“Canada ?-- I don’t even know what street it’s on.”
— Gangster Al Capone in the 1930s
On this July 1, 2006 I want to take this opportunity to say that Canada is one of the most pathetic and insignificant pieces of shit with an exagerated idea of its own worth and importance in the world.
That saddest part is that it has no idea what an insignificant and irrelevent lot of nothing it is.
Take my opening comment for example. I’ll bet you that 90% of my American or other readers have no idea of the significance of this date without googling it. Be honest now! And why SHOULD you care?
Half the world thinks we are some sort of northern territory of the US (which is not far off the mark) and the other half thinks we are a British Colony that the Queeen of England runs from Buckingham Palace before breakfast.
Like some kind of small-town picuyune yokels we take great pride in the fact that John Candy, Dan Ackroyd, John Carey, Cirque du Soleil, Rich Little, Glen Ford, Mary Pickford, George Naismith (the inventor of Basketball), Keefer Sutherland, Celine Dion, Eric McCormack (of Will and Grace) Paul Anka, Ken Galbraith and countless others are or were Canadians. We do not see the irony that these people have left Canada and gone to the US to achieve success. Like small-town hicks who put up a big cut-out on the road into town of the only successful person ever to come out of their miserable berg , we gleefully say that these people are Canadians when in fact they have probably forgotten Canada even exists, are relieved to be out of it, and think it will be too soon if theu ever see it again.
If a US President of even CNN mentions us, even in passing, we gleefully run it in our newspapers as if were a news story by itself, like little kids delighted at getting some attention from grown-ups.
Bill Clinton came to Canada a few years ago. After extensive discussions, he and the Prime Minister held a news conference in Ottawa (gee why didn’t they hold it in Toronto, the capital of Canada, I can hear you asking). The American media present completely ignored the Canadian-US announcement and proceeded to ask about 500 questions about Monica Lewinsky and the shot-spots on their dress. Every now and then, the Canadian media cameras picked up a shot of an American with a puzzled look, staring out the window and thinking “Oh, I guess we’re in Canada. I thought there was lot of snow out there for Washington!”
Ask Canadians what the motto of the RCMP is and 99% will tell you it is “We get our man.” It is not and never has been. It is “Maintiens le droit” (uphold the (rule of) law). So why do Canadains universally think it is “We get our man?” Because some writer in Hollywood told them that in a movie. How pathetic can you get.? Our most famous institution and we let some writer sitting under a plam tree in Hollywood tell us what its motto is! Do you need any more proof we are a boil on the ass of America?
We have a movie industry but it is a laugh. 90% of what Canadians watch in a week is American movies. Ditto our TV.
We get insulted if people in America or Britain or Australia don’t know the difference between Ontario and Toronto. Or if they can’t name more than one Canadian City, or have no idea what the national Capital is. Well, wake up, you stunned Canucks! There is NO REASON they would need or want to know that. Any more than I need or want to know the name of the main street in a little village a short drive from the city I live in.
Wake up, Canda, recognize your own insignificance in the scheme of things, and maybe you will not be happier, but at least you will stop making fools of yourselves.
