I’ve made a very good friend over the past 6 months. We both feel very comfortable confiding in each other about ourselves.
Well, she said she wanted to get rid of a spin bike that she had sitting in her basement. She was willing to put it on consignment for $100.
I mentioned in a text that she can get much more. She sent me some pictures. I took it on my own and posted it for sale on a few phone apps, and craigslist.
She’s selling it tomorrow for $350. I’m THRILLED to have helped…I LIKE doing this kind of stuff. She told me this morning that she wants to give me $50. She woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was in a CRANKY mood, so I agreed (so as not to make her more cranky).
Anyway, I’m a little insulted. I understand that she wants to show her appreciation. But still, I’m unsulted. WE’RE FRIENDS.
Do I have any right to be??
I recently lent some tools to a friend. When he returned them, he told me tha he had bought a couple of new blades for them, and gave th to me. I told him that it wasn’t necessary, but he said he appreciated the loan, and wanted to do something in return. I thanked him, and that was that.
Cultural and even familial norms when it comes to money are so incredibly diverse. I would also consider it an insult if it came from someone who grew up in my home town. But go even fifty miles West and it would be tantamount to thievery not to give you at least half the difference between what she would have gotten and what you got for her. Families might break apart over whether that was enough or whether she owed you the full $150 difference.
A lot depends upon how much you have, or had when you were little. People who have a lot, and people who have almost nothing, tend to be very generous. In the low end in between though, money is always tight, and always an issue, and can be a very sore subject.
Bottom line, you have to know your friend to know what she meant by it. Be sure to base that judgement on her upbringing, not on yours. If you really don’t want her money, then donate it, or use it to buy a dinner for the two of you.
But each person plays by some particular set of rules when they run into a situation where socializing and money collide. They may or may not know they’re playing by some set of rules, but they are.
And they often don’t know which rulebook the other person has, so it’s tricky.
She may have thought “Yeah, he could be insulted, but it would be far worse if I gave nothing and he expected something.”
You can view it as a bonus for having used your special skill to make the company a much larger profit.
Thanks for the replies. I get it. But she knows me good enough to know that I would NEVER expect anything. Anyway, she’s probably going to try to give me the money tomorrow or Saturday.
Some people are very prideful and just aren’t good with their friends helping them out. It bothers them to the point that they feel that they “owe” something for the help. I know many people like this. I would say just take the money and donate it or buy a bottle of something that both of you can share at some point in the future.
The friend feels you did something nice for them and they’re trying to do something nice for you. Accept it, be happy that you have friends who want to do nice things for you and find better things to get insulted about than a $50 “thank you”.
For every person like you who would feel offended by an offer of money, there’s another person who would feel offended if they weren’t offered any money (or in-kind services). You can know a person for a long time and not have any idea what kind of person they are when it comes to stuff like this. So I would try to let go of your anger and appreciate that she was just saying thank you.
Exactly. I gave up fighting people who want to give me things when I realized that they are doing it because it makes them happy. Why make someone else feel unhappy because of your own feeling of discomfort? If you really feel bad about accepting a gift, you can always donate it or pass it on to someone else. Or even find a way to spend it on your friend, by treating her to dinner or an activity.
That was my first thought. I understand why the OP feels insulted, though. I might feel that way too. I often say “it’s never a chore to do a favor for a friend”, and when a friend won’t accept a favor, it makes you fell like maybe they don’t see you as a friend in the same way. But as others have noted, to each his own. Maybe take one more step and take the friend out to dinner with the money he or she gave you. If that person is a good friend, then dinner should be a good time!
Thanks to your advice she got an extra $250 she wouldn’t have gotten without your help. She feels really grateful and wants to show her thanks by sharing it with you. Whether or not you accept the money, turn it down, buy dinner for the two of you or donate it to charity is up to you, but I don’t see any reason to feel offended.
It’s not her money. It’s the buyer’s money that just so happens to be passing through her palm, thanks to your actions. You made her some cash and she wants to give you some cash. It’s not like you made her soup and she’s trying to pay you for it.
Being able to receive the help when you offered, without taking insult, as your friend did, was gracious of her. You should reciprocate by being gracious in receiving her well intentioned ‘Thank You!’. It is equally important for people to be able to both give and receive, I should think.
But don’t tell her so. That wouldn’t strike me as being very gracious. The friend might now feel that not only do you refuse to accept anything from her, but now she’s obligated you to once again make an effort on her part.
Or just accept the gift and compliment her on her generosity.
