Pitting my freeloading parents-in-law.

The BBQ Pit
1

Pitting my in-laws for constantly borrowing money from their daughter, i.e. my girlfriend, while seeming completely uninterested in even thinking of trying to find a way to ever pay her back.

Pitting them for laughing away all attempts to get them to sanitise their crappy economy, and maybe - just maybe - rein in some of that crazy spending they so clearly cannot afford.

Pitting them because this leeching began while my girlfriend was still a student, and so was barely getting by on her own. Pitting them because it has continued unabated ever since, and has shown no sign of letting up. It’s not like she is - or we are - outrageously wealthy, and can just write it all off as a series of nice little gifts. At the latest tally, the full sum is somewhere north of 30,000 USD - for us, that’s a considerable amount of money.

Making matters worse is that, well, for one thing, these people live in a big beachfront villa in one of the nicest parts of town, with a sauna and all the rest of it, plus plenty of empty extra rooms. They’d make a killing on AirBnb. I’ve said as much and offered to set it all up for them, write all the text, take all the pictures, and handle any and all communication with prospective guests. No dice.

They have a painting on the wall worth something like 15,000 USD - selling that and handing their daughter the money would clear half the debt in one fell swoop. But nah.

I recently saw a job offer that would fit the father perfectly - something for you maybe, I said. “Hehe no.”

It’s not just me they’re ignoring, either. Their son, a smart kid who works in a bank, implored them to at least send him the papers necessary for him to create a simple overview over their monthly earnings and spending. Even that they refused to do.

And yes, yes, yes, I do understand that my girlfriend could - and should - have said no, a long long time ago. But she didn’t. She’s weak around them. Pities them. “Wants to help.” Which is understandable. She’s their daughter. They’re her parents. And so all of that has led to all of this, and now here we are. Ugh.

2

Just a little advice.

DO NOT marry this girl until she stops with the gifts.

Perhaps after her parents pass away.

3

Sounds to me like there’s some major codependency going on. I suggest that your girlfriend get some counseling to help her understand what’s going on and how she can break the cycle. Telling her “just say no” isn’t going to do it.

I concur with steatopygia that you absolutely should not marry her until this is fully resolved.

4

What they said. You don’t have an in-law problem - your girlfriend has a parent problem. You have a girlfriend problem.

5

Your girlfriend needs help with learning how to say no and not feel guilty for doing it. Good luck with getting her to see that though.

6

It’s filling some need for the girlfriend— or she wouldn’t keep doing it.

She doesn’t want to feel like a shitty, ungrateful child. They instilled that fear in her, and now they’re using it to their advantage. She’s either stronger than this instilled fear, or she’s not.

There is nothing you or anyone else can do about this situation, I’m afraid.

Until she finds it within herself to say, “No. No more.”, nothing is going to change. You need to accept this. Otherwise it will make you crazy.

Good Luck!

7

Maybe your girlfriend could move into one of those empty rooms and save her rent money. :wink:

8

There’s no ‘in-law’, you aren’t married.

And until this stops you shouldn’t be.

9

What sort of effect is this having for her? Is she not able to make rent or have any money for her own splurges? Make sure you keep your money separated from hers.

This behavior will likely never change. Even if she gets a backbone and cuts off the funding, the parents will continue to expect handouts and will lay on a guilt trip if they don’t get what they want. Obviously, this will have an effect on you if you stay together long term. Her lack of extra funds will affect your ability to go on vacations, buy a house together, save for retirement, etc.

10

Sounds like you pitted the wrong party.

11

This is a dysfunctional toxic relationship and you will get sucked into it. Until she grows a backbone, her parents will always come before you. Always.

Run fast, run hard, don’t look back. There’s plenty of smart self-sufficient women out there who don’t need to buy Mummy and Daddy’s love.

12

Isn’t the OP from one of them fancy-shmacy European countries where pretty much no one gets married anymore?

13

Another vote for DO NOT MARRY.

Or your money will start becoming their money. And she’ll not only see nothing wrong with it, you’ll be the bad guy for objecting.

14

Are there really though? I just wonder because I meet these women precisely never. Not doubting that there are some, somewhere, but your comment makes it sound like such women are abundant.

15

I know almost no women who aren’t smart and self sufficient. They may be married and currently the stay at home partner, but they have the skills to be self sufficient. Or they aren’t married and are smart and self sufficient. Or they are married and the primary breadwinner. Or they are married in a two income household where they would be self sufficient if widowed or divorced.

The ones I don’t know who aren’t self sufficient are college aged girls (or other forms of young adult) - self sufficiency will come in time. The not smart ones don’t exist in my circles - which are either my friends or professional women I work with.

But I’m a college educated professional woman nearing 50.

If you never run into smart self sufficient women, ask yourself where you are meeting the women you know.

16

I, too, know exclusively self-sufficient, rational women… and exactly NO women who would get trapped in this situation.

Guess I’m lucky… I even got to marry one!

She’s never asked her parents for money, nor offered any. And, bonus, our kids are fending for themselves and haven’t asked or offered money.

(And I would rather move into a studio apartment than take money that my kids could use to start building their homes and families and lives.)

17

Thanks, all, for your answers!

To be clear, my girlfriend has a good personal economy, makes more than I do, and has no problem whatsoever paying the rent and then some. We go on vacations and live a normal life. The leeching has, however, made it harder to save up enough money to buy our own apartment – we still rent, rather than own.

Apart from our own, personal bank accounts, we recently set up a common account where we both put in an equal amount each month. So basically there’s her money, our money, and my money, all in separate bank accounts. So far, they’ve only ever borrowed her money. Now, if they ever try to borrow any of our money or my money, well, that’s where I’m going to have to put my foot down.

Would that lead to conflict between me and her parents? Yeah, for sure. At that point it’d be inevitable, and maybe even healthy.

Would it lead to conflict between me and my girlfriend? Probably, yes. I do hope we can weather the storm, though. She’s my woman - I intend to keep her.

Correct! :smiley: I mean people do get married and all, but… Y’know… [insert maddeningly hard-to-read but probably vaguely dismissive European hand gesture here].

18

Sounds perfectly reasonable. Just make sure your GF knows that you’re serious about not being willing to spend any of your own money or your joint money to prop up her parents’ irresponsible lifestyle. And that includes not using any of that money to cover her personal expenses or her share of joint expenses if she gives away too much of her own money to her parents.

Other than that, ISTM you don’t really have a problem: you have a girlfriend who spends what you consider an excessive amount of her own disposable income on an unnecessary and counterproductive cause. Well, that’s her choice. If you can accept that and not resent it, just as you’d accept it if your GF earned less income in the first place, then no problem.

[QUOTE=Steken]

Would that lead to conflict between me and her parents? Yeah, for sure. At that point it’d be inevitable, and maybe even healthy.

[/quote]

Could be, as long as you don’t use it as an opportunity to unleash long-simmering hostility or resentment towards them for the mooching. Just keep calmly saying "I have no problem with Margherita’s [her name is Margherita, I assume?] choosing to give you some of her extra income, but we have established that our joint money and my money are off-limits".

If you rant and scream about what horrible scroungers they are, though, that can be spun to make you look like the bad guy. Politely but firmly sticking up for your rights while not trying to make other people feel bad, however much they may deserve it, is a much better look.

19

" [insert maddeningly hard-to-read but probably vaguely dismissive European hand gesture here]."

Exxxcccellent

20

Hmm, yes. Lots of them.

What is rare is parents leeching out their children. That said, a self-sufficient woman could very well end up in such a situation. These are pretty much completely unrelated issues.