Thanks to the fresh, new and exciting taste of Diet Pepsi, Jazz, Black Cherry & French Vanilla, and for a limited time only, I will be tossing salads like a mother fuck just so I can get the taste of this rancid chipmunk spunk out of my mouth.
With a hook like, “Indulge your senses.” on the label I was certain that I had found a new favorite among the already shitty diet soda catalog out there, but what I didn’t expect was that the only senses getting indulged were Rallo’s, the recent parolee who is more hung than a three-balled Himalayan yak and has a nasty habit of jammimg a flaming oil rag in my mouth and packing it down with a vigorous Fight Club face-fucking!
And just what is contained within the swollen root-shaped plastic mcnasty bottle that can be used to fuck-start you when you black out from sampling this anal seepage?
Let’s see: Carbonated waste water from a slaughter house septic tank, caramel color, natural & artificial flavors (extract of ass & burnt baby doll hair), phosphoric acid, ass-partame, potassium benzoate (maintains bile-like aftertaste), citric acid, potassium citrate, caffeine, acesulfame potassium (never heard of that one before, but I bet a plug nickel that it assists in rounding out the rotten haggis flavor that sits in the back of your throat for about 3 hours after you partake in this carbonated abortion), and the screaming souls of a thousand dead children.
“For comments or questions,” the label informs me, “Call 1-800-433-xxxx”. Oh, you bet your fur I got questions, I got questions like Van Camp’s got beans! Like how in the fucking fuck did you get a Johnny Cash song in a bottle? and did your marketing designers do enough R&D to catch on to the fact that if you whack yourself in the nuts with a stapler while partaking in this taste bud holocaust it actually minimizes the sensation of your tongue being gang raped? I got lock jaw and night vision after drinking this shit!
So back your asses right the hell up and “Indulge your senses” as I work your sphincter like fucking Zamfir on Desoxyn and a double shot espresso. Whatever the fuck it takes to get the taste of Pepsi’s new “Can’t-get-it-off-my-mind-or-the-back-of-my-fucking-throat” savory, septic, dog shit delight!
