No greater glory could be been bestowed upon my person than was done last evening.
Since we’re still busily unpacking at the new house, cooking dinner is a logistical trick. Therefore, dinner has mostly been fast foot takeout for the past two weeks. Last night was Burger King – a double cheeseburger apeice, and a large onion rings to share.
After we polished off the burgers, I reached into the bag to grab the o-rings, and there it was, gleaming in all its fabled majesty: The Infinite Onion Ring!
Now, it seems obvious to be that this must be an astoundingly powerful artifact. Trouble is, it’s secrets are very well kept (I’m guessing the Illuminati, or possibly the Stonecutters). So now I turn to you, oh wise Dopers – what mystical forces do I now have in my control, now that I possess The Infinate Onion Ring?
Aye, but it will be a long a perilous journey; fraught with dangers of Pimple faces teens with whiteheads preparing to erupt and the dark and evil screaming kids from Heck. Most worrisome will be the high cholesterol that shall haunt you for life as the Infinite Onion Ring causes your craving for ever more greasy fast food.
It is said that he possesses the ability to appear at any place, at any time (though he favors your very own BEDROOM! :eek: ) to ambush you with towers of meat and cheese that doth daunt the most doughty adventurer!
Hate to break the news, but you’re holding it wrong. The onion ring’s actually a sideways “8”.
That means something, but it’s hard to say what. Maybe it’s predicting that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will win the Brickyard 400. Maybe it’s suggesting you should watch Eight Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter more often. Or maybe, it’s a sign of transition – after all, had you consumed the onion ring as normal, it would become “Ate”.
Ring up the mayor of Algona, IA, and tell him you’ve got something that will benefit the town even more than his damned cheeto. I’ll bet he’ll pay big bucks for such an oniony, batter-fried artifact.
The BK is gifted with many powers. He can turn his own face into a frozen mask of plastic. He can even turn bacon from a meat into a non-meat, as in the following press release:
I hate to break it to you, but the Wyld Hanllyns got one of those when they took an 80 mile round trip dinner break in the middle of an elimination leg on Treasure Hunters. So it’s not unique, and the other one known to exist is in the hands of dumbasses.
Don’t tell this to DiosaBellissima or Amazon Floozy Goddess. They’ll flip a nut and strangle the nearest person at the mention of the King appearing in their bedrooms without warning.
Although they DO like to call me “The Man” when I enter their bedrooms…
