Business Telemarketing: A Deeper Evil

The BBQ Pit
1

So I’m tucked into bed this morning, getting my first decent night’s sleep in a week. I can’t remember what the dream was about, but it was a good one. And at 8:30 A.M., the phone rings.

No, I am not a morning person.

But who knows, it could be important. Family member or something. I go and answer it.

Nope, it’s not important, it’s Bud the salesman trying to sell my business some fenceposts.

Backstory: A couple years ago I formed a company for the sole purpose of owning a piece of commercial real estate. I don’t need to rent a commercial office to run a tiny company, so I run it out of my house. Fool that I am, I put my home phone number on the business application. Whereupon it became part of public record. Dun & Bradstreet got their clever little paws on it, and the rest is history.

And in case you didn’t know, business and charitable solicitations are exempt from the National Do Not Call Registry. My home phone number is on the list, but it doesn’t do any good to block these guys.

Back to Bud the salesman. As soon as he finishes his first sentence I give him my standard “This is a residential number on the Federal Do Not Call list. Please place it on your own do-not-call list immediately. Thank you.” And I hang up.

Halfway back to the bedroom, the phone rings again.

I go back and answer it with a “Now what?” Bud is not sounding particularly apologetic, but he says that he doesn’t want his other guys calling me again and getting me pissed off, so he wants to help. They get their lists from their corporate office in Massachusetts. If I call Gary at the corporate office, he’ll take my number off the list. So he gives me Gary’s direct line.

It doesn’t begin with 800. Or 888. Or 877 or 866. Just a MA area code.

I’m almost enjoying this now. I ask Bud why he expects me to spend my own money calling Massachusetts in order to make him stop harassing me. He tries to make excuses. I tell him that that’s not the way telemarketing laws work. Telemarketing laws say that I tell him to put me on his company’s do-not-call list and he does it, that’s it. He tries to make more excuses. I ask him for the name of his company and tell him that the FTC will probably be interested in this.

I suppose he’s still trying his best to sound helpful, because he does tell me that Dun & Bradstreet is where they get their leads. I thank him for that information, then tell him to call Gary himself and take my name off the list, since he’s the one with the phone. I hang up.

So, Bud, to sum up:

Fuck you and all business telemarketers. Equally and without prejudice. Fuck you. (With a splintery 4x4 fencepost pressure-treated with Tabasco, but that goes without saying.) Sorry, this is a business fucking, it’s not subject to the Federal Do-Not-Fuck Registry.

As for your suggestion to call your headquarters on my dime to get my name removed, I’m glad I don’t have your nerve in my tooth. That took so much gall you should have your liver checked out.

I’m resisting the temptation to include Gary’s direct line here because I know It Would Be Wrong. Wait, let me check. Yep, still resisting.

And Dun & Bradstreet? I’m camped by the phone with a pair of pliers and a blow torch for the next time they call to “update my account”.

Now. Whom in Congress do I have to blow to get business and charity solicitations subject to the DNCR?

2

I work for a small educational foundation that provides GED classes. Since I am the fiscal guy, I get all these fun calls. I can handle the telemarketing ones, and actually have fun with those people – “We are a paperless office; so we don’t need any toner, ink or paper!”

But the latest feature of the telemarketers is the call with the recording: “Please wait for an important call.” Sure, I’m gonna wait on hold to listen to your latest scam.

3

The ironic thing is that I had just shown Cervaise’s classic rant to a friend the night before, too…

4

When I was a teenager, we used to get calls like that a lot. And I mean, a lot. One Summer afternoon, they came every fifteen minutes for almost three hourse. Finally, it rang one time too many. I grabbed the phone, and when the voice on the other end said, “Hi, is Ann there?” I yelled, “She doesn’t want to fucking talk to you! No one here does! Stop fucking calling, asshole!” and slammed the receiver down.

The I realized, “Hey, wait, that wasn’t a recording…”

My mom (Ann) was not real pleased when she got home, after her friend called her at her office to find out what the hell was wrong with her son.

5

Oh for fuck’s sake, YES. Million suns and all that. I have a new business, and somebody, somewhere got wind of it. “THEY” all want to sell me credit card processing shit.
Listen, fuckstains, I am a PUBLIC WORKS CONTRACTOR. We do business with general contractors and municipalities. Nobody I do business with will EVER pay with a credit card for anything, so GET STUFFED!

Gah. That sort of feels better. But I get at least five of these a day, and I’m getting increasingly more hostile everytime I pick up the phone to hear one of those recordings. “Take me off your call list” has so far fallen of deaf ears, so now it’s up to me to begin a call history to make sure they get the fines that are coming to them.

6

Here’s what I don’t get: We get calls constantly asking for people in the office. The callers won’t give their names. These callers call repeatedly and never ever ever ever ever ever get to talk to anyone. They won’t leave messages and won’t say who they are.

What’s the point?

7

I got one of those a week or two ago.

Me [picking up the phone]: Brazil Here!!

Person with Philippines Accent: Hi, is this Brazil84?

Me: Yes, who’s calling please?

Filipina: Thank you, goodbye [hangs up phone].

I think it’s somebody putting some sort of directory together.

8

They’re praying for the off-chance that get someone who’ll give them some information.

It happens all the time – ask any receptionist.

9

Two possibilities: now they have your name to call someone else in your company (“Yes, brazil84 ordered 3 dozen of our excellent toner cartridges, but we’ve misplaced the address.”), or now they have your “Yes” on tape.

I never say “Yes” to any question from a telemarketer, stemming from the days when the phone companies were slamming people like crazy.

10

I don’t recall if I have posted this before, but here goes.
I worked for Volvo which is owned by Ford.
We opened a training center in Northern California. We had to get a business license. We of course had to list the phone number to the facility.
D&B got their hands on the list and started selling the phone number and address.
Now when I was in the facility, I worked by myself, so if the phone rang I had to answer it. After all it might have been my boss, or somebody important.
Credit cards, credit card machines, business loans I got them all both by phone and mail.
The ones that pissed me off the most were the established companies that did not recognize the name of a major corporation when they saw it. One day, I went off on the second American Express guy that called in the span of about 20 minutes.
IIRC my rant went something like this “Jesus fucking Christ, you work for American Express. I would expect you to have an IQ that is larger than your shoe size. Do you really think you will get any business from a world-wide corporation that employees millions of people by calling a remote training facility in Northern California? Get a fucking clue and don’t ever call here again.”
So then they changed their tactics and the telemarketers starting asking for the person that was in charge of the finances. Being a smart ass I started replying his name is Bill Ford, he works in Dearborn Michigan and I would hang up.
Pretty soon the credit card offers started coming in addressed to you guessed it Bill Ford /Volvo Training Center. Then the phone calls started coming in asking for Bill. :rolleyes:
When Ford’s credit rating took a dump to ZZZ- I was tempted to forward one or two of the “You are pre-approved / transfer all of your debt to our card at 0% interest” letters to Dearborn with a note that I had solved the company’s financial problems. :stuck_out_tongue:

11

Recently my wife’s cell phone has been getting these phone calls from unknown numbers that don’t only have a recording like that, but every now and then it says “Hello, we are trying to reach you about an extremely important matter. Please call the following number. 1-888-----blach”

She called it back once…from the office phone at her work. They were selling “real estate deal information” due to foreclosure - or something. She hung up. They have called her cell phone repeatedly the last week.

Fuck asses…don’t they realize that some people sleep in the day because they work 3rd shift! businesses should know better, damnit! (ok, not a valid complaint, but it sucks anyways)

Brendon Small

12

They don’t try for information. They call and ask for “Moe.” Reception says, “May I ask who’s calling?” They hang up. Or reception says, “Moe’s not in, would you like to leave a message?” They hang up.

They’ll call every day. The same people. Over and over and over.

13

We’ve started getting some of these too for my boss. We get so few calls that we have no real “receptionist” – any legitimate caller pretty much has the extension of the person who they need to speak with anyway. What company doesn’t ask who’s calling?

However, my boss seems to gleefully take telemarketer calls. He seems to enjoy making them go through their spiel and then saying no. I guess it does waste their time so they can’t call someone else. Everyone else I just route the calls to voice mail. That doesn’t stop some people. We got three calls within an hour from one company. Uh, yeah, Melanie, I remember you from two minutes ago. Can you just talk to so-and-so? Well, sure, here’s their voicemail again. I’m sure you remember it… from two minutes ago.

14

That’s what I do. After stringing them along I fake an interruption and set the phone down. At home a ringing doorbell is a good one. “Oh, hang on a minute, the paperboy’s collecting.” In the office there’s always another line, “let me put you on hold.” The longer I keep them waiting on my phone the less time they have to annoy others. I figure it’s a good deed.

15

Have you tried, saying hang on Moe’s right here, then change your voice and be Moe. It might be good gossip, maybe Moe has a girl/boyfriend… :smiley:

16

We get calls for dead people!

XYX Realty
May I speak to Mr. E
Me: No because HE…IS…DEAD

Click

17

I got both mail and the occasional phone call (which is really remarkable since he lived halfway across the country from where I lived) for my father for several years after he died. The phone calls ended quickly, but the mail continued.

I still wonder what would have happened if I’d entered for the ten million bucks in his name and won. “He won what? Well, he’s dead, has been for several years, but I’m his daughter, can I have the money instead?”

18

We have a house phone, and its sole purpose is for our amusement, as our roommate answers them in the most bizarre and disturbing ways possible. Last night someone called for me and he said, “Oh, he’s just been shot.”

Another one is “My dad works for [some organization whose cause is the opposite than the one calling] and he’d beat me if I gave you guys any money.”

19

At a previous workplace, it would be, “Sir, I must ask that you identify yourself and explain your call immediately.” If they didn’t, they’d have their numbers traced and get a visit from some rather humourless people.

We used to have a bit of fun with salescritters. There was the ever popular growl, “What are you trying to sell us?” And, “Do you realise where you’ve called?” Then, after we were outsourced, there were the outsourcing salescritters. We could be evil with them: they were, after all, our competitors.

20

Oh, we’ve been way more evil than that. We’ve done things like make up fake names for “the person in charge of the toner supply purchases.” Then when someone calls and asks for, say, Ida Knowe, it causes great hilarity. :smiley:

But yeah, we masquerade as each other sometimes, just to get rid of someone. More often, I’ll just answer the phone as me and get rid of them. “Hello, this is Julie, how may I help you?” “I’m calling for Moe.” “I’m handling Moe’s calls…”