The 2006 Rat's Ass Awards

[Jackmannii]

Each year, our diligent news media sniffs out a bunch of hot-button issues about which we are supposed to feel great concern. Some are worthy of attention. In many cases, however, I find that despite the intensity of coverage, I do not give a rat's ass.

Of course, leading contenders for the Rat's Ass Awards in any given year are features about celebrities. In general, I am singularly uninterested in who has gotten pregnant, who might become pregnant, who has eaten so much that they look as if they are pregnant, who has delivered, by what exotic means they accomplished this wonder of nature and what the end result was. Additionally I do not give a rat's ass who has adopted a baby, even if the adoption involves the entire population of a small African nation by fair means or foul. There are many other celebrity categories of course, including clothing in good or bad taste and which may permit the unintended exposure of certain body parts, but infants have been especially big this year.
I have deliberately omitted mentioning specific celebrities, but note that if there were all-time Rats Ass Points Standings (NASCAR-style) for celebs, Madonna, Reba McIntyre and Angelina Jolie would be duking it out for the lead with Tom Cruise motoring rapidly up the pack.

Other stuff: my leading contender for totally insignificant crisis of 2006 would be the Tragic Underrepresentation of Males on America's College Campuses. It really does not seem like a major problem if women study harder, get better grades and outnumber men in college. In fact I regret that the trend did not begin sooner (part of my disgruntlement with this issue stems from the fact that I am still having trouble dislodging the lyrics to Jan and Dean's "Surf City" from my brain).

Another biggie stems from the hoopla over the World Cup. Every few years, it seems, lots of countries put on their shorts and battle for soccer supremacy, under the delusion that they are playing "football". Awhile back the U.S. didn't lose too badly so there were high hopes for this year. Unfortunately we reverted to form and stank up the joint, losing twice and gaining a tie with Liechtenstein thanks to their only being able to field eight players, two of them over the age of 60. We were supposed to feel deeply aghast about that despite the fact that it was full tilt into baseball season. Plus, we were expected to feel guilty about not being more inflamed about something the rest of the world was apparently giddy over, in spite of the fact the world is oblivious to our major sports fests (as a famous Texas college football coach once pointed out to his players before a pivotal game, "A billion Chinese don't give a shit.").

I could list many more issues of faux deep concern, including the continuing War on Christmas, the desperate struggle of French-speaking people everywhere to maintain their culture in the face of Anglophone intrusions etc. etc. But I will be happy to entertain your nominations for the 2006 Rat's Ass Awards.

Of course, if your unconcern, detachment, boredom, ennui, impassivity, phlegm and languor are such that you do not give a rat's ass about this thread, that is entirely understandable and in keeping with the theme. Thank you.

[Ignatz]

Any news release or report that states "Researchers at W. Fumbuck U have found that the food item XXXXXXX MAY decrease bone fragility/cholesterol/heart disease/cancer/warts/etc. I suspect that "they" have all bought stock in such product's manufacturer just before the press release and that the "may" could be changed to "may not" with equal veracity.

[Syntropy]

The adoption practices and love lives of Madonna and Angelina Jolie.
Really, people, I could not care less if they decided to live in a hut in the bush and adopt every starving child in Africa. SO WHAT? Let 'em! They can afford it. Do I really need to know about it? Do I care if they want to circumcize or not? I don't think so.

In 50 thousand years, a meteor may or may not crash into the Earth, destroying all life.
Big fat hairy deal. Global warming will beat it to the punch, and that's happening now. Let's focus, hm?

[ElvisL1ves]

Britney Spears, her failed marriages, her spawn, her very existence.

Michael Jackson, in all aspects.

[Billdo]

May I nominate the weather. More specifically the fact that any time that there is a prediction of more than 1/4" of precipitation or 25 mph of wind, the local news goes absolutely bugshit with dire warnings of flooding not seen since the time of Noah.

[Paul in Qatar]

English teachers who did (not) kill Jon Bennet Ramsey. Catch the guy, try him, wake me for the execution. Otherwise I have no interest in this.

[pantom]

What Billdo said.
Every storm isn't another Katrina or Rita or that freakin' Perfect Storm or, or, or... something.
I like weather records, I like weird and unusual weather, but a summer thunderstorm with a little hail isn't. (They are fun though.)

[Chefguy]

The local news coverage and adoration of the local military units. Their comings and goings are of no interest to me, and committing half of every newscast to fawning over them is annoying. I just wish the whole fucking thing was over.

I don't give a rat's ass about Jesus in a taco, the virgin in a sandwich, allah in an eggplant, or the words of the profit in a tomato. It's all so unbelievably, stupefyingly insane, yet I can't look away.

I don't give a rodent's hienie about anything GW Bush or any other politician has to say at this point. They're all liars of the first order.

All evangelists must hang.

[Cisco]

I still don't care what the runaway bride or Eric Peterson are doing - but somehow they're [occasionally] still news!

[5que]

(Regional edition)

I don't care that the Chicago Bears are in the playoffs. I don't care that Sunday's game got moved to night, even though oh my OG! it's New Years Eve. I don't care that season ticket holders might have to either miss the game or miss their parties. This is not news. Put it in the sports segment if you want, but it's not a fucking lead story.

(Global edition)

I don't give a rat's ass about any celebrities, who they are feuding with, who they are sleeping with, who they are adopting, or what their vaginas look like.

[Cisco]

Originally Posted by 5que

I don't give a rat's ass about any celebrities, who they are feuding with, who they are sleeping with, who they are adopting, or what their vaginas look like.

I'm right there with you up until the vagina part

[BrainGlutton]

Those damned zombies. How many times do we have to hear about how much faster they are than the old models?! Principle remains the same: Put a bullet through the head and forget about it!

[Pullet]

Pullet's Choice for 2006 Rat's Ass Award: Anyone who has a litter of children in one pregnancy (septuplets, for example)

Congratulations. Your insistance on baring your own children instead of adopting has helped advance the science of fertility therapy. But then, not content to rest on your laurels, you refused to reduce your embryonic litter to a more managable number, like 3. No. Gambling the life-long health of yourself and all the embryos seemed like a smarter idea to you. And now, you get applause and money and free baby stuff from total strangers.

If your reproductive problem takes more than 30 minutes of a doctor's time to correct, then you just weren't ment to have kids. Sorry. There is a nice starving infant in Honduras who would love to come live with you.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Sports and celebrities top my list. At the very top, of course, are sports celebrities. I have been unable to avoid the news that people are excited about some new player in the Dallas Cowboys. This does not affect my life in any way, nor do I want to know about it. Still, various sports news articles are constantly put on the front page, above the fold. It's NOT ENOUGH, apparently, that the Dallas Morning news has two, count 'em, TWO sports sections, the sports news has to go on the FRONT PAGE, too.

I am unable to fathom the reasoning behind sending out a news reporter to tell us all that he's standing in a thunderstorm, hurricane, blizzard, whatever. We can see that. I always wonder why it's necessary for him (and it's almost always a male) to be out IN the weather, telling us all how horrific it is. I'd much prefer that he stay inside, tell us the facts, anything we need to be aware of (freeze warning, hurricane alert, flood warning, etc.), and get on to more interesting news.

I have negative interest in which celebrity is seeing which other celebrity. Or noncelebrity.

[Pine Fresh Scent]

Speaking of zombies...I nominate Nicole Richie and the other anorexic socialites shoved down our throats (pardon the pun) by Entertainment Tonight.

"Caught on tape - Nicole Richie eats a hamburger!" No, I'm not making this up. I think the real scoop would be confirming she kept it down (ewwww). It's only a matter of time before they go THAT far - I'm betting September 17th, 2007.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Originally Posted by Pullet

Pullet's Choice for 2006 Rat's Ass Award: Anyone who has a litter of children in one pregnancy (septuplets, for example)

I note that they decided not to have selective reduction of the fetuses, preferring to leave it in God's hands. I wonder why they didn't decide to leave the conception in God's hands to begin with.

[Pullet]

Originally Posted by Lynn Bodoni

I note that they decided not to have selective reduction of the fetuses, preferring to leave it in God's hands. I wonder why they didn't decide to leave the conception in God's hands to begin with.

And now I'm sure they're saying that it's just their cross to bear that two of their children have cerebral palsey. Just happened. So sad. Not remotely their fault at all.

And this warrents repetition:

I am unable to fathom the reasoning behind sending out a news reporter to tell us all that he's standing in a thunderstorm, hurricane, blizzard, whatever.

We're all just fine with pictures of the storm turning cars over shot via satellite. You don't even have to torture a camera guy. Stop it.

[rjung]

I'll toss out the "John Kerry insults the troops with a botched joke" meme, simply because (1) it was so obviously an artificial attempt by the powers that be to get everyone riled up against Dem Evul Liburals, and (2) Kerry demonstrated his mealy-mouth (lack of) oratory skills by trying to talk his way out of it.

[Max Torque]

Originally Posted by Billdo

May I nominate the weather. More specifically the fact that any time that there is a prediction of more than 1/4" of precipitation or 25 mph of wind, the local news goes absolutely bugshit with dire warnings of flooding not seen since the time of Noah.

Seconded, thirded, whatever, with a "HELL yeah" to boot. All the TV stations hereabouts go absolutely apeshit whenever a cloud enters the area. "SEVERE WEATHER WARNING! We're tracking this cloud with our Super Doppler HD3 System, requiring the cooperation of several media outlets spanning 500 miles! Please watch! I have nothing else in my life!" Christ, one of the stations here even promotes, during the news mind you, these goofy weather warning radios you can buy ("Worth $70, but we've got a special deal on them for just $30!" For a radio that just does weather?!), and a "StormCall" deal where they'll actually call your phone to tell you about approaching storms. And here I thought I could just look at the sky. What a deluded fool I've been.

I seem to recall that, back in Ye Olde Dayze, it used to rain, and we got wet, and we got the fuck over it. We didn't need 90 minutes' warning about it, and we didn't need a little weather map covering a quarter of the TV screen when we're just staying home anyway.

Weather people: you can't be reliable beyond three days, no matter how hard you try. Stop fooling yourselves, and get real jobs.

[elucidator]

Gerald R. Ford. Just for today, I guess, but 16 continuous hours to show why no one will ever write a biography of Gerald Ford. If he were a sandwhich, it would be American cheese on white with mayo.

[tomndebb]

. . . but note that if there were all-time Rats Ass Points Standings (NASCAR-style) for celebs, Madonna, Reba McIntyre and Angelina Jolie would be duking it out for the lead with Tom Cruise motoring rapidly up the pack.

I guess I don't watch enough TV or read enough tabloids (even in the grocery line). I know that Madonna has been promoting herself for better than a quarter century and I have noticed that Angelina seems to be the top face on the grocery news racks, but what has Reba been up to? I did not even realize that she still existed (aside from some odd TV show I keep stumbling across my daughter watching).

[Nava]

99% of what politicians do. There is only one political issue that I give a rat's behind about (Basque-Navarrese politics) and I try to avoid thinking about it because it gives me gas and a serious urge to treat Zapatero like Iñigo Montoya would have liked to treat the six-fingered man...

Weather reports giving % probabilities. I'm old fashioned, can we just go back to "sunny in the morning, it may rain in the afternoon"? Thank you!

People who are famous because they are famous.

[Dung Beetle]

Originally Posted by Lynn Bodoni

Sports and celebrities top my list. At the very top, of course, are sports celebrities.

Well, hell, Lynn took mine. Let's see...how about trends and/or fashions? I don't care about those.

[BobLibDem]

Originally Posted by elucidator

Gerald R. Ford. Just for today, I guess, but 16 continuous hours to show why no one will ever write a biography of Gerald Ford. If he were a sandwhich, it would be American cheese on white with mayo.

Yeah, but at the time the country needed American cheese on white with mayo. It had just vomited a submarine sandwich with pickles, bologna, and whipped cream.

I nominate Kwanzaa. It exists to give local news something politically correct to air in the slow week between Christmas and New Years. What did they spend coming up with the themes- 15 minutes tops? "uhhh- UNITY. That's a good one.......How about .....uhhhh.....COOPERATIVE ECONOMICS" "Huh?" "Hey, come on, it's getting late and we need seven candles."

[Jackmannii]

Originally Posted by tomndebb

I guess I don't watch enough TV or read enough tabloids (even in the grocery line). I know that Madonna has been promoting herself for better than a quarter century and I have noticed that Angelina seems to be the top face on the grocery news racks, but what has Reba been up to?

With Reba it is mostly Lifetime Overexposure Points, though I still see her occasionally on magazine and tabloid covers.

Speaking of tabloids, I probably should have mentioned Bigfoot, who remains Rat's Ass champion among imaginary monsters. Mrs. J. put a copy of Weekly World News in my Xmas stocking - the issue featuring the "Bigfoot Diet". Dunno yet what Bigfoot did to lose all that weight (Special K? Cutting back on hunters?) but apparently he can now find his size at Bob's Big Tall and Hairy.

[Polycarp]

Anna Nicole Smith. Her evident claim to fame (and I admit to following her story only when I cannot avoid it) is that she is blonde, has big boobs, and an apparent inability to distinguish between real life and a plot summary of events on The Guiding Light.

College coaches who may or may not be replaced, but whose fate appears to matter more than the war in Iraq, the AIDS pandemic in Africa, and major disasters -- and who will, whether fired or not, get an annual salary higher than the budget for the entire Division of Natural Sciences.

"Investigative reporters" who believe that everything is a coverup of nefarious activities. The severely ill Deputy Secretary and the 19-year-old temp. covering his office who together managed to fuck up and send out an unsigned contract were not committing fraud -- people do make honest mistakes. There's an old proverb: "Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."

While we're on the subject of news stories, how about the sort of commentator who ties everything to the next election -- even the (non-political) lead story the day after the last one. They are nearly as bad as the spin doctors. Nearly.

We actually do get decent weather coverage here, with breakins for damaging-winds type stories (thanks, I prefer a little forewarning if a possible tornado might develop and head this way!) and solid coverage of potential hurricanes and the relative likelihood they'll hit us, but not the Chicken Little sort of coverage Max reports from Lubbock.

[ElvisL1ves]

Is that girl in Aruba still missing? Can somebody tune in MSNBC for me and find out?

[Jackmannii]

A potential award-winner in the area of Health News is First Lady Laura Bush's skin cancer. Now, a kazillion pissant lesions like these get lopped off every year, but because the White House didn't issue a press release and parade Laura out for before and after photos, we've got the post-Watergatian dementos muttering about coverups (abcnews.com also gets a prize for referring to the lesion as a "cancerous mole", which it wasn't - those are melanomas, not squamous cell carcinoma which is what Laura Bush had).

I for one do not need to hear breathless coverage about every skin ditzel that is removed from the Prez or one of his family members.

"Sources today revealed that Presidential Daughter Jenna Bush is being treated for a large gloppy wart on her big toe. Applications of Compound W have so far controlled the lesion, caused by a Contagious Virus. Rumors of a CDC containment team being called in are being denied. Meanwhile health advocates are criticizing the Bush family for not sending Jenna on tour to lecture young people about the dangers of warts. Exclusive photos of the wart here (caution - image may be disturbing)."

[Chefguy]

I don't give a royal rat's ass about the local news. I don't understand why they feel the need to have a half hour of local news at five, then a full hour at six. The stories are the same; they just speak more slowly and we are treated to TWO segments of sports and weather, both of which have the same information. They insist on doing that phony "ask the reporter a scripted question about the story in an attempt to show that we are really reporters instead of newsreaders" bullshit. It makes me crazy. "So John, can you tell us if the police wear badges with their uniforms?" "Why yes, Melvin, they feel it makes them look more like cops; back to you and Janie." And it's done after every single fucking story.

[D_Odds]

Back in late winter/early spring 2006, reports that the U.S. was due - nay, overdue - for a hurricane season of record proportions filled the news channels. Every NY station warned that this was the year NYC got its Katrina. Papers showed us maps of the flood plains and dire predictions of all of Queens, Brooklyn and lower Manhattan being returned to swampland. We should have boarded up our home in March, and stocked the attic with enough supplies to last through 6 months of life on a flood plain.

Local news was envious that someone else got a tragedy and took coverage away from NYC. Very, very sad.

[cards]

Nobody has brought up Paris Hilton yet?!?!

[5que]

Originally Posted by Cisco

I'm right there with you up until the vagina part

Okay, you caught me. I did look, once or twice.

[5que]

Originally Posted by cards

Nobody has brought up Paris Hilton yet?!?!

I thought that was implied in my vaginas statement.

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

Originally Posted by cards

Nobody has brought up Paris Hilton yet?!?!

Sssh! Where dare not speak its name!

[Clothahump]

I gotta chime in on the sports and celebrities crew.

But I also don't give a rat's ass about what the poverty pimps like Jesse Jackson and Quannel X say or do. STFU. If the TV folks would quit herniating themselves to get a camera in front of them, they would just dry up and blow away.

[PunditLisa]

Count me in among the millions of Americans who wouldn't give a rat's ass if Miss USA performed analingus on a donkey. I know prettier girls with more talent, and more self-respect, in my own neighborhood. Miss USA is a dinosaur; let it go the way of the dodo.

I'm going to go local now.

My 2006 Rat's Ass Award goes to posters who whine about the Mods being unfair/biased/mean/snarky. My tolerance for transgressions committed by folks who volunteer hundreds of hours of their free time each year, is pretty damn high. So unless a Mod is currently torturing puppies, do us all a favor and sulk in silence.

[gonzomax]

Originally Posted by Maureen

The adoption practices and love lives of Madonna and Angelina Jolie.
Really, people, I could not care less if they decided to live in a hut in the bush and adopt every starving child in Africa. SO WHAT? Let 'em! They can afford it. Do I really need to know about it? Do I care if they want to circumcize or not? I don't think so.

In 50 thousand years, a meteor may or may not crash into the Earth, destroying all life.
Big fat hairy deal. Global warming will beat it to the punch, and that's happening now. Let's focus, hm?

The space rock is coming 2036.

[Ponder Stibbons]

And in other rat's-ass news, British authorities have spent considerable time, effort, and money confirming that Princess Diana is, indeed, still dead. From a car accident. As exactly originally reported.

[AtomicDog]

O fucking J fucking goddam motherfucking Simpson.

[Tuckerfan]

The fact that some politician has decided to run for President before 2008! Look, asshole, election years suck ass, there's no point in spreading the pain out any more. It doesn't dillute the pain, but prolongs it. I don't care how good you are, if you announce before the middle of next June, I'm not going to vote for you.

[AtomicDog]

Hey, Tuckerfan! Is Randy's Record Shop still in business?

[Tuckerfan]

Originally Posted by AtomicDog

Hey, Tuckerfan! Is Randy's Record Shop still in business?

Never heard of it. Where was it?

[Liberal]

Originally Posted by Chefguy

I don't give a rat's ass about Jesus in a taco, the virgin in a sandwich, allah in an eggplant, or the words of the profit in a tomato.

Or any gnus about the air to the British thrown (you know, the prints).

[AtomicDog]

Originally Posted by Tuckerfan

Never heard of it. Where was it?

Gallatin, Tennessee. Was advertised a lot on WLAC back in the "60s and early '70s.

[Syntropy]

Originally Posted by gonzomax

The space rock is coming 2036.

What, another one? From space.com:

SPACE.com was provided a copy of the paper Schweickart will present. In it, he carries out an informal analysis of the situation. He notes that the asteroid will be mostly out of view from 2006 to 2012. When it re-emerges, fresh observation will likely reduce the 2036 impact chance to zero, he said.

I repeat. Big fat hairy fucking deal.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally Posted by AtomicDog

Gallatin, Tennessee. Was advertised a lot on WLAC back in the "60s and early '70s.

No longer around, I'd say, given that I've lived here for almost 10 years now and have never heard of it.

[Sailboat]

I'm going to nominate for a Rat's Ass® not a news meme, but one particular focus of certain news stories: the Incidental "Where".

In some stories, the where is critical: impending Tsunamis, Three Mile Island, serial molester in the neighborhood, life found in the solar system, 75% off electronics sale. In many of the rest of them, "where" is mentioned for completeness, but it DOES NOT MATTER.

The world is a shrinking place these days, and we get news beamed to us by satellite and internet and Bluetooth and everything nbut ePigeon. Many of the local papers have micro versions free for commuters, they all have websites, and half of those have downloadable podcasts. Eveyone gets things from the wire services or Fark or the Straight Dope.

So when a story of minor interest occurs ("Man falls off donkey while robbing bank") or an uninteresting story with no real location occurs ("Google to license Bluetooth") or a story whose location is moot occurs ("Federal Reserve is Mentioned in Headline"), and I share it with people...what is the first damned thing they ask?

"Where did that happen? Where was that? Where?"

If I say "Czechoslovakia," they usually grunt, "uh", as if to imply "That kind of thing is always happening to those crazy Chzechs!"

If I say "Dimwit County", they they usually grunt, "uh", as if to imply "What do you expect from Dimwitters?"

If I say "the next town over", they they usually grunt, "uh", as if to imply "Huh, that close?"

But it usually does not matter where six children were drowned by their money-grubbing mother, or some computer nerd's friends gave him a Viking funeral, complete with flaming Drakkar, or toast shaped like the Madonna popped up golden-brown. The facts of the story matter, the bizarre nature of people matters, we'll all shake our heads at the Darwin awards because of what people do, but NOBODY CARES if the guy died in Arizona or New Mexico. At least, nobody 1,000 miles away, reading it online or in a newspaper, cares.

And *I*don't care. I had a hard enough time remembering he fell off a donkey while drowning Nicole Richie -- I paid no attention at all to "Numchuck, Idaho" in the byline.

So here's your Rat's Ass® award!

Do NOT ask me "where" the ceremony will be.

Sailboat

[Cervaise]

Originally Posted by BobLibDem

Yeah, but at the time the country needed American cheese on white with mayo.

Shit, right now, I'd vote for a handful of stale bread crumbs mixed with a few stray dog hairs.

My rat's-ass nomination: "Is Windows Vista coming out this week? No, well, maybe... this week? Possibly. No, wait, never mind. Oh, okay, this week finally!" Just release the fucker or don't, and tell me when you actually have a real event to report. I tuned out the bafflegab so much, I almost missed the actual launch date when it happened.

[kingpengvin]

Originally Posted by BrainGlutton

Those damned zombies. How many times do we have to hear about how much faster they are than the old models?! Principle remains the same: Put a bullet through the head and forget about it!

Amen... besides running Zombies are so 1985...

[Leaffan]

"Celebrities" of all kinds are my biggest "Who Gives A Rat's Ass"* topic. As I stand in line at the grocery store I am in absolute awe that anyone woud actually care about any of this stuff. Yet apparently very large numbers of people do.

*WGARA - Pronounced wi-GA-ra, could be a new word for 2007.