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  #1  
Old 06-13-2010, 05:47 AM
Captain Midnight Captain Midnight is offline
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Pooping in a bag and mailing it to someone, legal?

I would like to know the legalities or otherwise of deficating into a bag or other container and mailing the contents to someone. Would this be legal?

I have wanted to do this for a long time, but I am sure that it is a felony of some kind to do do it. There are plenty of people I would love to mail a turd too, old bosses, people from my past, company CEO's, my congressman, etc.

Somebody mentioned it would be illegal without a biohazard stamp on it.

Any thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 06-13-2010, 05:56 AM
Alpha Twit Alpha Twit is offline
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Ask at the post office. They can give you the official answer.
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  #3  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:47 AM
Gymnopithys Gymnopithys is offline
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Have it irradiated and sterilized before you send it.

I'm pretty sure mailing poop to hated people has been done before. In more than one country.
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  #4  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:47 AM
Al Bundy Al Bundy is offline
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DNA+++

Check to see if it's legal of course. I know it has been done. Two things come to mind about this concept. First, it must be packaged properly or USPS rules would be violated. It may have to be marked in a certain way. It could be classified as biological product that might preclude it or restrict it. But in the end, you are also mailing your DNA to the individual. Do you desire to give up your privacy to that extend?

Also, if you had the notion of mailing it without a return address, think again. The post office won't accept it at the walk-in office and they should segregate it, and possibly just destroy it, if deployed in a drop box.
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  #5  
Old 06-13-2010, 09:37 AM
Stan Shmenge Stan Shmenge is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Al Bundy View Post
Check to see if it's legal of course. I know it has been done. Two things come to mind about this concept. First, it must be packaged properly or USPS rules would be violated. It may have to be marked in a certain way. It could be classified as biological product that might preclude it or restrict it. But in the end, you are also mailing your DNA to the individual. Do you desire to give up your privacy to that extend?

Also, if you had the notion of mailing it without a return address, think again. The post office won't accept it at the walk-in office and they should segregate it, and possibly just destroy it, if deployed in a drop box.
Why is your DNA in your poop? Isn't it just what remains of food you consumed and intestinal bacteria?
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  #6  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:32 AM
hajario hajario is online now
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Originally Posted by Alpha Twit View Post
Ask at the post office. They can give you the official answer.
Why would you even bother to post something like this?

I am pretty sure that you could package and label it in such a way that it would be legal as far as postal service regulations go. That said, it would probably be illegal because you would be harassing them.

As for the DNA question. If there were blood in the mailed shit, there would be DNA. Is even a little bit of blood in the stool common?
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  #7  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:51 AM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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DNA can be tested in feces using the QIAamp DNA Stool Mini Kit. As to mailing it, it could possibly be a crime under 18 U.S. 1716. Injurious articles as nonmailable, or it could run afoul of regulations on mailing biohazardous materials, but I'm far from certain on either of those - I confess a lack of experience in poop-mailing law. Depending on the intent with which it's done, it could also be constured as criminal harassment or terroristic threat.
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  #8  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:53 AM
Gymnopithys Gymnopithys is offline
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"As for the DNA question. If there were blood in the mailed shit, there would be DNA. Is even a little bit of blood in the stool common?"

You can mail someone else's shit.
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  #9  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:55 AM
DrDeth DrDeth is online now
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I will mail a tiny feces sample once every couple years, so it can't be completely illegal.
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  #10  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:57 AM
Happy Poster Happy Poster is offline
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I say go for it and see what happens
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  #11  
Old 06-13-2010, 11:05 AM
Anaglyph Anaglyph is offline
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Originally Posted by Stan Shmenge View Post
Why is your DNA in your poop? Isn't it just what remains of food you consumed and intestinal bacteria?
The mucous membranes of your gut are continually being renewed. As the cells at the base of the membrane divide and multiply, the old cells on the surface of the membrane die and are shed into the interior of the gut.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2010, 11:07 AM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is online now
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In the latest Bloom County collection, Breathed mentions in one of the comments that Hunter S. Thompson mailed some human excrement to Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau (or so he was told by Trudeau, at least).

Thompson strikes me as someone who would not consider the legality of the act to be an overriding concern.


(While performing a google search for corroborating evidence, the search string "Trudeau Hunter Thompson turd mail" returns a link to the Straight Dope Message Board. Always on the cutting edge, aren't we.)
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  #13  
Old 06-13-2010, 11:26 AM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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Originally Posted by pravnik View Post
DNA can be tested in feces using the QIAamp DNA Stool Mini Kit. As to mailing it, it could possibly be a crime under 18 U.S. 1716. Injurious articles as nonmailable, or it could run afoul of regulations on mailing biohazardous materials, but I'm far from certain on either of those - I confess a lack of experience in poop-mailing law. Depending on the intent with which it's done, it could also be constured as criminal harassment or terroristic threat.
This is because all terrorists are turds, ergo all turds are terrorists. A captured turd, isolated, and undergoing temporary or prolonged sensory deprivation during relocation to an unfamiliar and unknown destination is prone to sewercidal thoughts. Devoid of any and all implements for self harm, the favoured merde morte method is choking. Officially, a dead deuce in a container omitting all light is known as a 'strangled darkie.'
Why you would give a shit such shit to illustrate not giving a shit to someone who once shit you is metaphorically and literally giving a shit. So you're shittin' me, aren't you?
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  #14  
Old 06-13-2010, 11:57 AM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast View Post
This is because all terrorists are turds, ergo all turds are terrorists. A captured turd, isolated, and undergoing temporary or prolonged sensory deprivation during relocation to an unfamiliar and unknown destination is prone to sewercidal thoughts. Devoid of any and all implements for self harm, the favoured merde morte method is choking. Officially, a dead deuce in a container omitting all light is known as a 'strangled darkie.'
Why you would give a shit such shit to illustrate not giving a shit to someone who once shit you is metaphorically and literally giving a shit. So you're shittin' me, aren't you?
I'm having a wee bit of trouble parsing this, but I think you're asking why mailing poop could be terroristic threat. Terroristic threat doesn't necessarily involve WMD's or what we usually think of as "terrorism" - it involves generally putting somebody in fear of bodily injury. Calling someone on the phone and telling them "I'm going to come over to your house and beat the living shit out of you" is terroristic threat. Mailing somebody a turd could be construed as terroristic threat, harassment, or stalking.
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  #15  
Old 06-13-2010, 12:07 PM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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Originally Posted by pravnik View Post
I'm having a wee bit of trouble parsing this, but I think you're asking why mailing poop could be terroristic threat.
Ah, no pravnik - I get the concept. No crap. I do.
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  #16  
Old 06-13-2010, 12:16 PM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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Okay, I believe you and shit.
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  #17  
Old 06-13-2010, 12:21 PM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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Originally Posted by pravnik View Post
Okay, I believe you and shit.
pravnik!! Did you just post shit to me?
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  #18  
Old 06-13-2010, 02:03 PM
Canadjun Canadjun is offline
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Originally Posted by pravnik View Post
As to mailing it, it could possibly be a crime under 18 U.S. 1716. Injurious articles as nonmailable
Off topic, but I can't resist - quoting from the above link:
Quote:
(a) All kinds of poison, and all articles and compositions containing poison, and all poisonous animals, insects, reptiles, and all explosives, hazardous materials, inflammable materials, infernal machines,
Infernal machines?! I know the US is powerful, but have they invaded Hell as well?
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  #19  
Old 06-13-2010, 02:27 PM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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Lol, but "infernal machine" is a recognized technical term for "an explosive device designed to harm or destroy, especially with criminal intent."

Last edited by Kimstu; 06-13-2010 at 02:28 PM..
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  #20  
Old 06-13-2010, 02:30 PM
Saint Cad Saint Cad is online now
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Originally Posted by 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast View Post
This is because all terrorists are turds, ergo all turds are terrorists.
That is why I always waterboard mine.
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  #21  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:58 PM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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That is why I always waterboard mine.
You bet. Those claiming not to are on a smear campaign.
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  #22  
Old 06-13-2010, 09:00 PM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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BTW, Captain Midnight - legal or not, your idea sure is feral.
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  #23  
Old 06-13-2010, 09:17 PM
ZenBeam ZenBeam is offline
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To get around the DNA issue, you could maybe pay some homeless guy to poop in a bag for you....
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  #24  
Old 06-13-2010, 10:56 PM
Duckster Duckster is offline
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Originally Posted by ZenBeam View Post
To get around the DNA issue, you could maybe pay some homeless guy to poop in a bag for you....
Just be sure to ask the homeless man's name first. Otherwise, if the homeless name's name is Sherlock, you will have no luck and out of cash. That's because Sherlock is perpetually constipated.

Whut? You've never heard of No Shit Sherlock?
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  #25  
Old 06-13-2010, 11:12 PM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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I note that Captain Midnight hasn't made comment at all since posting the topic. Guess he doesn't give a shit.
No, wait...!..
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  #26  
Old 06-14-2010, 02:38 AM
BigBertha BigBertha is offline
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Didn't they actually do this for the movie Pink Flamingos?
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  #27  
Old 06-14-2010, 03:09 AM
Acantha Acantha is offline
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Does anyone else remember a company whose sole business was mailing dog poop to people? They had a website with a page telling all about their business but they seem to be no longer in business, which makes me think mailing poop is probably not legal...at least not if you're doing it for gag/harassment purposes.

I know you can order chicken poop from gardening sites, though.

These guys owned a doggie doo cleanup service IIRC, got paid to pick up poop, then got paid again to mail it to the mark of your choice.



But to your original question, I'd bet the answer is likely no. I'd love to listen in on that phone call to the post office.
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  #28  
Old 06-14-2010, 03:23 AM
charlie145 charlie145 is offline
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Ask and ye shall receive: www.mailpoop.com

Quoted from their legal page:

Quote:
The only other thing we really ask of you is a non-violent message, if you choose to include a message. Our policy is not to send any package with a questionable message such as threats to a person's life, or anything that the airport would frown on you saying as you walk through the metal detector such as " You sure the bomb is safe". We will e-mail you if we have any questions and give you one chance to revise your message. Ok, enough said.

Customers ordering mailpoop packages agree to release mailpoop.com and its agents from all liability associated with use of our services. You may NOT use our services to violate a legal restraint or an event constitute harassment. This is a novelty service for the purpose of entertainment. Additionally, mailpoop.com's liability to our customer is limited to the price of the package in question.
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  #29  
Old 06-14-2010, 03:55 AM
6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast 6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast is offline
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Originally Posted by BigBertha View Post
Didn't they actually do this for the movie Pink Flamingos?
Sure BigBertha; if the dog was the sender, its poo was human and Divine was the mailbox...
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  #30  
Old 06-14-2010, 04:19 AM
Acantha Acantha is offline
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Originally Posted by charlie145 View Post
Ask and ye shall receive: www.mailpoop.com

Quoted from their legal page:
Thank you! I was telling someone about this and they told me I made it up! I bow to your google fu.
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  #31  
Old 06-14-2010, 10:21 AM
Lips_Obsession Lips_Obsession is offline
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As soon as I started reading this thread I thought about the "gag" company. Guess you guys beat me to it on finding them.
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  #32  
Old 06-14-2010, 11:31 AM
iamthewalrus(:3= iamthewalrus(:3= is offline
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Originally Posted by Al Bundy View Post
Also, if you had the notion of mailing it without a return address, think again. The post office won't accept it at the walk-in office and they should segregate it, and possibly just destroy it, if deployed in a drop box.
This might be a legal barrier, but it's certainly not a practical one. You can just make up a return address.

Is it illegal to provide a fake return address (assuming you're not trying to get free delivery by using the return address as the destination)?
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  #33  
Old 06-14-2010, 12:08 PM
Ravenman Ravenman is online now
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After a bit of perusing the US Code, I came across this:

Quote:
Every obscene, lewd, lascivious, indecent, filthy or vile article, matter, thing, device, or substance... Is declared to be nonmailable matter and shall not be conveyed in the mails or delivered from any post office or by any letter carrier.
Find that at 18 USC 1461.

I would say that excrement would absolutely qualify as being "filthy." You could be put in prison for up to five years on the first offense, and ten years on subsequent offenses.
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  #34  
Old 06-14-2010, 04:32 PM
t-bonham@scc.net t-bonham@scc.net is online now
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Originally Posted by BigBertha View Post
Didn't they actually do this for the movie Pink Flamingos?
NO, special effects. It was actually chocolate pudding.
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  #35  
Old 06-14-2010, 04:59 PM
Hari Seldon Hari Seldon is offline
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Here in Canada it is illegal. You know those stool test kits that test for occult (hidden) blood. You spread small samples on a card and it used to be legal to mail it to your doctor, but now you must hand deliver it. So even though it is totally harmless and not meant as an assault, it is still illegal.
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  #36  
Old 06-14-2010, 06:16 PM
hajario hajario is online now
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NO, special effects. It was actually chocolate pudding.
In Pink Flamingos? Did you see it? That was the real deal.
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  #37  
Old 06-15-2010, 03:54 PM
Munch Munch is offline
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I like that there's an entire paragraph in there exempting the mailing of live scorpions.
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  #38  
Old 06-15-2010, 04:27 PM
DogRatCat DogRatCat is offline
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Legal or not, it's a crappy thing to do.

Legal or not, it's a crappy thing to do.
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  #39  
Old 06-15-2010, 04:39 PM
Spoke Spoke is offline
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Criminal considerations aside, it occurs to me that mailing poop to someone might be considered civil battery, subjecting the sender to a lawsuit for damages.
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Old 06-15-2010, 06:24 PM
Fubaya Fubaya is offline
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Dont mail poop, the secretary will look in the box and toss in half a second. Send them glitter wrapped up in a piece of paper and it will be all over their office, and them, for weeks. Theres also a company that mails glitter for you.
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  #41  
Old 06-15-2010, 08:18 PM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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I like that there's an entire paragraph in there exempting the mailing of live scorpions.
The scorpion lobby has deep, deep pockets. Deep pockets full of scorpions.
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  #42  
Old 06-16-2010, 12:25 PM
iamthewalrus(:3= iamthewalrus(:3= is offline
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Originally Posted by Munch View Post
I like that there's an entire paragraph in there exempting the mailing of live scorpions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by US Code
Nothing contained in this paragraph shall be construed to authorize the transmission in the mails of live scorpions by means of aircraft engaged in the carriage of passengers for compensation or hire.
There goes my script for a Snakes on a Plane sequel.
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  #43  
Old 06-16-2010, 02:08 PM
Jake Jake is offline
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Be sure to mail it low-class.
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  #44  
Old 06-16-2010, 02:50 PM
cards cards is offline
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Return to sender
Address unknown

(Elvis)
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  #45  
Old 06-16-2010, 03:06 PM
lieu lieu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stan Shmenge View Post
Why is your DNA in your poop?
I think only half is in there. I always check when I'm through and, so far, it's always a single helix.

Last edited by lieu; 06-16-2010 at 03:08 PM..
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  #46  
Old 06-16-2010, 03:27 PM
Drew Kit Drew Kit is offline
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If you want to do this without being caught, then you need to keep your DNA and fingerprints away from it. You can get a ready supply of crap from the collection bins around municipal parks where dog-owners empty their 'pooper-scoopers'.

There are smellier things than shit though, if your intention is disgust. Parcel some frozen durian, that is much less illegal and immoral but far smellier. You freeze it simply to stop it smelling in transit.
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  #47  
Old 06-16-2010, 03:57 PM
[Undecided] Adrian [Undecided] Adrian is offline
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Infernal machines?! I know the US is powerful, but have they invaded Hell as well?
Yes, indeed (lowbrow, long)
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  #48  
Old 06-16-2010, 04:13 PM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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(Pssst, that was Canadjun who said that, not me.)
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  #49  
Old 06-16-2010, 06:38 PM
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I agree with the durian guy...or, find some food that looks and smells as bad as poo when it's rotten, package it fresh and then just "forget" to mail it until it's super nasty, then take that "shit" to the post office. If anyone catches you, just plead ignorance, say you were trying to make up by sending your old enemy a lovely piece of flan or some organic bananas...
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  #50  
Old 06-16-2010, 07:55 PM
kidneyfailure kidneyfailure is offline
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The mucous membranes of your gut are continually being renewed. As the cells at the base of the membrane divide and multiply, the old cells on the surface of the membrane die and are shed into the interior of the gut.
True story:

A friend of mine and I had a job that we really hated in some store. The manager was some twenty-something tool who drove a "chopper" motorcycle to make himself feel like a big man. We hated him. We decided to get back at him by wiping a piece of shit on his motorcrycle seat. We had it all planned out, we were ready to execute the plan, and then my friend said, "What about DNA?"

"What?"

"DNA, man. They could track it back to me." (he supplied the deuce in question)

"Can they do that with shit?"

"I think so."

Sure enough, we found that they could and the plan was aborted. It never occured to us that we could have just found some dog shit somewhere, or something. We tried to hatch all manner of embarrassing revenge plots but eventually just gave up.

BTW, the friend in this incident was the same one who once got smacked in the face with a fake cock as described in this post:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...1&postcount=17

I miss Gary.
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