Would you tell a 6 year old his dad is in jail?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My ex-husband is in jail. I do not know for how long. As soon as he is released he will probably be picked up by the next county. So, if you were me would you tell your six year old son that his father is in jail?

Dear old dad has disappeared before, 4 or 5 months that time, when the boy was 3 years old. At that time whenever he asked I told him that Daddy was working at a special job far away and would be back when his work was done (hey, it was the best I could come up with at the time!).

So far this time the boy hasn’t even asked.

I have been in contact with ex via mail. He wants to tell the boy, but I disagreed saying that a 6 y/o doesn’t have much of a concept of “shades of gray” badness - to him his dad, the multiple time loser but not violent criminal, would be the same as the rapists and murderers in there because to a 6 y/o jail=bad man.

So, I’m still figuring this out; I will continue to do so and let my son’s curiosity be my guide.

But what would you do?

2

I would not tell him. Little boys need to be able to idolize their fathers, and his father doesn’t have the right to take that away from his son, even though it may be a fantasy. He’ll know the truth about his dad in time… I’d let him think dad’s a good guy for as long as possible.

3

I think most six-year-olds can understand the differences between minor crimes and major ones.
If it were my kid, I would absolutely tell him, or let the ex write him a letter which we (my son and I) would then read together so I could explain further (if necessary) and answer his questions.

4

I think that, if your son asks, you should tell him simply that “Daddy is being held in a grown-up version of time-out. He did some bad stuff and is now in prison.” I really don’t think that a 6 yo is going to be making the equivalence between prison and murderers and rapists. That’s a bit more baroque than I think most kids that age really think.

I’m not a parent, and have only limited contact with the 6 yo in my life, so YMMV.

5

Maybe it just my “Dadness” coming out here, but I’d say if the Dad wants to tell him; then maybe you should let him.

Personally, I agree with you. I’d probably keep it quiet if I could. But hey, it’s his kid too. And as long as he’s not doing willfully or obvious harm to the kid; he should be able to make that call.

6

I think that six years old is getting kind of old to lie to the kid about dad’s whereabouts–which may tell you how much I know about 6 year olds (nothing). If the kid doesn’t seem curious, I might postpone making the announcement. But if the kid asks where dad is, or why he hasn’t seen him in a while, I think I’d tell him the truth, rather than risk the kid feeling betrayed because I lied about dad’s whereabouts.

7

I think you should absolutely tell your son. Six years old is plenty old enough to understand the truth about a parent. The child needs to know what to expect from his father, even if, unfortunately, the reality is that dad’s in jail and won’t be out for a while. If you say that dad’s on “a special job” now, eventually (likely in the next 2-4 years) the kid will know the truth and will know you lied.

I think the best course is to be truthful, but don’t editorialize. You can say “Dad is in jail and will not be able to see you for a while.” I wouldn’t say “You dad is thieving scumbag and if you’re lucky you won’t grow up like him or ever see him again.” If you want and can take your son to go visit dad, tell him that. If you know how long you ex’s sentence is, tell you son that by tying it to some future date he’ll understand. “I think that Dad won’t be able to visit you until after Christmas” or whatever.

8

Absolutely. I agree with not badmouthing the ex, but don’t whitewash them either. This only leads to confusion when the kid starts forming her own opinions “Daddy didn’t pick me up like he said he would. Mommy said if I break a promise, that’s bad. So Daddy must be bad. But Mommy says he’s not bad…so does that mean breaking promises really isn’t bad?”

“Daddy broke the law and he’s in jail. He wants to write you lettters, and I’ll help you read them. Would you like to draw a picture to send to Daddy?” If he then wants to know what Daddy did, tell him using words he can understand:

“Daddy stole some money from work. He shouldn’t have done that, right? So he’s in jail; it’s like time-out for grownups. He needs to stay there and think about what he did, so maybe he won’t make the same mistake again.”

or

“Daddy did a very stupid thing, and I’ll tell you more about it when you’re older. Even people we love who love us sometimes do stupid illegal things, and when they do, they go to jail for a while.”

or even,

“Daddy did something illegal. I (or Daddy) don’t agree with the law, we think that what he did was okay, but when you break a law you go to jail. I’m going to write a letter to ask the lawmakers to change the law, but I don’t know if they will or not. Even when we don’t agree with a law, we have to obey it or we go to jail.”

9

I agree. I think six is getting a little too old to believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Immaculate Parent. (By way of credentials, I have four kids, age 3-8, and have recently had to explain to them why Mom and Dad are divorced:() Be honest and direct, but as rpinrd said, try not to editorialize.

10

You have four freaking kids?! Okay clearly you do need to be concerned about the penis power because you have been recklessly weilding that thing

11

I would tell the boy. I am all about honesty with my kids – age-appropriate honesty, but honesty nonetheless. For example. when my daughter was younger, I told her that we left her father because he and I had issues that he was unwilling to work on, but when she got older and wanted more details and could understand better, I explained about the abuse.

Kids don’t like being lied to, and eventually the truth will come out – decide for yourself whether or not you want to eventually deal with the “mom, why did you lie about this?” questions. At the same time, if the kid isn’t asking, you don’t have to offer information. When the kid asks, I would just say something along the lines of “well, Dad got into some trouble and is in jail for now.” You know your son better than we do, if you think he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth, well, that’s between the two of you. I wouldn’t give more details than I had to, though, unless you think it might be helpful.

Oh, and in my experience (I have a 15 year old daughter and a 7 year old son) kids are well aware of “shades of grey” by age 6. You can tell that they have that concept when they start doing the avoidance thing – you know how it goes:

mom: who broke this lamp?
kid: …
mom: did you break this lamp?
kid: …
mom: I know you broke the lamp.
kid: I’m sorry

When kids understand that avoiding answering the question is not as bad as actually lying they understand shades of grey.

12

The six year old in my life would be a little insulted if he was spoken to in that manner. He knows full well what jail is.

Six != three.

13

I’d do the same.

My issue wouldn’t be worrying about shades of grey, mine would be the six year old choosing to blab to all his friends and his teacher and everyone else that “My Dad’s in jail.” Guilt by association is not a good thing for a six year old and my own fear would be that his teachers would treat him differently and that his playdates would dry up. Adults can be real bastards.

So if you do choose to tell him, you may want to let him know that this is something he shouldn’t share.

14

That’s a good point. I don’t know why, but I literally thought the kid in the OP was three.

So, uh, yeah…update my suggestions as appropriate. :smack:

15

Don’t worry about it. I do the divide by two thing myself sometimes. But don’t do it again. If I’ve told you half a time, I’ve told five hundred thousand times, so don’t make me tell you a first time. :wink:

16

I’d say “jail” instead of “prison”, and (if it’s a non-violent) make sure the kid knows that his father didn’t hurt anyone. I’d throw some spin on it - “Your dad went to jail” instead of “He was sent to jail”, and explain that even grownups have to pay a price for doing something wrong.

On second thought, and this might just apply to how my own kids handle things, I don’t think I’d over explain it. I wouldn’t go into great detail about how the justice system operates or even sit him down for a serious talk. My kids hate that. “Dad went to jail because he sold an 8-ball to an undercover cop. I don’t know when he’ll get to come visit again, but you can write him letters and talk on the phone. Want mac and cheese for dinner?”

I certainly would tell him, but I’d let him come up with his own questions in his own time.

17

Interesting. I was dead set against telling him but now am rethinking my decision. Good points made by all. I’m not the type of parent that normally lies to my kid but this one has me all twisted up. He loves his dad. He looks up to his dad. When it boils down to it I guess I don’t want to be the one to tell him his dad isn’t a superhero. I don’t want to see that crushed look on his little face. Damn damn damn.
He’s smarter than I am giving him credit for, though. Maybe this weekend.

18

how about avoiding the words jail or prison, but still being truthful?
Tell him “Daddy did some bad things , so a policeman took him to a judge, who decided to punish him, and now he isn’t allowed to see you for a while.”

For a 6 year old’s imagination, the concept of “jail” may be too scary. Maybe he has seen a violent jail movie on TV. Or maybe his teacher has told him that jail is where they send men who we warned you to stay away from (the ones who hang out near the playground and kidnap boys.

19

As long as it’s explained properly, thoroughly, and fairly, I do not think children should be protected from truths about their parents. I think 6 is old enough to understand almost anything as long as it’s put in the most basic terms, and the child is reassured that he is ok, that the parent/person in question still loves them, and what’s happening is not a reflection of them or their actions.

The problems I have with the urge to shield children from this sort of thing is that it preserves an ignorance of facts that can come back to worsen the situation in the future. In past threads, some parents have not told their kids about their father’s cheating or their mother’s lying out of a genuine desire to “protect” them or to not “harm” that child’s relationship with that parent. Then ten years down the line, because the child was kept in the dark about the crappy parent, the kid doesn’t understand why there is so much anger and bitterness between his parents and takes sides based on his incorrect perception of the situation. At that point, the non-crappy parent either has to endure the pain of the kid being on the side of the crappy parent, or admit that he has been hiding things from him all these years.

I don’t see the point of this. As painful or difficult as it may be to explain the unfortunate truths about irresponsible parents, it’s far worse, IMO, to make up and sustain an illusion about such parents.

If you’re not sure whether your kid has a concept of something, there’s nothing wrong with asking them if they understand and then explaining it carefully if they don’t. As smart as they are, kids don’t magically develop concepts of things on their own. With difficult things like their parents being in jail, wouldn’t it be better to sit the kid down and explain to him where Daddy is and why he’s there, than to conceal the truth and possibly not have control over how he finds out about it? It would be a greater shock, IMO, for your son to find out about it when he’s 25, or to hear it blurted out at a family gathering next Christmas.

Since his father wants him to know, I would have him write a letter to your son explaining in his own words where he is and why he’s there. You can read it with your son, and then be there to answer any questions your son may have. It’ll be a lot for him to digest, but I think reading it in his father’s own words will help him understand and accept it.

With something like lawbreaking and jail, I think it’ll be important to emphasize the difference between Daddy breaking the law and going to jail and him (the child) misbehaving and being punished. After all, the idea behind telling him the truth is not to make him paranoid that he could be taken away if he misbehaves.

20

Another vote for telling the kid. I’ve got a five-year-old, and as a result interact with a lot of other five-year-olds, and I’d say that six is old enough to understand going to jail, at least when it’s explained in age-appropriate terms. In fact, my guess it that it will be hard to avoid telling him, if his dad normally has any role in his life. From my own experience, a kid that age has a pretty good sense of when a parent is tap-dancing around something, and it only makes him or her more curious.