “Why don’t you give him some Head and Shoulders?”
The blonde thought for a few minutes and asked, “How do you give ‘shoulders’?”
This one is well-known, but still my favorite:
A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings it to him. The panda eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter dead, and starts storming out of the bar. The bartender says, “Hey wait a minute! You just shot my waiter! And you haven’t paid for that sandwich!” He yells back, “I’m a PANDA lady! Look it up!” and he’s gone. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up: “panda. A large Asian bear-like mammal with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Where you keep your buccaneers?
Under your buccanhat
There’s a man who is really poor. He’s lost his job and can’t find a new one. He’s tried to start his own business but it failed. Now he’s sitting on a park bench feeling sorry for himself.
Along comes an old schoolmate who’s done well in life and become really rich. He takes pity on the poor man and invites him over to his mansion for dinner.
That evening the poor man comes over to his mansion and the rich guy shows him around and does a bit of bragging. “See my drapes? They’re pure silk. See those horses in that field? They’re all thoroughbreds. My telephone is solid gold, and my furniture goes back to King Louis the Fourteenth!”
“So what,” the poor guy says, “my furniture goes back to Sears the Fifteenth.”
An elderly man is changing doctors, and his wife goes with him to fill out his personal information.
The nurse asks, “Okay, now I’ll need to know the name of your previous doctor.”
The man thinks for a bit, then says, “I can’t remember. What’s that thing called… plant?”
“Dr. Plant?”
“No, no, it’s a kind of plant. With the sharp things.”
“Sharp things… thorn? Dr. Thorn?”
“No, it’s the kind of plant that has thorns.”
“Vine? Dr. Vine?”
“No, grows on a vine.”
“Flower? Was it Dr. Flower?”
“No, no, a kind of flower.”
The nurse thinks about this for a second. “A kind of flower that has thorns. Rose?”
“That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of our previous doctor?”
How many [insert name of ethnic group/occupation/polital party/etc…] does it take to wallpaper your bathroom?
Well, it depends on how thin you slice them…
Okay… This one is pretty nasty, but it is easily my favorite.
John finally lands his dream job and ends up moving out of state. One Friday, his coworkers invite him out to one of the local bars. John joins them, and almost immediately notices this beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. He goes to talk to her, and much to his surprise, she is overjoyed. The time starts flying by, and soon, he has to go to the bathroom.
As John is in the bathroom, one of his coworkers tells him, “John, I just have to warn you… let you know that that girl you’re talking to is really a man.” John writes this off to jealousy on his friend’s part and continues to talk to the woman.
Finally, the bar is set to close, and the girl asks John to take her for a ride. Of course, John agrees and they begin to leave. However, John forgot his keys at the bar so he runs back to get them. Once there, the bartender says, “Look buddy, I normally don’t meddle in the patron’s business, but I just gotta warn you. That’s a guy you’ve been talking to all night.” John doesn’t say a word and goes back to join the girl.
So, they’re driving around, and she directs him to a nice, secluded area. There they park and things begin to get a little heated. Unfortunately, the idea she’s a man is still in his mind. Suddenly, she breaks off and says, “Before we go any further, I need to go potty.” She disappears in to the darkness and John thinks, “This is my chance to see if it’s a he or a she.”
He comes across her from behind, and in the moonlight can see her silhouette: Nice long legs - spread out a bit - and a huge, pendulus dick hanging between them. John’s mind is filled with rage, hurt, and confusion. So much so, that he doesn’t think about what he’s doing and reaches between her legs and grabs her monsterous cock as hard as he can.
She screams in shock, “Oh my GOD… I didn’t know you were back there!!”
“And I didn’t know you were taking a shit…”
So one day a father is sitting with his young daughters, and the first one pipes up and says, “Daddy, why is my name Rose?”
And the father replies, “well sweetie, when you were a little baby a rose petal landed on your forehead, so me and your mommy decided to name you Rose!”
“Thank you Daddy, that’s a nice story!” she replies.
The second daughter then asks, “okay Daddy, then how did I get named Daisy?”
He dotingly replies, “well when you were in your crib, a pretty white daisy petal fell onto your forehead, so me and your mom decided we should name you Daisy!”
“Wow Daddy, I like that story!” the second daughter replies.
And then the last daughter sticks her head around the corner and inquires, “Baaurrrgggiiiwwee?”
All three speak in unision, “Shut up, Cinderblock.”
A snail runs into a police station and says, “Help! I’ve just been mugged by a turtle.”
The officer on duty asks, “Can you describe this turtle?”
“Gee,” says the snail. “It all happened so fast!”
A guy calls up his doctor and proceeds to tell him that he has an orange penis. The doctor of course tells him to come in immediately. After a thorough examination the doctor is baffled and tells the gentleman that he’ll have to do some more research and consult other doctors to get to the root of the problem. The doc tells the man he’ll call him back with an answer in a few days.
A few days later the doc calls up with the man’s diagnosis : he has a case of orange penile syndrome. It is caused by stress to which the doc suggests taking some time off from work and going on a vacation. The man replies : that he currently isn’t employed.
The doc says the stress could be caused by marriage and offers that the man and his wife seek some counseling for any troubles. The man lets the doc know that he is not married.
Puzzled, the doc assumes that the stress is then caused by financial troubles. The man states that he is an heir to millions and money is definitely no problem.
At his wits end, the doc says you have no job, aren’t married and have no money worries yet something that stresses you out is causing your problem. What may I ask do you do all day?
The man replies generally not much, I usually sit around the house all day, eat cheese puffs and watch porno movies!
(insert rimshot here)
Good one! Welcome to the boards!
Q: What do you have if you’ve got two little green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit’s undivided attention.
Received via chain email, but at least they are clean enough for posting at work:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t
have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said,“I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,“They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An elderly woman walks into a police station, and corners the nearest officer. “Officer,” she says, “I was sexually assaulted” The officer takes out a notepad, and says, “Okay. Tell me exactly what happened” The old lady says, “Well, I was walking down 8th Street, and a man jumped out of the bushes, grabbed me, and pulled me into the bushes with him. He fondled my breasts, then he ripped off my panties, unzipped his jeans, and had his way with me! Oh, it took so long! Ten, maybe 15 minutes. I can’t even remember how long it took!” The officer says, “When exactly did this happen, ma’am” “Three and a half years ago”, she replied. “So, why are you just reporting it now?” “Oh, I’m not reporting it, just reminiscing!”
99 cougars walk into the bar and are having a great time, drinking, carrying on, stuff of that nature. The bartender wonders who’s going to take care of the bill so he asks the lead cougar: “How do you intend on paying?”
The cougar removes his left front paw and sets it on the bar. It is made of a yellow metal which gleams in the neon lights.
The bartender rolls his eyes and says: “Look buddy, we accept cash, checks and credit cards, but we can’t take gold cougar hands”.