Straight Dope Armed Insurrection Thread

The BBQ Pit
1

This place has got a lot of rules.

It’s got a lot of rules and regulations.

Well let me tell you Mr. Rules and regulations, there comes a time when in the course of human affairs it becomes incumbent upon the people to take matters in their own hands and cast off the ties that bind.

I’m gonna start an armed insurrection.

One of the most cherished rights endowed unot a human being is the right to self-expression, the right to be whoever they are. SDMB authoritarianism seeks to remove this vital human right, and says that you and I can’t be who we really are.

Well Mr. Rules and regulations, it’s time to face facts. I can’t control who I am anymore than I can control the color of my skin or the immense size of my trouser snake.

I am a jerk, and you, reader, take a self-reflective moment and do a quick asessment.

You’re a jerk, too, aren’t you?

Oh, you may be in denial, or you may have had your jerkitude repressed by self-and society, but face it, deep down, at heart, don’t you long to set free your inner self and become the jerk of your dreams?

Oh, and like what’s the deal with the fascist forum names? Nobody ever looks at any of these threads after they’re a month old or so. What’s the point?

It’s to get you to comply, Maaaan. It’s to keep you down, and get you used to doing their bidding. It’s also so they can keep things segmented and categorized for their own fascist needs and references and hold it against you later on.

Before the man showed up to repress us, and deny us our self expression the Straight Dope used to mean something. You could come here and be free, and if you wanted to post a rant in GQ, nobody’d stop you.

You don’t see the ancient cave paintings moderated by the thought police to keep us in line, do you?

You don’t see it all divided up and segmented with all the bisons on the left, all the hunters in the middle and all the hand prints on the right, do you?

No, man. They just sat back and let if flow, let it be.

So come on in. Check in and have some punch and pie. We’ll be handing out the weapons shortly.

2

Can I have a howitzer? Or a minigun?

3

I’d like a Mk 19 chaingun please…long-range grenade machineguns are sooooo cool…

4

It’s all so, so, crypto-fascist!!

5

Man, what a jerk.

Esprix

6

This whole “don’t be a jerk” thing is especially ironic, given armed revolt, when you consider the fact that the rule in its present form arose only from a garbled transmission of the original rule:

Squeeze, don’t jerk, the trigger!

Six people down the telephone line, and it became:

Bees don’t jerk a liquor!

Twelve people down the line:

Don’t bees a jerk, mister!

And by the time it reached the current Mr. Rules and regulations, an eminently practical piece of firearms-handling advice had been mangled into, finally, don’t be a jerk.

It’s sorta sad, but what can you do?

For the insurrection, I’d like something intensely impractical, like a fully-automatic gas-powered crossbow that fires sawblades instead of bolts. Will that be a problem?

7

Armed insurrection you say? It sounds like we need some counterstrike here.

8

Er, an armed insurrection where they’re serving punch and pie? Or is that secret counter-insurgency code for something?

I missed the Sixties–I was too busy riding horses. Che was the guy in the beret, right?

9

Drastic:

No, I didn’t know that. It’s so obvious, I can’t beleive I didn’t see it, but now that I hear you tell it, it must be true. It fits so perfectly.

Yeah, I think we’ll have a big gun for you.
Esprix:

I knew you’d be one of the first to stand with us on this. :wink:

10

Offering punch and pie is the most effective known way of getting people to join you. People who have nothing to do with the topic will show up just to say:

“I understood there would be punch and pie.”

Now that Scylla knows the secret, there’s only one thing the evil Moderator Cabal can use against him:

Operation Free Strippers

–John

11

You say you’ve got a real solution? Well, you know, we’d all love to see the plan.

12

Well, seeing as how I already have one big gun, I think a few more wouldn’t hurt.

:smiley:

I think this armed insurrection should have at least one Montanan. After all, if you don’t know how to send high explosives and neo-Luddite screeds through the mails, what kind of revolutionary are you?

  • Derleth, who waits for the day he has an 8*10 shack with a satellite modem.

(And a Beowulf cluster in the cellar. :D)

13

I want a potato gun.
Think about it. I could get on any public aircraft with this:

PVC.
Potato.
Aquanet.
Zippo Lighter.
I am an urban terrorist. Watch out for my Flaming Taters of Death.[sup]TM[/sup]

14

well, if we do have an armed insurrection, i can certainly handle the whole “general senseless destruction” bit.

however, i will need a few things.
i want a M-92 hand-portable explosives launcher, and some specialty ammo for it;
a few linear-discharge birdshot rounds,
lots of radial-discharge birdshot shells,
some linear-discharge shrapnel rounds,
some radial-discharge shrapnel shells,
a goodly number of FAMI shells,
some ballistic-cast fletchette rounds,
plenty linear-cast fletchette rounds,
a fair amount of concussion grenades retrofitted to the launcher,
a couple fragmentation grenades retrofitted to the launcher,
and plenty of magnesium bomb shells.

some smoke grenades for the launcher would be nice, but i don’t need it.

give me that, and i can be your one-man all-purpose artillery.
<stylized attack on, say, cs_house>
i’m sitting in saftey behind the hedge.
boom! off goes a magnesium round into their foyer, to blind the defenders. i launch some radial birdshot rounds in the lower windows to cause trouble before i start popping concussion grenades through the upper windows, hopefully blasting shit apart.
when all our guys are spread inside enough that i should be more restrained with my attacks, i use some linear fletchettes on anyone who goes to the windows or balcony.

if there are snipers on the roof, i pepper the top with ballistic fletchettes and shrapnel.

ohh baby. cs_house is ours.

15

We need Qadgop on board. That guy has a 2.5kg tub of Vegemite which we can use against our oppressors. I’ll provide the Vegemite weapons and safe handling training.

We also need some experienced leftist slogan writers:
SMASH THE TOWERING RAMPARTS OF THE BOURGEOIS MODERATORSHIP!
TOPPLE THE EVIL SDMB FASCISTS!
That kinda thing.

Er…we’re socialists, right? Or are we an anarcho-syndicalist collective?
[sub]So, when do we sell out our ideals and become mods?[/sub]

16

…We’re making a list and checking it twice,
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice-
Lynn Bodoni’s coming to town.
She sees you when you’re trolling
She knows if you’re a sock
And if you don’t put down those pitchforks
You’re gonna need a doc
So you better not cry and you better not whine
You better hush up and and just tow the line
Lynn Bodoni’s coming to Toooowwwwn! :slight_smile:

17

[Fight Club]
One could make all kinds of explosives from everyday household items, if one were so inclined.
[/Fight Club]

18

I honestly don’t know if that’s funny or creepy.

19

As every armed insurrection must have its initial intentions perverted by megalomaniacal psychotics for whom insurrection is an end unto itself, I humbly volunteer my services. I’ll just need a copy of whatever manifesto you plan on using (to thump while prosyletizing in GQ, of course), a few clueless and inappropriate martyrs (anyone recently banned?), and one of those nifty Pancho Villa type bandoliers.

Comrade Trucido

20

Count me in. I’m qualified on standard Army infantry weapons, TOW missiles, and I’ve handled some decontamination duties.

Whatever ya got.

Oh, and I’ll need a good helmet.