Cheesiest music video ever

[jjimm]

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your amusement Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart.

The literalism. The histrionics. The mixed metaphors. The slo-mo dove. The glowing-eyed flying choirboy. The random football players who appear once and are then never seen again. The pansy-assed dancers. The vague (and vain) attempt at the end to explain what the hell was going on.

What were they thinking? It's hilariously bad.

Can anyone do worse than this?

[Contrapuntal]

Turn around Bright Eyes. You forgot the dancing ninjas. And the shadow fencers. And the ... what, greaser zombies climbing the stairs?

If there is a cheesier video I don't want to see it.

[MidnightRadio]

What is going on in that video?

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by MidnightRadio

What is going on in that video?

Well duh, he turned around, and he had bright eyes.

I'm surprised they didn't do 80s-style CGI of Bonnie "falling apart" too. And some dough for "I knead you now tonight, I knead you more than ever".

So, at the end, did she kill one of the schoolboys? Was it an identity parade? Was she a teacher and boffing one of them? I have no idea.

[jjimm]

Complete hijack of my own thread, MidnightRadio, but did you take your name from the David Gray song? Good song, that.

[MerryMagdalen]

Well damn. I'm dealing with genuine heartbreak in my own life right now, and by rights this song should have had me moody this late at night...

And yet all I can think about is Flying Priests with Frikkin' Laser Eyes!

It's a good thing. I can just come home and watch this and get turned off getting laid for another week or so...

[Khadaji]

Wow. I confess usually I see "best" or "worst" or some other "est" and I go and watch the clip in question and then I shrug and go "meh."

This time I gotta say: Wow, that was one odd vid.

[HMS Irruncible]

I always liked "In A Big Country". It's like... hey, we've got $10000 in our shooting budget. Whatsay we just buy some ATV's and film ourselves riding around? Cuz nothing says "cool" like a British rock band driving around on 4-wheelers.

[Uosdwis R. Dewoh]

This Meatloaf video is pretty cheesy but nothing beats this.

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Uosdwis R. Dewoh

nothing beats this.

That has got to be a joke. (David Hasselhof - Hooked on a Feeling.)

[Uosdwis R. Dewoh]

Nearly forgot this one. Its a music video made by two popular Finnish artists in 1978. My mother lived next door and went to the same school as the male singer Danny.

[fessie]

Originally Posted by jjimm

That has got to be a joke. (David Hasselhof - Hooked on a Feeling.)

Hey man, don't hassle the Hoff (especially not in a vintage year).

How about
The Safety Dance.

[MsRobyn]

A few days, I stumbled on this gem. The dork dancer is enough to put this into the solid cheese category, but the 80s CG and vector graphics just really put it over the top.

Robin

[ultrafilter]

Sarah Brightman and Hot Gossip, "I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper". I'd say this competes with the OP.

[Hung Mung]

Tunak Tunak Tun. I believe I will see Daler Mendi in hell.

[Hamlet]

There's a world of difference between "really bad", "goofy", "dated" and cheesiest. For cheesiest, the OP is right. I have never seen something so horribly....cheesy. From the constant back-lighting to the overused wind machine, from the angsty singing to the bright eyes, from the boarding school teens to the dancing ninjas (dancing fucking ninjas?, what.....the.....fuck?), from the million of candles to the cliche arm-tensing while singing, from the gothic set to the mirrors, every shot of this video, every second of the song is cheesy.

Well done, OP. Spot on.

[Push You Down]

In honor of this week's anniversary.... How can this thread be complete without - America: We Stand as One

[H3Knuckles]

Some of the other videos posted in replies are bad, but...

Wow! That Bonnie Tyler video is just... something! Bad isn't even the right word. haha, jeez. My sisters used to make jokes about the video but I've never actually watched it before. Now I know. I mean the song itself is pretty ridiculous it's so melodramatic, but they could've just done something like the Meatloaf video and it'd be fine. The dancers, the athletes, the various cliche groups, the glowing freaky eyes... it's just insane.

[LurkMeister]

There's always William Shatner doing Rocket Man.

[missbunny]

That Bonnie Tyler vid is so ... overwrought. Some director thought he was making this big artistic allegorical imagery-filled mysterious enigma of a piece, and instead it's just head-scratching what-the-hell.

Now The Safety Dance one, I just watched it and laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard my mom who is recovering from surgery came up to see what the heck was going on. It's so BAD! I can't believe I used to watch this kind of crap for hours! So wonderfully horribly bad.

[ArizonaTeach]

You're insane. That was an awesome video! I distinctly remember it being something I waited for hours for it to come on MTV...

(watches video for the first time in two decades)

Now that...that's not...I don't...

...


My 12 year old self and I have a lot to talk about.

[betenoir]

One word: A Flock of Seagulls. Oh wait, that's four words. And I'm not sure if it's more cheesy or just totally awful. And while I here I'll just pit them for draging a cool band like the Stranglers into their pit of suckyness.

[dnooman]

My usual answer to the question is Lick It Up by KISS.

[Slithy Tove]

That David Hasselhof vid is pretty bad, but somewhat redeemed by its own self-awareness. Unlike some other deluded, pathetic posers

But if we're going to open the door to ironic self-parody, prepare to have it blown off its hinges by the Genius that is Gunther.

"champagne, glamour, sex, and respect"

[Moirai]

For sheer cheese, it's tough to beat Patty Smyth's The Warrior. But I think Bonnie just about does it.

[KarlGrenze]

Wait, you think there is self-awareness in the Hasselhoff video?

[NDP]

Originally Posted by jjimm

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your amusement Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart.

The literalism. The histrionics. The mixed metaphors. The slo-mo dove. The glowing-eyed flying choirboy. The random football players who appear once and are then never seen again. The pansy-assed dancers. The vague (and vain) attempt at the end to explain what the hell was going on.

What were they thinking? It's hilariously bad.

Can anyone do worse than this?

jjimm, I hate to be a scold but you did a very dangerous thing by starting this thread. Don't you realize the longer it goes on, there will be an increasing risk of some unfortunate Doper (or Dopers) being ... [shudder] ... Rickrolled!

[Otto]

That Bonnie Tyler video got a generation of porn-deprived gay teenagers through some dark days.

And that Scandal video rocks.

You people have no taste.

[Little Nemo]

What is going on in that video?

As best I can figure it out, Tyler is a teacher at a all-boy school. She's feeling ... urges ... and she's having a dream about her students. (You're allowed to have nonsensical symbology in a dream sequence.) In the final scene, it's the next morning and she's awake and everything's normal. But when she shakes hands with one of the boys she suddenly remembers "Omigod, I was dreaming about having sex with this kid last night."

[Little Nemo]

My offering for a bizarre video: Pat Benatar's Shadows of the Night - what the hell did this song have to do with the Battle of Britain?

[H3Knuckles]

Originally Posted by Little Nemo

As best I can figure it out, Tyler is a teacher at a all-boy school. She's feeling ... urges ... and she's having a dream about her students. (You're allowed to have nonsensical symbology in a dream sequence.) In the final scene, it's the next morning and she's awake and everything's normal. But when she shakes hands with one of the boys she suddenly remembers "Omigod, I was dreaming about having sex with this kid last night."

Aw, you killed the joke. Half the fun was in the video not making any sense, and now you had to come along and give us a reasonably plausible explanation of what it's about...

Still, I'd like to know what's up with the bird-boy, dancing ninjas, and flying glowing-eyed choir boy. Those go a little further than nonsensical symbology.

[Mr. Miskatonic]

My nomination, if I could find a version of it online, would be Prince Charles' (the short lived 80's Prince imitator, not the Crown Prince) 'SkinTight Tina'. I saw this on a channel that was yet to go into full production and so was showing mostly videos that MTV laughed off the air. Even by the low, cheesy standards of the 80's, and by the low standards of videos shown on that channel, it was memorable for its cheesiness.

I wish I could describe it, flinging records. The singer tied up and a singing with a voice that was a bastard child of George Clinton and Morrisey hitting adolescence. A couple of fly girls saying 'ooh' 'aah' with no feeling behind them while hiding behind masks on a stick...

Cheese, pure cheese.

[OtakuLoki]

Well, while nothing can quite match the WTF quality of the OP's selection (Though the Tunak Tunak Tun one comes close.) I will submit this for some mocking - if only for the focus on the swagger stick, while the line "some of them want to abuse you" is sung.

And how the Hell have we forgotten this one so long into the thread? It's got to be a close second place for WTF moments!


BTW: How much credibility will I have left when I admit that I still like most of these songs, even if the vids are embarassing to remember liking?

[Harborwolf]

Originally Posted by H3Knuckles

Aw, you killed the joke. Half the fun was in the video not making any sense, and now you had to come along and give us a reasonably plausible explanation of what it's about...

Still, I'd like to know what's up with the bird-boy, dancing ninjas, and flying glowing-eyed choir boy. Those go a little further than nonsensical symbology.

Don't forget the stair dancing greasers and the loin clothed dancers surrounding her.

Of course, maybe the all boy school was the prestigious Mrs. Worcestershire's School for Really F@#&*d up Sh#$.

[dotchan]

Fool! Dancing ninjas need no explanation!

They can flip out and kill you before you can even blink!

[Achren]

Originally Posted by jjimm

The glowing-eyed flying choirboy. (clipping mine)

That was just creepy.
ETA: dotchan - HA! I'd like to flip out like a ninja, since that's what they do (flash video).

[dnooman]

Originally Posted by Achren

That was just creepy.
ETA: dotchan - HA! I'd like to flip out like a ninja, since that's what they do (flash video).

I hate you.

[Hey, It's That Guy!]

I was introduced to this video recently (through another CS thread, in fact): "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse. It's relatively recent, and awesomely cheesy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV1bRfLHA3A

[H3Knuckles]

Originally Posted by Big Bad Voodoo Lou

I was introduced to this video recently (through another CS thread, in fact): "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse. It's relatively recent, and awesomely cheesy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV1bRfLHA3A

Oh it's awesome alright, but doesn't it kind of disqualify a video when it's intentionally cheesy?

[Green Bean]

Originally Posted by OtakuLoki

....I will submit this for some mocking - if only for the focus on the swagger stick, while the line "some of them want to abuse you" is sung.

And how the Hell have we forgotten this one so long into the thread? It's got to be a close second place for WTF moments!


BTW: How much credibility will I have left when I admit that I still like most of these songs, even if the vids are embarassing to remember liking?

Huh? I would hardly call those videos cheesy. They were awesome then, and I think they both hold up pretty well.

My submission? Journey's air-guitar extravaganza--Separate Ways. Melodramatic much?

While we're on the subject, does anybody know the story behind the Heaven's just a funky moose "video?"

And I don't know if this is cheesy. I don't know what it is. But if you haven't seen it, do check out Leonard Nimoy's Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.

[shamrock227]

Originally Posted by OtakuLoki

And how the Hell have we forgotten this one so long into the thread? It's got to be a close second place for WTF moments!

You're crazy. That's a great video. A classic. Thomas Dolby was H-O-T (which may be the reason why I love the video so much ).

[OtakuLoki]

Oh? The camera focuses on someone other than Miss Yakamoto? I hadn't noticed...

[KGS]

Originally Posted by Green Bean

My submission? Journey's air-guitar extravaganza--Separate Ways. Melodramatic much?

This video was voted #6 Worst Of All Time by VH1 and I still don't understand why. Yeah, it's a little dorky and low-budget, but I think it's pretty cool.

As for pure cheese...well, somebody already mentioned The Safety Dance, so I'll offer Ant Rap instead.

[ArizonaTeach]

Oh, if it's intentional cheese, I defy anyone to show me something more cheesy than this.

[dnooman]

Originally Posted by ArizonaTeach

Oh, if it's intentional cheese, I defy anyone to show me something more cheesy than this.

That is intentional cheese. Does not count.

[Mr. Miskatonic]

Intentional Cheese does not count, people. Otherwise Electronik Supersonik trumps everything!

[scotandrsn]

What some here don't seem to get is that Total Eclispe, Sweet Dreams and Blinded Me with Science were not marginalized in their day. They were considered shining examples of the new art known as "music video", whose stylings would endure *snicker*.

Somewhere out there is the video someone made in 1984 or thereabouts, same idiotic, pseudo-abstract style, to "Yesterday" by the Beatles, which will win the thread, but I can't find it on YouTube.

[Spoke]

For goofy, self-important 80s cheesiness, try We Built This City by Starship.

[Johnny L.A.]

Originally Posted by LurkMeister

There's always William Shatner doing Rocket Man.

I had seen that performance exactly once, when it was originally broadcast. It's remained a point of amusment between me and a friend all that time. Thanks for the link.

[lisacurl]

Originally Posted by EJsGirl

For sheer cheese, it's tough to beat Patty Smyth's The Warrior. But I think Bonnie just about does it.

That video was so bad that even when it premiered in the 80s I was like, "This has to be a parody, right?"