I no longer need to play the version of Hearts that comes with Windows, for I can play it no better than I did just moments ago.
I achieved a final score of of Me - 0, each of my opponents - 104. That comes from “shooting the moon” on the first four hands, nailing all my opponents for 26 points each time. Sheer perfection!
So what have you reached the pinnacle of lately?
Well, by many measures, yours truly has recently approached the pinnacle of obstinacy, from the left.
I was in Jamiaca many years ago and there was a bunch of locals fooling around throwing knives into a tree. I was a little drunk and decided to join them. I pulled out my ratchet knife and opened it one handed with a loud “thwack”. I then whipped it behind my back and let loose. I watched, as if in slow motion, as it tumbled towards the tree. It hit, sticking straight out. Not showing my surpise I non-chalantly walked up to tree and removed the knife.
Having established my rep with the local Rastas I never again attempted such a feat.
I’ve, um, pretty consistently gotten a perfect score on the first level of Ms. Pac Man.
What?
I tipe gud.
Monster cookies. Nobody can beat my monster cookies.
When my husband took a bite out of the most recent batch, sat back and closed his eyes, and muttered: “I would buy these”, I realised I had attained perfection.
I no longer need to tweak my recipe. My work is done.
Minesweeper beginner level. Cleared in two seconds.
No, that was totally skill. Really. Honest. No luck there, no siree, Bob!
Mostly video games. I got really good at Q-Bert for a while, and if I practice again I’ll be that good at Super Smash Brothers. Beyond that whatever I do is mostly luck. 
Um. What flavor might these be?
You can send some to me…you know…if you want a second and third opinion…
…i like cookies.
Monster flavour, of course. (These aren’t mine. Mine look better. No, seriously.)
It’s like a chocolate chip cookie base, but with lots of extra goodies (chocolate chunks, butterscotch or peanut butter chips, coconut, M&Ms, nuts, etc). You’d think there could be no way to mess up a monster cookie, but I’ve tried some awful ones where the cookie base was too hard, too mushy, too bland, etc. Getting the right amount of extra goodies in there, as well as having a pretty good balance of flavours is a nice touch, since you don’t want to be over(or under)whelmed by everything that’s going on. It’s a busy little cookie.
Come to think of it, I make a damn good truffle, too. I did get paid for them a while back, then I stopped making them because I was overwhelmed with orders and just couldn’t keep up. Any flavour someone wanted, I’d make them. They looked like something you’d get out of a candy box, but tasted much better. If I may toot my own horn, here. 
I have achieved a score of 18 on Miniputt I after years of failed attempts. (Hole #4 will be the death of me.)
A friend and I talked for years about the possibility of creating a BBQ pie. About a month ago, he did it and called it “the greatest accomplishment of my whole life. Conservative estamates [sic] rate it at the pinnacle of human achievement.” Does that count?
Procrastination.
Well, almost. I had meant to think about making this post for a while longer.
I can make the following soups from scratch with only the recipe in my head:
Split pea with ham
Beef barley and mushroom
Lentils and smoked sausage
New England clam chowder
Pasta fazool
Turkey noodle with vegetables
Chili con carne
I am the King of Soup.
L’zyn’s
Um. I’ll take chocolate chip monster with chocolate chunk monsters in them, please.
is patiently waiting
I can dominate about half the Quake Arena bot levels in “Nightmare” mode. (yes it’s a pretty pathetic claim)
My female birth giver wants to see your recipe for these “monster” cookies. She is intrigued. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I can see her messing them up.
Ah, fuck it. Lemme see what you’ve got, woman.
I’d be proud. Then again, I’m a friggin’ wrecking ball through Legendary mode on Halo2.
I’ve beaten the arcade game Golden Axe without ever losing a point of life.
I’ve beaten Ghouls ‘n’ Ghosts without ever losing a life.
I’ve achieved the secret “you never lost a round” ending on Streetfighter II through Super Streetfighter II Turbo.
I have perfected the art of enjoying long-distance air travel. 23 hours in the air? Plus the hours actually getting to the airport, hanging around the airport, blah blah blah? Bring it on! No problem! I enjoy every minute.
I believe I have also perfected an art that doesn’t have a nifty name, but I’ll call it ‘Leaving things to the last possible minute but actually getting them done’. It’s the perfect, finely-tuned marriage of laziness/procrastination on the one hand with responsibility/efficiency/conscientiousness on the other.
I have almost perfected the art of god-level punctual dependability. In my entire adult life, I’ve been late for something or kept someone waiting about 4 or 5 times max, and always because of a truly formidable, wretched set of multiple just-rotten-luck coincidences that thwarted my ability to be there on time.
In all other respects, my life is the very opposite of perfection and achievement.
