Having a big debate over a money issue with my girlfriend. Would really appreciate some help!

So I offered my girlfriend some money for a deposit on a house. She accepted. I sent her it. She didn’t get round to getting the house. And instead used some of the money for other things like car repairs paying bills and some holiday expenses etc. She didn’t ask me or discuss it with me before hand. I wasn’t really bothered and I didn’t say anything about it until recently. All I said was that it might of been nice if you’d asked me or at least talked to me before using the money for something else. Am I out of line? Am I being controlling? Should she have said something? Thanks for any help!

First of all welcome to the SDMB.
Neither are out of line, you expected her to spend on the house, but it did not happen. Instead she spent it on other things she deemed more fit. No big deal.

I can understand where you are coming from. Now you did not go into detail and I am not going to ask for more background.

By the way the SDMB is not the greatest place for advice, a good forum would be City-Data.

Anyways welcome.

Really more looking for opinions. I’ll move it there for you.

I don’t think you’re out of line at all. You gave her money specifically for the house and she didn’t buy it so she should have given it straight back.

Yeah, you are not out of line in the least. My biggest question is why you are still referring to her as your ‘girlfriend’ rather than ‘ex-girlfriend’?

Agreed.

However, I have learned over a lifetime a trick to avoid ever being in such a situation. I never loan money unless I consider it a gift never to be repaid. If I’m willing to give it on those terms, then there is never any friction later if I don’t get it back, if it’s spent for other things, or whatever. I usually get repaid, but not always.

If you gave her money for a specific purpose, she should have used it for that purpose or discussed the possibility of using it for something else with you.

Your line that she “didn’t get round to getting the house” makes me suspicious about her motives in asking for the money in the first place. I mean, how does one just not get around to getting a house? especially if they have the money in hand for the deposit.

If you did not put in writing how the money should be spend you’re out of luck.
Your G/f saw it a ‘gift’ to do as she pleases and unless you’re really in love with this woman I would be careful about giving her anymore large sum of $$$ . I agree with why isn’t she your ex g/f by now.

She’s being emotionally immature and manipulative – like a lot of humans – if instead of immediately apologizing and admitting she was wrong but instead suggesting that you’re being “controlling” (you don’t say whether she in fact intimated or declared that).

FWIW, I suspect that you were perhaps being intellectually dishonest with yourself or a tad passive-aggressive if you weren’t “really bothered” and your belated response was merely “it might of [sic] been nice if you’d asked me or at least talked to me before …” v. something along the lines of “I’m upset that you used that money for anything other than the declared purpose.”

In what context did this come up “recently”? Tell us more.

Why would you do that?

If you are a serious couple, wouldn’t you be looking to get a house together at some point? And if you aren’t that serious, why would you be throwing around meaningful sums of money? That was a baffling thing to do and I’m not surprised it didn’t go well.

I think if the poster tells us how much dough he’s talking about, that’d help a bit … somehow. (Wouldn’t change the basic answer about her decisions, of course, which was … bad.)

Consider it money well spent because it’s shown you a lot about her character.

She has declared I’ve been controlling for simply saying she should have talked with me prior.

I agree Its a bit passive-aggressive of me to say I ‘wasn’t bothered’ and that I should have said something at the time. My bad!

It came up because she accused me of using the monetary favours out of context in arguments. She only quoted one time I ‘did it’. Where she was accusing me of treating a friend more favourably than her in a monetary situation. Which to me seems well within context. I then said this is ridiculous after you’re using money I gave you as a deposit as you see fit without consulting me about it. Then she claimed I was controlling and here we are.

Why is your money a part of this at all?

If you are not serious, she basically shouldn’t have much of anything to do with your money beyond things you’d buy in a normal courtship (dinners, the occasional heartfelt gift). If you are serious, you two should be at least loosely working toward operating as a financial unit and harmonizing how your budgets work together toward common goals.

Don’t get me wrong, she sounds obnoxious. But you are acting like an idiot as well. You need to figure out what kind of relationship you are actually having and start acting within boundaries that are appropriate for that type of relationship. Forking over cash to people you aren’t basically married to is stupid and is poisonous for a relationship’s development.

A few pieces advice for those thinking of pitching in on their significant other’s house purchase:

  1. This is a terrible idea, do not do it.
  2. Do not just write them a check - offer to write it to the mortgage company upon closing.
  3. There is no #3 - just read #1 as many times as is needed to let it sink in.

I agree even sven but there are still a lot of unanswered questions here:

  1. How does someone ‘not get around’ to buying a house when they said they intended too?
  2. What is your realistic relationship with her including intentions for the future?
  3. How would anyone think that holiday expenses are an acceptable use of funds originally intended for a long-term investment?
  4. About how much money are we talking about here just very roughly speaking?

Someone said upthread that this board is a bad place to seek relationship advice but I disagree mostly. We do tend to be brutal (myself included) rather than overly romantic but it sounds like that is exactly what someone like you needs.

Don’t ever let anyone make you the villain when you do something as generous as giving them significant amounts of money and then watching them do the bait and switch while trying to blame you when called on it. You were stupid but also the victim and they were the perpetrator and should be treated as such. I think this should make you question the fundamentals of this relationship a great deal.

What is the best case in this scenario? That you stay with her and get married? I have bad news for you in that case. That opens you up to a lot more financial exposure as part of a legal partnership with someone that has already shown that they are neither responsible or trustworthy with money that can hurt you a whole lot worse in all ways than this relatively small incident will. I would just chalk it up as a lesson learned, tell her why her financial irresponsibility requires that you make a clean break for your own well-being and never assume any blame yourself.

If you want a pay-to-play girlfriend, there are plenty of them out there that are honest about it and negotiate everything up front. It is the dishonest amateurs that trying to play essentially the same game as a one-sided con game that will really hurt you.

I agree with this. You should really consider if you want to continue a relationship with this woman.

Is her pussy made out of chocolate cocaine and unicorn kisses?

People often immediately criticize, “You shouldn’t have lent them the money!” whenever this I-lent-money-and-they-won’t-pay-back topic comes up. But it’s too late after the fact. Not any help, except to not make the mistake again.

What? Treat a friend more favourably? And your answer is defend yourself by saying that? If her spending bothers you, and it should, then that’s that. There’s no need to use that argument to rank favorable treatments.