Assuming you could forgive any of them, of course. Please note that I’m not saying that any of these scenarious would be easy to forgive; but perhaps one would be less hurtful than the others.
Okay, here’s the sitch. One fine morning, your spouse or significant other takes you aside and asks you to sit down. They tell you that they’ve committed an act of infidelity which they entirely regret and which they are about to beg your forgiveness. Before this conversation, you hadn’t the slightest inkling that any such thing had occurred.
Which of these scenarios would you find easiest to forgive?
While on a business trip out of town, your spouse got drunk with a group of their coworkers and woke up naked in bed with one of them.
While angry at you, your spouse was kissed by an acquaintance who has long had a crush on her; your spouse not merely allowed but returned the kiss. Your spouse was entirely sober at the time.
Your spouse met a person online and has been having cybersex with them for several months; they’ve never been in the same room.
Your spouse met a person online and has been having phone sex with them for several months; they’ve never been in the same room.
Several months ago, your spouse reconnected with a high school/college sweetheart. They haven’t shared so much as a kiss or an innuendo, but they’ve spent many hours being EMOTIONALLY intimate–sharing their hopes, dreams, fears, regrets, etc, in ways your spouse believes she or he should only do with you.
Please explain your reasoning (or feeling, if you think that’s a better descripition) in the thread. Public poll, one answer per respondent, blah blah blah.
I should have said so in the OP, but in voting, please assume that this is the first time anything like this has ever happened in the relationship.
I voted for the cybersex being easiest to forgive, by the way. Of all the options, it seems the least … personal … betrayal: only one step away from looking at porn.
Um…this may be a silly question - but in #1, does that mean they had sex? I assume so, but “naked in bed” leaves some wiggle room.
#2 would not need forgiveness; no wrong has occurred. #3 and #4 would be more difficult, but would still be forgiveable pretty easily (with the exception of those relationships I’ve been in where the guy has a lower sex drive than I do; if I’m not getting mine, I’m gonna get really pissed that he’d rather wank off with someone far away than have sex with me)
#1 would be a serious issue, and be the source of Many Long Talks (assuming it does mean they had sex instead of just passing out in the same bed and kicking off their clothes in the middle of the night for comfort reasons)
#5 - I dunno. Is he saying that he’s falling in love with this person? Without even flirting with them? Or is it just that he feels more comfortable opening up with her about some things? The latter is no biggie; the former would again be the source of Many Long Talks.
You know, you’re right, I should not have phrased it thus in the poll. I meant that the spouse assumes the beast with two backs was made, but does not actually remember.
(I have only been drunk a few times, so I don’t know from my own experience whether people actually forget the things they do while extremely drunk; I’m assuming it’s true.)
Given that the person says s/he regrets what has happened entirely and is begging for forgviveness, I take it to mean that the spouse remains in love with you and not with the other person.
I’m not sure I’d really count #5 as cheating as all. I certainly want my spouse to be emotionally open with me, but I don’t demand that she can’t also be similarly open with others.
I voted for a tie between two. The cyber sex and the emotional affair would be the easiest to forgive.
Yes, I follow your logic regarding cyber sex being only one step away from porn. Yes, I’d still consider it a betrayal worthy of ending a relationship (as I would everything else you listed).
“Still in love with me” and “In love with the other person” are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
But OK. In that case, we’d have a conversation about why they think they’re only supposed to share their hopes, dreams, etc. with me and not with anyone else. If they’re not falling in love or lust with the person, only being very close friends with them, then it falls in my mind under the same category as #2 above - no harm, no foul, nothing to forgive.
A difficult question to answer, but in terms of easiest to forgive, I had to go with the angry kiss. The anger part of that is irrelevant to me – I’m not convinced the emotional state makes for a valid excuse. But I think that any one-off situation (like the getting drunk and waking up naked in bed) is easier to forgive than a situation where the SO knows they are doing wrong (even if only by their own standards) and continues to do so for a lengthy period of time.
I almost voted for a tie between the drunken sex and the kiss, but even if it’s illogical, the kiss just bothers me less. It’s a close vote, though.
I hope my wife would never be stupid enough to confess an indiscretion and beg forgiveness.
If she’s done something she regrets, she should learn from it and move on.
I think the wife would be foolish to admit to indiscretions 2-5. Some would say that she absolutely has to fess up on 1, since the drunken and unremembered sex probably did not involve condoms.
If I found out Mrs. Giraffe had cybersex with someone, I’m not sure I could stop laughing long enough to get mad. But I don’t really get cybersex – it just seems way too lame to take seriously.
Cyber sex? Drunken kissing? Phone sex? The idea of my wife taking part in any of those activities is so laughable I didn’t bother taking part in the poll. I have a hard enough time imagining her having actual sex with anyone, including me.
But if she’s been that open with an old sweetheart for several months without you knowing about it, she hasn’t been open with you.
I chose #2, the kiss. It strikes me as less intimate than the other things.
I’m surprised at the people who chose #1. That’s the one I’d find hardest to forgive. The drunken part makes it worse: it’d mean she has a drinking problem in addition to an infidelity problem. If she can do things like winding up in bed with someone, without really intending to or knowing how it happened, I’d find that really scary and it would make it hard for me to trust her.
I’m also a little surprised at how many people claim #5 is nothing. I’d be afraid it could be the Beginning of the End, and I’m reminded of this thread.
I’d not only forgive “emotional infidelity,” I’d encourage it. Insisting that I’m the only one she could share hopes, dreams, regrets, etc. with seems pathological to me.
Now if it turns out that I’m one of those regrets, or the other guy is one of those dreams, we should talk. Otherwise, it would be a relief to me that I wasn’t her only emotional outlet.
The drunken sex would be the hardest to forgive. What, it’s not OK to fuck around unless you get drunk first?
I have no issue at all with the supposed “emotional infidelity”. It would be both foolish and selfish of me to assume that my spouse can only share her hopes, dreams, fears and regrets with just me. The only point it would be an issue is if she ONLY shared those things with another person and refused to discuss them with me.
