Well, after years of small problems, and months of serious problems, it’s over.
A couple of weeks ago I posted this in IMHO asking if anybody has saved their marriage through counseling. Some of you were astoundingly able to remember this thread from four years ago where I was complaining about her overspending habits I mention in the above thread. Finally, after she spent two nights with the kids (needlessly, IMO) out of the house, I had a semi-breakdown that seems to mark the end of it.
The day after my breakdown, I was going through email and found a weeks-old email in the deleted items folder where she told somebody that she was “separating soon”. It was news to me. I held onto that and kept an eye on the folder. Apparently she was deleting email from the “Sent Items” folder in order to hide her messages. She forgot that they ended up in the Deleted folder. I watched this folder for a couple days and saw where she was replying to online personal ads on Craig’s List. In these two replies she said she was already separated and living independently.
I was just crushed. I already suspected that she didn’t really want to save the marriage. Four weeks of counseling didn’t change her behaviors at all. This, however, was hard proof of her intentions, I thought.
I didn’t want to tell her what I had found. I thought the situation would rapidly spiral out of control. I resolved to talk with her when she and I had our next counseling session. I thought that having the counselor there would act as some sort of control mechanism.
So, Thursday I told her what I had found. First I revealed that I knew that three weeks back she had told somebody that she was separating soon. She said that she was feeling uncertain that day and it was a momentary thing. Earlier that day she found where I had forwarded that email to my workplace for safe storage. I figured I might need it in a custody battle (and I wasn’t any better at covering my own tracks). She was prepared for this revelation from me.
After that, I said, “Well, OK, then… what about these?” and I showed her the two emails in response to the personal ads. She was angry and grabbed them from me. Yes, I took some secret joy in catching her off-guard, but it was a bitter joy. She claims that she wasn’t having an affair and I said that was true but she was *trying *to have one.
So, after tears and accusations, we decided in front of the counselor to separate. She’s sleeping with my daughter in her room (bunk bed) and I’ve got the master bedroom. We’re going to stay together until she gets a full time job and then go different ways. We agreed that we wouldn’t date until we’re really apart - I feel it would confuse the kids if they found out.
We’ve actually had a pretty good week since then. I was finding myself hoping we might yet reconcile. Our 11th anniversary is two weeks away, I was going to romance her and see if I could get her considering giving it one more try.
Of course, typical of her I-want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it attitude, she’s already gone out with “Vince”. She told me she was going out with her girlfriend that evening. Another lie. She doesn’t know I know and I guess I’m not going to tell her. If we’re separating, there’s nothing further to be talked about.
I’ve given up. I’ve got this permanent knot in my chest. I feel like like somebody close to me has died. I’m not sure if I’m grieving for her or for the loss of this dream of mine; the dream of being married, raising kids together, & growing old with somebody.
Part of me is saying that I should buck up - she’s the one who wants out of the relationship and it’s not my fault. I hear that, I understand that, I also just can’t make myself believe it somehow. Not now anyway.
I was on match.com last night reading personals. Just window shopping, see if the waters would welcome me. I’m not very sure that there’s much out there for a 41-year old, overweight man with three kids. I’m worried that I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. I don’t do well with “alone”. Not my nature.
I just feel so damn weak right now.