It started over a parking space. Somehow, cars just bring out the worst in people. I was a passenger in a car that rushed in and snatched a parking space as someone else was leaving. Another driver was waiting for it, but they would have had to go the wrong way (against the arrows) to get it. Unbelievably, even after our car was parked, the other driver swooped in real close and nearly rammed our car – to gain what, I don’t know – and then stuck around. As soon as my friend, the driver, got out, the other driver dropped the F-bomb on him. I rushed to the defense of my friend and used the F-bomb myself. Then the other driver upped the ante and criticized my physical appearance, using the F-word again. To which I replied with the foulest misogynistic insult I could think of, and invited the driver to get out. After a few more words, the driver backed up and drove away.
I felt bad about behaving like this. I always feel bad on the rare occasions when I resort to verbal aggression. I don’t feel sorry for that other driver, at all, but I was ashamed to show the “ugly” side of my personality to my friends. It also makes me feel like I’m lowering myself to their level, like being part of the problem or something.
All my life, i have been subjected to taunts and random insults from people who didn’t even know me. The memory of these insults makes a black cloud collect in my brain, and I get into the toxic “shoulda-woulda” scenarios, even if it happened years ago. Some insults last forever! Yet, the few times I have responded by getting ugly, I have always ended up feeling ashamed.
When is it OK to be verbally aggressive? Do you think this rude driver will learn a lesson and not be so quick to verbally assault a total stranger in the future? Or will it just get worse.
You should have told her “the jerk store called…:”
I don’t see much of a point in getting into a swearing / screaming match with a perfect stranger. Although I am pretty good and random taunts and insults that cloud people’s brain for years afterwards.
That’s essentially what the no-look middle finger is for. You just go about doing whatever it is you are doing but nonchalantly flip the person the bird. This works especially well for people in cars. It basically says “You aren’t important enough to argue with, but fuck you anyway. And if you really want to get into it, why don’t you step out of your car?”
I think if you are going to insult someone, it should be the sort of insult that lasts a lifetime. I would have basically just told her “have fun driving around the lot fatty.” or “Your ass could use the extra walk.” All women think they are too fat.
You were the passenger? You don’t get an opinion. The driver was a dick and was called on it, why do you think it had something to do with you? When I call the driver a dick the passenger can shut the fuck up.
Unless they’re in the wrong lane or going against the marked direction.
Screw her, i’d have done just what you guys did.
I don’t usually respond in kind. I just ask them of they’re sure they want to start something. And if they do, do they realize just how big a mistake that would be. I’m a pretty big guy though, and have a long beard and wild hair. Most people probbly think biker or crazy when they see me.
Is that acceptable behavior in New York? Around here, people rarely do that. The other day I witnessed what I thought was an interesting young lady flip someone off. In my mind, she lost 8 class points, and she only had 7 to begin with. I consider the finger gesture to be rude, crass, and vulgar.
But maybe that’s just a regional thing. I’ve noticed that when I’m in the DC area, people flip each other off like it ain’t no thang.
I wonder if it’s just more acceptable in some places than in others.
My view is that anyone who uses foul language or a middle finger demonstrates that he lost his cool and was unable to handle himself like a mature person. So the best reaction when someone does this is to stay calm and quiet, with perhaps some gentle words or body language to the effect: “How unfortunate you’re not the kind of person that can stay in control of himself.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a case where responding to verbal aggression with more of the same made the situation better.
Most of the time responding to verbal aggression in kind just escalates the situation, but sometimes it really is the only way to get through to people.
I do tech support over the phone, and I have one regular customer who always gets verbally aggressive. I’ve learned (when he pushed me to the breaking point once) that the only way to get him to cooperate with troubleshooting is to get aggressive back. As an example:
Him: I’m trying to do such-and-such, and your retarded software keep getting the same goddamn error message!
If I say: I’m sorry for the trouble, sir. Would you please read me the error message so I can investigate this problem for you? He’ll get even more pissed off, scream some insults and hang up, and then call my supervisor and scream at him that I’m not helping him.
But if I say: Are you going to give me the goddamn error message so I can actually help you, or do you just want to yell at me and not get help? He gives me the error message, I fix his problem, he thanks me for helping him, and calls my supervisor to tell him what a great job I’m doing.
It’s like he needs someone to talk to him in his own language. I would never dare talk like that to any of our other customers, but with him it’s the only way to make him happy.
I’m not about to tell you how to do your job, especially since you’ve seemed to have figured out how to deal with that particular rude moron.
But…
What would happen if you stayed calm and composed, and simply told this guy that his behavior was unacceptable and he was not going to get any assistance until he acted like a grownup?
He’d be providing poor customer support. He’s not there to educate him, he’s there to provide a service.
I don’t shout much, but when I do, I don’t see it as “showing my ugly side” or anything like that. It’s just words. A person should speak the appropriate words in the appropriate manner in the appropriate situation, and when you’re in a shouting situation, shouting can be appropriate.
In the situation described in the OP, I would have just shrugged and kept on walking, as I would see no reason to interact with the idiot.
True, true. But one has a right to basic dignity. One can set one’s own rules for conduct, especially when those rules are in line with corporate policy.
I was in that exact situation once. I told the guy that if he couldn’t control his language and temper, I would hang up on him. And I did. My manager backed me up on it.
I just don’t see anything undignified about speaking in a different register. Language doesn’t offent me, intent does. I’ve known plenty of perfectly nice people with gutter mouths, and an equal number of polite jerks.
I know what you mean. Several months ago I was walking to work, as I do. I stopped for a red light at an intersection and then started to cross when the pedestrian light flicked to green. At which point some crazy woman in a car tried to turn left and just about ran me over (apparently she was in a big hurry to get to the next red light). And then started screaming at me.
I flipped her off and kept going…she followed and kept yelling. I forget what I said, but it was something uncomplimentary. She eventually drove off.
I felt shaken and upset for the rest of the morning, with the distinct feeling that I should have just ignored the crazy lady. I mean, I was kind of proud that I stood up for myself, but yeah, part of me was ashamed for stooping to her level.
Usually, I just shrug off behavior like that. On occasion, I will shake my head and tsk, tsk while making eye contact with the offender. Once in a great while, when I’m in a particularly jocular mood, I will laugh heartily at anyone getting themselves so worked up over an incident that will mostly be forgotten by the end of the day. Angry people rarely ping my radar.
My husband and I both agree that most things people fly into a rage over on the road are not worth the blood pressure spike. His m.o. is to smile brightly and blow kisses at road ragers. One of two responses are likely: it makes the offensive driver even angrier and they speed off in a huff, or a quizzical look falls across their face and then they smile back. Either way, they are no longer our problem. This entertains my husband greatly. His greatest triumph was passing the guy who had been tailgating husband and rolled down his window to curse him out and then sped off, recklessly weaving in and out of traffic. The guy was subsequently pulled over by highway patrol. Just desserts.
I have lost my cool in stranger altercations a couple times in my life. Not exactly a proud moment, but it occasionally happens. Vow to never do it again and move on. With any luck, no one will ever catch you on a bad day and verbally push you up against the wall.
Are you carrying a gun at the time? Because the really big mistake is getting into an argument with or acting the tough guy to some unstable idiot who is carrying a gun, just because he’s physically smaller than you.
Me, I avoid verbal confrontations, not by backing down, but by not being the jerk who snatches the parking space someone was clearly waiting for. You may feel justified in taking the space because they were facing the wrong way, but you may also get the chance to feel victimized when you find that long scratch down your door. Yeah, he’s the asshole, but he eventually got his parking spot and his car is undamaged, so he made out OK.
I think it’s pretty clear that you’ve answered your own question, don’t you think?
Behaving like that is not inherently “right” or “wrong” because you aren’t actually hurting anyone, you’re just being an idiot.
Trust your gut, and be the person that makes YOU feel good about YOU.
No one “learns a lesson” from being verbally assaulted by a stranger, especially if they started it with a verbal assault of their own. People learn lessons from genuine consequences. You didn’t learn from the other person’s behavior, but you may have learned from your own.
Better, worse, doesn’t matter. Not your job.
Everything we do is ultimately about ourselves, no matter what it looks like on the outside. The more clearly we understand that going in, the better off we are.
