If you were suddenly rich, would you give money to your friends?

[gallan]

I recently saw the movie "Friends with Money" and there's a part when a wealthy woman briefly considers whether or not to give 1 million dollars to one of her not-so-well-off friends. This got me thinking if giving money to friends is something rich people do.

Scenario:
You and your closest friends all have relatively low salaries (< $25k/year). Some of your friends struggle financially. Suddenly, you find yourself rich through legitimate means. Maybe you found a winning lottery ticket, or inherited money from a grandmother you didn't know was rich, or hit the jackpot in Vegas, or started a business and some mega-company decided to buy it from you. Whatever the reason, after taxes and fees, you find yourself with a lump sum of $250 million in cash.

Part 1:
Would you ever give an amount greater than $1 million to any of your closest friends?

If so, how would you approach the subject without sounding condescending? Would you be afraid of insulting your friends who might perceive the offer as charity?

If not, how would you handle the fact that you can now afford most anything while your closest friends were struggling to pay their bills each month? How would you respond to a friend who "jokingly" suggested that you give him a couple million?

Part 2:
The roles are reversed. You're struggling to pay your bills each month and a very close friend now has $250 million in the bank. Would you expect him/her to give you money? Would you be insulted if you were offered money? Would you ever consider asking for money, and if so, how?

[begbert2]

Part 1: No. I am not a money fountain. I'd be quite free about picking up tabs and springing for movies and other excursions, but I'd no more expect to support people than I expect my wealthier-than-me father to support me. (Aside from expecting him to pick up the tab, I mean.)

Part 2: No, I wouldn't ask for money, and would actually be confused if it was offered. I would expect him to pay back any money I'd loaned him, though.

[Cat Whisperer]

I don't think I'd give a large lump sum to friends, but I would be tempted to do something life-changing like pay off their mortgage for them.

As for Part 2, having had a somewhat similar experience with a well-off family member winning a very expensive house, I'd say that I would expect nothing and I would ask for nothing. You're less disappointed that way. And no, I wouldn't be insulted if I were offered money - I'd say thank you and take it gladly.

[alice_in_wonderland]

1. Sure, why not. Recently there was a big $50 million jackpot here and hubby and I actually bought a ticket. We made a list of everyone we would give $1 million to. We told some of them right up front. My one friend has been trying to reno her place for about 2 years and I said we would give her a million just so she could finish it and quit bitching.

2. I wouldn't ask, 'cus that's just obnoxious, but if someone said, hey G - here's a mill! I would take it (assuming there weren't any weird conditions or whatever - e.g. no sex with Robert Redford, etc).

[Shagnasty]

This really happened to me and it is something I have thought about a great deal. The answer is absolutely not for everything except in some very specific circumstances. I already made up my mind never to get married again because of this. Money screws up relationships even when the people involved have the best of intentions (Exhibit A: the M.C. Hammer syndrome). Never trust anyone if you have it because the most honest woman will become a lying whore if you leave your bank statement out. Males and even the intersexed are even worse.

The most adults are going to get are some nice tips if they are in the service industry or maybe get treated to some really nice meals or a party. Young people might get an anonymous scholarship to college. A puppy might get the surgery it needs to live. It could be to save a memorial Oak tree or restore a WWII era airplane for instance because that is the stuff I like.

Everything else goes to future generations as best I can arrange it. I don't really care very much about people that aren't closely biologically related to me or, much better, descended directly from me so finding the will to enforce this isn't much of a stretch.

[Skald the Rhymer]

If I become a jillionaire, my baby sister gets enough money to live off indefinitely--say $10 million.

My best poor friend gets a million, but it's a trust friend so her girlfriend cannot touch it.

[DigitalC]

No and No.

[nikonikosuru]

1.) I would pay off the student loans of my closest friends. We're all at least a good $40k in debt and I know the feeling of being back to 0 would be an awesome feeling, it's the least I could do for my friends. I would go from there, depending on the person. I could cover a lot of friends just by getting rid of their student loans and they'd probably be appreciative.

2.) No. It'd be cool, but I wouldn't expect it.

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer

<snip>
My best poor friend gets a million, but it's a trust friend so her girlfriend cannot touch it.

That's pretty Freudian Slippy of you.

Shagnasty, I've wondered about giving large sums of money to people if we actually did come into some serious money - I agree that it would change things negatively. There are just too many stories of big money bringing out the worst in people. You give money to some people, and it's not enough, or there are a bunch of other people who don't understand why they didn't get their piece of the pie, etc. Nastiness.

[Least Original User Name Ever]

I'd start funds for all of their kids for college, pick up tabs, and pay off mortgages.

I wouldn't expect anyone else to do the same for me, though. I have a pretty simple rule in life: I expect more of myself than I expect from others. I'll go the extra mile for pretty much anyone, but I don't expect them to do the same for me.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer

That's pretty Freudian Slippy of you. .

It wasn't a Freudian slip. I have a poor friend who is a lesbian; I don't trust her girlfriend, though I keep my opinion to myself.

Oh. Never mind. I see that I typed friend rather than fund.

[SylverOne]

I'd pay off mortgages and cars for a number of my friends. I'd also set up college funds for their kids, or add to them if they already existed. There'd definitely be some travel in there as well...

If anyone outright asked me for money, they'd get shut down quickly.

As for the second part, I wouldn't dream of asking them. But I would take it if offered.

[Chimera]

I would give away a certain small amount up front, but very little of it would be in outright cash. Certainly none of the Stoner Dreaming "Man, I've give all my friends a million bucks, a house and a new (insert cool car here) and we'd all party all day long! WOOOO!!!" bullshit.

The flaw in that logic is several fold. One is that it distorts your relationships. It also creates the image of you as the Money Font. If Mike invests and lives off of it, but Billy-Bob pisses it away, you can bet your ass that Billy-Bob is going to bounce right back into your face asking for more money, claiming he's learned his lesson and if you'll only give him a second shot, blah, blah blah....
You'll also be enabling a whole lot of people with that thought in the back of their head, who would probably already piss that money away if they had won it themselves. Imagine giving ten stoner friends a million bucks each and then watching six of them piss it away and demand more, or killing themselves with heavier drugs, liquor...and bringing other unsavory people into YOUR life who will likewise be thinking you're a mark to be sponged off of or stolen from.
And that too, you're now a Mark for every con-man and especially for every leech you even remotely know, or who can ingratiate themselves with your friends.

And then there's the friends that you DON'T give money too, and their jealousy and anger that they were not on your gift list.

Looks attractive from certain angles, but this would be the absolute WORST possible curse that you could bring upon yourself if you fell into massive wealth.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by Chimera

And then there's the friends that you DON'T give money too, and their jealousy and anger that they were not on your gift list.

You see that as a bug; I see it as a feature.

If I give most of my siblings $10 grand (except for baby sister, who gets the $10 million mentioned upthread), but leave out my oldest brother, then he'll be all, "Damn it! Why are you being that way? I'm never talking to you again, heathen!"

Then I say "I'll pay you $10,000 to sign a contract to that effect."

Rhymers are very petty.

[silenus]

No, but their kids would get full-ride scholarships through grad school.

[Dangerosa]

Nope. I'd be generous with picking up the tab, etc. But I wouldn't give anyone a large lump sum. All those reasons Chimera listed, plus gift tax.

Nor would I ask, unless there were some sort of dire emergency that could be fixed by money. But I would be pissed if he expected to go dutch on pizza.

[Chimera]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer;12743211You see that as a bug; I see it as a [I

feature[/i].

Ah, but that is FAMILY.

I have a bucket load of cousins that I haven't seen, not once, since the age of about 21. You can bet the load that they'd all be lining up outside my door asking me for money, and I can promise you that NONE OF THEM will get so much as a single penny.

As for the idea of paying for everything and being insulted if people think they're giong to pay....I'd be insulted if everyone just assumed that *I* was going to pay for every little thing whenever I was around. I've had leech friends who did that because I made more than them, and I swear on God's Balls that I have heard "But you can afford it" for the very last time. Expect me to pay, or worse yet, destroy or damage my property and utter those words and I eject you from my life with the speed and force of a rail gun.

[Q.N. Jones]

I have one friend I would want to give money to. She and her husband have been very close friends for 20 years, so I am quite confident that they would not change as a result of the money.

However, I would do specific things for them, like pay off their mortgage and their student debt, and take them on nice vacations. I would pay for their children's educations. I think giving lump sums screws up relationships on both sides. I know that I personally would not be able to resist judging them for how they spent the money. And they would probably resent any judgment on my part. So it's better to give directed gifts.

[begbert2]

Originally Posted by Chimera

[As for the idea of paying for everything and being insulted if people think they're giong to pay....I'd be insulted if everyone just assumed that *I* was going to pay for every little thing whenever I was around. I've had leech friends who did that because I made more than them, and I swear on God's Balls that I have heard "But you can afford it" for the very last time. Expect me to pay, or worse yet, destroy or damage my property and utter those words and I eject you from my life with the speed and force of a rail gun.

It matters what kind of a relationship you have set up, and this sort of thing can be very situational. It also matters whose idea it was too - you can invite your friends out on your dollar, but you can't invite your friends out on their dollar - they have to initiate that.

[boytyperanma]

It would be a case by case basis for each friend.

For the most part I'd never consider just giving lump sums to my friends. I'm richer then some friends and poorer then others. Even if I got 10 million dollars tomorrow I wouldn't want to change how I treat my friends.

If I have more money then any given friend I'm more then happy to pick up the bill or cover more then my fair share. As many of my friends have highly fluctuating income who is more wealthy at the time can change from time to time. I might go through a few years of always buying on nights out then find their fortune has changed and instead they are buying for me. In general it doesn't balance out buy I and my friends tend to be OK with that either way.

If I come into a windfall I'd consider investing in some of their businesses but I'd expect to be paid back if the business succeeds and would steer away from a project I think would fail.

If a friend came to me in dire circumstances needing money I'd likely help them out. I wouldn't feel any guilt however letting them struggle by making 20k a year. If they know me well enough that I consider them a friend I doubt they'd ever suggest I just give them money. If they did I might offer means for them to get money from me(like a highly paid job cleaning my house) or sit down with them and come up with a game plan on how to improve their life(pay college costs so they can try for a better job etc.)

If a friend simple expected money from me because I was rich I'd tell them to go pound sand.

If one of my friends came into the money and I was struggling I'd continue to struggle. I wouldn't ask for money or even suggest it. If they offered money I'd probably accept it and if ever possible would pay them back even if they protested against it.

[Tethered Kite]

Years ago my mother gave me a useful piece of advice, "Don't mix money with friendships." I have only violated this personal rule once and that under extreme circumstances. Fortunately it didn't cause any problems for our friendship.

I would consider using my money to do helpful things for my friends but never hand them substantial amounts of money. I don't consider money to be an appropriate gift.

[Superhal]

1. Sure. But, I only have one "best" friend. The rest, probably not.

2. Nope, I wouldn't even ask.

[obfusciatrist]

I might make it clear that I'm available for assistance if assistance is truly needed. But no, I wouldn't be handing out unsolicited cash gifts.

I've been on the poorer end of friendships with people much better off than me and I'd have taken it as very condescending for them to just start giving me money.

That said, I'd probably be generous on activities. I'd want to do things I could afford and doing those things with friends would make them much more fun and so I wouldn't want a lack of funds to be the only reason they couldn't join me. So if, for example, I wanted to do a big Caribbean cruise and I had friends I wished could join me I'd let them know that I'd cover whatever they couldn't afford if they'd like to join me (but I'd understand if even that would be uncomfortable).

I'm by far the best off in my immediate family so when it comes to gathering for holidays and stuff I let them know that getting there is more important than who pays for it so I'll cover whats needed to get that gathering, but it has never even occurred to me that I might just start writing checks to people for no specific purpose (I gave my sister enough money for a needed medical procedure but I'd never have just given her that same amount of money just to boost her income).

[D.E.S.K.Top668]

It was about five years ago and I'm tired, so forgive me if I don't go into detail. When my wife and I were driving across country a few years ago, we got into this conversation.
We figured out that if we won X amount and created a LLC to manage and invest the the funds, we could make friends and family (I think it was twenty-three people) employees and give them a forty-two thousand a year salary without touching the principal.
If my math and legal understanding are correct, that's what I would do. You get X a year. If you don't like it, sell your shares back to the LLC, get your minimum amount, and DON'T whine about it.

[j666]

Another vote for giving the best gifts and picking up the tab all the time. The best gifts would be diamond earrings and gold coins - pretty liquid.

It's interesting reading what people would do: pay off college loans, pay off mortgages, college funds for the kids. It's important the Big Gift doesn't get wasted, isn't it?

For me, the Big Gift is the Roth IRAs - friends, family, and especially the kids. Let the kids learn some responsibility by paying down debt, I'll be damned if I'll pay a house that's better than mine, and never put money for college in the child's name.

But just imagine a life where you know a nice little retirement cushion is growing for you - makes those student loans and killer mortgages a bit less stressful, doesn't it?

[Rushgeekgirl]

When we were kids my best friend and I actually worked out a plan depending on how much we'd share if one of us were to win certain amounts. We were both very generous!

Shame neither of us never won, but if one of us did win it big when we were younger she never would have had this amazing job and family she has now and I definitely wouldn't have found my Mig or made my Bella so it's probably best the dreams remained dreams.

[BigBertha]

I have 0 income right now (yes, I am worried) and have 1 person I could call a friend, instead of acquaintance. He has no income either and yes, I would give him money.
If it was reversed, i would never ask for money, but would hope he would help a little.

[lindsaybluth]

I would give my best friend that much cash. He's been there for me when times were tough, and I love him unconditionally. Of course, I'd stipulate that he HAD to get a personal trainer (his weight is out of control, and he was healthy/fit when things weren't so tight).

I have other friends that I'd help out in smaller (but significant) ways - one of my SO's best friends has a 20 year old car; I'd get him a new car (and pay the taxes) and give him a lump sum so he could get an apartment instead of living at home while going to school.

I'd never expect anything, though. I grew up with plenty of money and I know it makes some people nuts.

[msmith537]

Interestingly, I was just watching a documentary on HBO today about people who win the lottery. The situations ranged from a family who moved to an affluent community and treated the management of their wealth as their new job to some crazy paranoid old guy who slep with a gun because his family was trying to kill him.

My answer is "no". I would not give any money to anyone. I would help out for real emergencies, but as a general rule I wouldn't be throwing money around.

I would set up my newfound riches to provide steady income, move to a nice appartment in Manhattan, maybe get a shore house and a ski house. A few cars. Then for fun, I might open small vanity businesses to see if I can make them profitable.

[Cat Whisperer]

I like the retirement fund idea for people, too. I guess where I (and a lot of us, apparently) are coming from is that I'm not adverse to helping friends and family, but I'm not keen on turning them into leeches who expect to live off of me and do nothing with their own lives.

[Acantha]

Doubtful, though I would probably pick up the tab a lot.

I do have an old friend I would look up and buy a motorcycle for if possible, but that's only because my stalker ex bf took his and destroyed it. Technically I was not responsible, but I have always felt like if he was not my friend back then he wouldn't have gotten caught in the crossfire. The bike was paid for with cash he had saved up working 2 jobs and he didn't have full coverage, so it was a total loss, and while we all knew who was responsible it was impossible to prove without witnesses.

Otherwise, trust funds for the kids, strict allowance for myself and my husband.


It's fun to fantasize about having say, hundreds of millions and being able to give everyone you love a million dollars, but human nature being what it is? People are likely to think they can keep asking for more and friendships will suffer.

[GuanoLad]

I've thought about this. I might give some money to particularly deserving friends, but most likely I'd develop something that all my friends would like to be involved with, and they get to be a part of it. Without being specific, perhaps paid work in a startup company, or a free service provided for them (while others would pay). Something along those lines.

[CanvasShoes]

My instant thought was yes. But no matter what, it would change the dynamics of the relationship.

A million would go a ways, but you would suddenly go from being this person's friend, to being their means of a living (unless they kept their job and just used the mill to supplement their income, which with a million, who could/would do that?). NOT that that would necessarily make my answer no, it's just worth thinking of. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Now, family? That's another story. In a heartbeat.

[Tapioca Dextrin]

Close friends and family - pay off all their debts. Set up college funds for those that need it, then it's helicopters and Ferarris for me.

[Patch]

I've read stories about folks that have won multi-million dollar lotteries. People come out of the woodwork looking for money, and when you pass out money to some friends and not others, you lose those other friends. Folks sue for more money. Folks sue because you gave them money, they did something stupid, and it's your fault for giving them the money to do it.

I'd keep the money to myself, but I'd grab the checks when we ate out, and if one of my friends got into serious trouble I'd try to help out.

[sandra_nz]

I would not give money to friends. I would, however, give money to both sets of parents and my brothers and their family. But that would be it.

[Gustav]

Why is it such a binary question? Would I give them millions of dollars? No, of course not. The hell? If someone is struggling to pay the bills I might be willing to help out and cover the remainder for a few months... I would probably pick up the bill if we order a pizza and that sort of thing. Am I going to turn into some kind of human lottery ticket? Hell no.

I'd donate millions to charity though.

[Markxxx]

Not me I'd taunt them with them. I have me a list and a lot of people better hope I never win the lottery

[Sleel]

No direct handouts. First thing I'd do in any case is to set up a trust or similar legal entity. I'd help out a few family and friends who aren't doing that well right now, pay a couple of personal debts I've never been able to clear. I'd set up a couple of relatives who have supported me in various ways over the years so that they don't have to have such sparse retirements as they do.

Other than that, I'd invest in my friends and family, but I wouldn't give them money. Want to do _____? Sure, I'll fund it, but you're going to draw up a business plan and figure out how to pay back my investment in you. I'm not about to give out the proverbial fish when I can provide fishing poles and lessons in how to use the damn thing instead.

I wouldn't ask for a handout. There are a couple of business ideas I've been wanting to try out, but I probably wouldn't be able to get independent funding, a loan is unlikely, and no one I know has that kind of money available. In this circumstance, I might put together a proposal and take it to my friend/relative. But I would absolutely not ask for money for no particular purpose, and with no intention of paying it back.

[Dinsdale]

I don't know about simply giving money. But I do wish I would be extremely generous, routinely picking up tabs, maybe paying for group vacations/expensive get-togethers and the like.

Another possibility would be if I "hired" them to perform various duties - like my friend the CPA could be my accountant - at grossly inflated salaries.

[cosmosdan]

1. I doubt I'd give a large lump sum unless there was a specific need I knew of. If a freind was on the verge of losing thier home, had an unexpected medical bill, I'd step in.

I would be more likley to buy lavaish gifts that would be a big help. A car, Plane tickets, whatever seemed needed.

As a musician I'd also put some of my musician friends to work and pay them generously.
or, if someone struggling wanted to go back to school I'd seriously consider funding that.

2. I wouldn't expect anything and I wouldn't ask unless I was in very dire circumstances. I'd be more appreciative if they offered me work or something like that.

for instance; a long time friend offered to finance a project that may or may not show any return. It's incredibly generous , but the fact that there's an opportunity for profit for both of us makes me feel better about it.

OTOH if a friend won millions and decided to share the wealth and just give me a million, or some large gift. I'd say thanks and take it.

[Annie-Xmas]

I would be nice to peole who have helped me in my time of need. Anyone else will get a hearty FUCK YOU.

When you're rich, your friends know you.
When you're poor, you know your friends.

[Malthus]

It's context-specific. I have in point of fact supported a good friend in the past, by paying her rent and groceries for a bit when she went through a rough patch; I've known her since we were in high school together, and my income surpassed hers by a considerable margin (I became a lawyer and she went the starving artist route). I have no doubt she'd have done the same for me if our positions were reversed.

[Mr. Excellent]

I wouldn't give money to my friends as a gift. However, I've got some *exceedingly* capable friends. I could easily see going to a few of them and saying, "You know that non-profit you've always wanted to start? Write up a proposal with the details, and I'll fund it - including your salary."

[kopek]

1 - no
2 - no
although in both cases there is a chance that a job could be arranged. Not cushy - real work for fair pay. But not an outright gift. That is more likely now than if I was rich. Someone with not much helping someone with less is one thing - but when the rich do the same thing it becomes too much an entitlement.

[Terraplane]

Originally Posted by gallan

Part 1:
Would you ever give an amount greater than $1 million to any of your closest friends?

Sure I would, why not? What the hell am I gonna do with 250 million dollars? A tenth of that would let me live my life exactly as I please and still die filthy rich. I'd be surprised if I burned through 5 million of it, there just isn't that much stuff that I want.

If so, how would you approach the subject without sounding condescending? Would you be afraid of insulting your friends who might perceive the offer as charity?

Guess what! I won the lottery! It's literally more money than I would spend in 10 lifetimes so I'm spreading the wealth a bit. Here, take it!

Part 2:
The roles are reversed. You're struggling to pay your bills each month and a very close friend now has $250 million in the bank. Would you expect him/her to give you money? Would you be insulted if you were offered money? Would you ever consider asking for money, and if so, how?

If one of my friends won the lottery or otherwise became instantly rich, they had better be buying the beer on our next night out at the bar. Beyond that I wouldn't expect or ask for anything, though I have a couple of friends who I suspect would offer.

I do think the arguments about not being a money fountain make sense, and I'd let people know that any gift was a one time thing. If they demand more well, I'm very good at saying no and if they want to ruin a friendship over it I guess they weren't my friend in the first place so they can just fuck off. After I gave to friends and family, the rest of the money (by far most of it) would go to charity, so anybody who came sniffing around would find that the well was mostly dry anyway.

[Dangerosa]

Originally Posted by CanvasShoes

My instant thought was yes. But no matter what, it would change the dynamics of the relationship.

A million would go a ways, but you would suddenly go from being this person's friend, to being their means of a living (unless they kept their job and just used the mill to supplement their income, which with a million, who could/would do that?). NOT that that would necessarily make my answer no, it's just worth thinking of. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Now, family? That's another story. In a heartbeat.

Part of the issue is people think a million dollars is a lot of money.

Invest it somewhere and lets say you conservatively get 8% a year (average - some people would go as high as 12%, I use 8%).

You need to put 4% a year back into investments in order to feed the beast of inflation.

So you get 4% a year. That's $40k. Before taxes.

Now it isn't hard to live on $40k. But how many people are going to live off $40k when they HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!

And so most of MY friends would increase their lifestyles, quit their jobs, and blow through $1M in about five years. Because it really doesn't take long. And then they'd be worse off then they are today, with houses and cars they can't afford and without work histories.

Gifting people large sums of money is not necessarily a kind thing to do.

[WhyNot]

I have a friend who's friend (sadly, not a direct friend of mine) did indeed find himself suddenly filthy rich and in this "predicament". I think his way of handling it was awesome.

"I have a lot of money. If you need a loan, I will give it to you. Any amount you like, and honestly, I'll forget to collect on the loan with no hard feelings. But you can only ask once. Whether it's $50 for dinner or $50,000 for a down payment on a house, you get one opportunity."

That was 20 years ago. A few of his friends have taken him up on it, but most of them don't, because you never know when you might need it more later...

[TruCelt]

Of my three best friends two are already well enough off and the other is a little bit crazy when it comes to money. There are times when she literally chokes on the word "dollar." If I handed her 100k she'd spend 50 on crap from second hand stores and the other 50 on storage for the crap. then she'd come crying to me about the electric bill, because she quit her job, which she didn't need because she had 100k.

So, for friends as with family: I would put enough in a trust fund to provide them each with a basic level of security, but not a whole lot extra. Say, a basic 2-3 thousand per month. I would also provide for education and/or training as needed. That's it. That's what you get, don't ask me. The rest of my gift money is going to help people whose basic needs are not otherwise met, so don't come whining to me with your wants.

And if one of them won I would never ask, and accept only on behalf of the Celtling. College fund, yes; solid-gold barbie doll, no thanks.

[msmith537]

My friend?! I'm rich bitch! Why would I hang out with those poor losers!!?

Seriously though, one of the common experiences in the documentary I saw (it was called "Lucky" IIRC) was that people who won the lottery found it difficult to maintain relationships with their old friends. The working classes very much define themselves by the work they do. If you no longer have to work, there's not too much in common anymore. You no longer have the problems that they worry about day to day.

In the documentary, it seemed like the most successful lottery winners were the ones who moved into a new affluent neighborhood where there were other wealthy people.