Minutes of the first meeting of the Cotswold Revolutionary Committee
Venue: A public house ‘somewhere in the Cotswolds’
Date: 10 September 2006 (or day one of the first year of Chezov)
Time: 22.00 hours
Attendees: Chezov, Davidov, Krisov, Dickov
Item 1: Purpose of meeting.
It was generally agreed that democracy in the Cotswolds wasn’t working. Other forms of government were discussed. Eventually the Committee settled on Totalitarianism because Chezov had once seen a documentary about Totalitarianism and thought the system had a lot of potential.
Item 2: Election of Politburo members.
Dickov elected himself General Secretary of the CRC but shortly afterwards was deposed in a coup when he went to the toilet.
Chezov was appointed Gen. Sec. after outlining his credentials in the fields of oppression, cruelty and mercilessness. His dedication to the ‘Cult of the Personality’ (as long as the personality is Chezov’s) was also a factor in his rapid rise to unfettered power.
Davidov was appointed Foreign Minister and Krisov Head of State Security. Dickov was expelled from the party and sent to the Gulag for 5 years for anti-revolutionary activities.
Item 3: Aims of the CRC.
a) To overthrow the ruling Cotswold District Council.
ii) To establish a totalitarian state in its place.
- To purge the Cotswolds of counter-revolutionaries and political enemies.
d) To ban men with white legs from wearing shorts.
- To provide free beer to the Politburo.
At this point Davidov pointed out that it was Chezov’s turn to buy a round of drinks. Chezov reminded Davidov that buying rounds was a concept originated by the hated bourgeoisie and questioned Davidov’s commitment to the revolutionary cause.
Davidov bought his own beer but failed to buy one for Chezov. Davidov was expelled from the party and sent to the Gulag for 5 years for anti-revolutionary
activities and innate stinginess.
Item 4: State Security.
Krisov was charged with the responsibility of expanding the Gulag by commandeering more disused bus shelters and garden sheds. Krisov said he would attend to the matter next Saturday after taking the wife (Krisova) shopping.
Chezov asked Krisov why the hell Krisova couldn’t do her own shopping. Krisov replied that Krisova was an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction. Krisov was expelled from the party and sent to the Gulag for 5 years for dissent and failing to educate Krisova in the area of motorised directional functionality.
Item 5: Election of Politburo members (again).
Discussion postponed until next meeting.
Item 6: Attitude of Pub Landlord to the CRC.
Chezov asked the landlord for another beer. The landlord pointed out that he wished to go to bed and asked Chezov if he had a home to go to, and reminded him that Chezova was waiting outside in the car to take him there.
Chezov questioned the landlord’s commitment to the revolution and called him a capitalist pig. The landlord escorted Chezov from the premises.
Item 7: Attitude of Chezova to the CRC.
Chezova asked Chezov where the fuck he had been because she had been waiting for 15 minutes and had better things to do than pick up drunken revolutionaries from the pub. Chezov questioned Chezova’s commitment to the revolution and gave her a final warning about her dissident political views.
Chezova kicked Chezov out of the car and drove off, leaving Chezov to walk 3 miles home.
Item 8: Any Other Business.
Chezov decided to demonstrate political acuity by recalling Davidov, Krisov and Dickov from the Gulag and fully rehabilitating them into the revolutionary movement. This astute decision was made to overcome current staff shortages in the Politburo.
Date of next meeting:
Day eight of the first year of Chezov.
Distribution list:
Chezov, Davidov, Krisov, Dickov, Krisova, Chezova, Pub Landlord, SDMB.
If any reader has experience of fomenting unrest and ‘hands-on’ revolutionary management skills please advise Chezov accordingly. He wishes to refine previous revolutionary models in order to avoid the embarrassment of having his totalitarian state collapse in disarray because of lax security and the rise to power of men in shorts.
No reactionaries please. And no capitalist swine either.
Thank you.