Fuck off and die, Do-It-Yourself parking ticket writer

The BBQ Pit
1

Over the weekend I dropped my wife off at the door at Target (or “Tar-jeh” as some of my friends like to call it :D) and then parked my Ford F-150. Now, I admit, the front of my pickup DID stick into the opposite parking space, maybe 2 feet, 3 tops.

HOWEVER, if you saw where I parked, it was not a big deal. I parked so far away from the entrance that if you pulled in, and were looking for a parking spot, my admittedly shoddy parking job would make ZERO difference to any other driver. There were at least 200 parking spots way better than where I parked. Also, I am not one of those douche bags that diagonally parks their brand new $75,000 sports car over four spots so no one comes close to their four-wheeled penis.

Typically, because I drive such a large vehicle (which I must need for work), I tend to park rather far away from the entrance of a store, and walk. If there is rain, I’ll try and get the best spot possible, but I try to real careful not to take up more than one space, and also try to make sure there is a fair amount of space between me and the other vehicle.

Hopefully by now you get the point that I was not trying to be an obnoxious asshole.

OK, so I meet Mrs. Anger inside, she buys her shit, and we go back out to the truck.
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WHAT the FUCK is THAT??? ON MY WINDSHIELD?

What is sitting on my windshield but a slip of paper. It looked like it was printed on someones home printer, and said something to the effect of it was a PARKING TICKET, and my violation was being a rude, obnoxious jackass for taking up two parking spaces!

I took the thing, and tore it to shreds, and it took my wife some talking to calm me down after challenging everyone in the parking lot to a fight.

DEAR Pussy Wanna-Be Parking Violation Maid:

  1. I was NOT inconveniencing anyone with where or how I parked. Seriously. MAYBE if I took up two parking spots 50 feet from the front entrance, or took a handicapped spot, OK. But come on, I was clear on the other side of the parking lot. Did that REALLY get to you that much? What’s the matter with you, Ticket Writer, did I BOTHER YOU?

  2. Don’t ever, ever, EVER put things on my windshield. You lifted my windshield wiper as well to place your stupid fucking ticket on my truck. Which means you touched my truck.

Don’t touch my truck, either.

As a matter of fact, I am banning you from even making EYE contact with not only my truck, but anything else that belongs to me.

  1. You my friend are a PUSSY (or if you are woman, a cowardly cunt). You have a problem with me taking up 1 and 1/10th of a parking spot a football field away from Target in a half full parking lot? If it means that much to you, why didnt you wait until I left the store, and got out of your car to correct me? Are you SCARED?

Yes, because you are a little passive aggressive, angry worm, who thinks writing little "tickets’ will show ME. Fuck you. How long did you wait before I went in to the store and the coast was clear before you wrote your little ticket? Did you cower in your little Civic or Smartcar or beat up old Tercel, waiting for me to go into the store, and making sure I was in there long enough before you knew the coast was clear enough for to slither over to my truck, put on the ticket, look both ways, then scamper back to your clunker? What a pathetic wus. No character, no backbone. How do you sleep at night going through life this way?

  1. You didn’t show me. I didn’t learn my “lesson”. You know why? You just ruined it for everyone else, buddy. Because now, every time I go to Target, instead of being Mr. Nice Guy and parking my big, giant pickup as far away as possible from Target so other people with smaller cars can get the good spots, I am not going to only park in two spaces, I am going to do it AS AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO THE ENTRANCE. I am going to be waiting for you to see if you show yourself and come out and do something. Get your ticket book ready, asshole. I’m going to teach YOU a lesson, not the other way around, Stupid Ass.

  2. My only wish for you is that you write one of your dumb parking tickets, and put it on the windshield of a pimped up low rider driven by a crew of the Mexican Mafia . . . . or on the motorcycle of a Hell’s Angel . . . or a monster truck of a 6’8, 400 pound redneck. Let’s see how tough you are THEN. I have a feeling it will be you, not the driver, getting taught a lesson in violence that surely you have coming to you when you end up shitting your stupid scrap of paper out of your tight-ass, piece by piece, the next day.

In conclusion, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss Passive Aggressive Ticket Writer, I issue YOU a summons: for being the lowest of the low, a gutless spineless jellyfish filled with self-righteous hatred of others less than worthy behavior, going around thinking in your little world you teach other people how they should conduct their lives by writing your little stupid tickets. I hope you choke on your stupid ticket, die, and rot in hell, you little insipid piece of shit. Don’t do this again. Fuck off. Die. Die slowly.

2

Excellent user name/post interface.

3

Excellent, well crafted rant. Except…

When was an F-150 declared a “large” truck? I mean, compared to my Ranger, yeah, but otherwise?

4

Well, compared to my wife’s Ford Focus, it’s huuuuuuuuuuge.

5

I too have a large vehicle and I also try to park way the hell away from the entrance of stores well back into the large parking lots several spaces away from the nearest car if possible.

Now I can see getting riled up from the presumption of some jackass giving you a ticket but you are frothing at the mouth and going over the rails on this. If I was in your shoes and I was spaces away from any other vehicle I’d actually be kind of amused (more than white hot angry) that someone bothered to do this if I really was several spaces away from any other vehicle. The thought of them purposefully marching over several empty spaces all around me to place the ticket on my windshield is actually kind of funny.

Now, if you really weren’t several spaces away in all directions, it was kind of a jackass parking move, and you deserved the “ticket”.

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One of the substitutes who frequents my school openly told us during lunch one day she does this. She has multiple preprinted “ticket” forms, that vary from this one (the “taking two parking spaces”) to driving like an asshole to parking too closely to another car to who knows what else. We told her eventually, someone is going to catch her and beat her ass.

St. Anger, don’t suppose you saw a dark-skinned, long-haired, busty Latina mosey through the parking lot, eh?

8

You had my sympathies until #4, which just makes you a jerk and does nothing to the person who actually wrote the “ticket”. Parking poorly proves what, exactly? That you can’t drive and park correctly? It makes the writer of the ticket correct and makes you look foolish and immature. No doubt that was your intent.
Clue phone: people look at your truck every day. People often touch your truck, even on purpose. It’s ok. Really.
I find the whole thing amusing–who is pathetic enough that they’ve actually printed off fake tickets and then placed them on cars that have offended them in some way? You couldn’t just laugh and shrug this off?
:dubious:

9

Bolding mine. You first say you’re into the next parking space by 2 or 3 feet. Then you say you’re only taking up a tenth of the other space. Which is it?
Two or three feet is not a tenth of a parking spot. You had to have been pulled way too far forward to be extending two or three feet into the opposite space.

My ex-husband has a Ford F-150. It’s not a big truck. On the odd occasion that I drove it, I had no problem parking it within a normal parking space. Maybe you need to practice your parking skills.

ETA: I really hope this part is hyperbole:

Really? You walked up to random people in the parking lot and challenged them to a fight? :rolleyes:

10

It’s pretty close. The only cite I could find was from Wiki-Answers and they say parking spaces range from 19-26 feet, with 20 being the most common. A Ford F150 ranges from about 17-20 feet depending on the model. He should have done a better parking job, but his math here is pretty good. :slight_smile:

11

Back in the seventies, you could buy a packet of ten of those, which was convenient, since most people didn’t have their own PCs and printers in those days. IIRC, they sold them in the bookstore at El Camino College. Or maybe at the novelty store over at Del Amo Fashion Square.

12

Let’s not talk about it.

13

Maybe it was his wife challenging everyone to a fight. If so, they make a lovely couple.:slight_smile:

14

Park in one spot, problem solved.

15

I have a mental image of the OP Hulking out in the parking lot, and sceaming his challenge to the very heavens.

I also have a mental image of this guy.

16

Says the guy so full of impotent rage that he had to challenge random strangers in a parking lot to a fight and is still ranting about it at least 3 days later. Yeah, you sound like the big winner here.

17

Huh. And here I am, the person who when she gets out of the car sees it’s an inch over the line, gets her ass right back in, starts it, and moves it to within her parking lines. I guess I must be fucked in the head or something.

18

Is it a series of tubes?

19

Someone at another business in the same parking lot I use always takes up two spaces like this-with her (saw her get out of it once) brand-new, ugly-as-sin Camaro. I’ve been mildly tempted to do what the prick in your anecdote did, but it ain’t worth it.

20

St. Anger, you’re a prick, it oozes from every sentence you write. You’re so big and bad bitching on a message board about how much ass you’d kick if you caught the ‘pussy’ that put a note on your truck. Clown.

And douche bag, before calling someone a ‘Mr. or Mrs. or Miss Passive Aggressive Ticket Writer’ you need to learn what Passive–aggressive behavior is cause you sound like fool.