They are totally fiscally irresponsable and expect my husband and I to pick up the pieces again and again. Three years ago they decided they “had” to move. So instead of putting their old house up for sale and then buying a new house they immediately bought a new house. They could barely afford the taxes on the old house, but that didn’t stop them. So, it turned out that the old house didn’t sell, and didn’t sell, and didn’t sell and they were about to loss it because they couldn’t make the payments on both.
Hubby steps in and remodels the old house and gets it sold. Are parents happy? Nooooo He didn’t get enough money for it, even though he got more than they were originally asking. Not to mention that they were ready to give it back to the bank… Now we are paying the taxes on the new house, because parental units can’t make those payments either. Does this make them happy?? Of course not, because if we can pay the taxes, we can pay for the lawn service, and the new appliances, and all the remodeling that is soooooooo necessary.
Arggghhhh. Now Dad needs a scooter that Medicare says is not really needed. So do parents shop around for one, or rethink the need; No of course not. They go out and buy the most expensive one on the market and tell Loving Son that he HAS to pay for it. It’s freaking $4000. We can’t even find one on the web that costs that much. He doesn’t need it for in the house, only to check out his plants in the garden for Og’s sake.
It always sucks when one set (or both sets) of parents start relying on their children financially, not because they’re incapacitated but because they’re incapable of being financially responsible. It’s not like you can really cut them off. I watched my parents go through this with my dad’s father and mother for many frustrating and often painful years, and already at the age of 22 I’m counting myself blessed that my parents won’t cause that kind of trouble. I guess I can’t speak for my future in-laws as I haven’t even got a husband picked out yet, but… crosses fingers
Although you don’t choose to cut them off emotionally, you and your husband really do need to be firm with them about finances. You are enabling them to take advantage of you – or, at least your husband is. Make out a budget for them that doesn’t include you guys.
Who can relieve the two of you from your self-imposed sense of obligation?
I’m with Zoe, your husband is allowing them to act like this. Have you discussed the situation with him? Parents are always touchy to complain about, but if it bothers you, and is affecting your finances, you need to have the talk.
Yes, I have talked to him, but he doesn’t like to. We did do a budget last year and agrred to pay the taxes so they would have an extra 500 per month. But every month they have a new, must have item. In the past couple it’s been a large screen tv, a refrigerator, now its the scooter and new furniture.
It’s like a black hole we throw money into. And we were hoping to retire in a couple of years as well. The worst part is that we get essentially no say, his sister who lives near by oks everything then calls and says PAY.
I’m getting pretty bitter about the whole situation.
If my in laws were this bad (and we’ve tossed a few dollars that direction - most recently towards my brother in law who is making an effort to pay it back) I’d be pitting my husband, not my in laws.
You certainly can’t let your inlaws starve, but you can say no to big screen tvs. And as long as they buy it and you write the check, they will keep buying it.
Ok, I do understand a sense of obligation to help out one’s parents if they need it. If my parents needed a place to stay or help paying for medication or food, I would be there in a second. But if my mom called up and asked me for a big screen tv or new furniture? Ummm…no. If I wanted to buy them an expensive present or something that is my business and if I had the money, sure I would buy them expensive presents because they are my parents and I love them. They would never, ever expect it or demand it though and if my husband’s mom started demanding things from us and he gave in to her, I would tell him that he married me and his responsibility is to our marriage and our family.
His parents are not out on the street or anything dire, he does not have any obligation to them, but as long as he keeps giving they are going to keep taking. It is horrible what they are doing but the responsibility to end it is on him. You need to have a talk with your husband. You are going to end up resenting him and his parents for the rest of their lives. That is no way to live in a marriage - his first responsibility is to you. You need to be honest with him and tell him clearly that this situation is not acceptable to you and he needs to step up.
Yeah, actually you get PLENTY of say over how YOUR money is spent. If sis OK’s the spending, let her pay for it, or let them get all their new toys repo-ed like ADULTS DO when they can’t pay for all their shiny new toys.
It’s not like you’re legally responsible for these people, are you? Does what THEY do go on YOUR credit report? If so, get that changed NOW - if not, then they need a lesson in reality. They don’t need to be spoiled little children - if they WANT something, THEY can damn well pay for it. If they can’t, then THEY DON’T GET IT, just like the rest of us who actually ACT like adults. Just like you & your husband, right?
It’s about time they realized that actions have consequences, and they’ll never learn that as long as you and your husband keep taking away those consequences.
“NO” is a very difficult word to tell your parents, but he’s got to start doing it, instead of automatically handing over the checkbook.
You NEED to sit down with him and have an honest talk about how this is affecting YOU and your relationship with HIM. He’s currently telling you, by his actions, that his parents and their desires are more important to him than YOU and the goals you both have made together.
You also need to tell him that THEY are NOT his primary family anymore! They stopped being his primary family and responsibility when he married you. YOU, him (and your kids / pets / whatever) are his primary responsibility and family. To deprive his PRIMARY family of needed things so his parents can continue to act like spoiled four-year-olds is, quite frankly, irresponsible on HIS part.
Why should yours and his dreams and goals be flushed just because his parents have decided they’d like to have the latest / biggest /most expensive everything?
The proper thing to do is put your foot down and put an end to this extortion. You tell your husband to do his duty, and the both of you tell your in-laws to fuck off. If hubby can’t step up, you tell him to fuck off. That’s the only way, ultimately, to deal with obnoxia of this sort. It’s tough love, no question, and can cause rifts, but the alternative is perpetual abuse. No one needs to be “weaned” from the practice of abusing you. They need to stop it. Now. Once you’ve identified the problem, you’ve got them to blame for it, but you’ve got yourself to blame if you don’t put a stop to it. It’s your money too, and you don’t deserve to be damaged by others because they lack responsibility and/or spine. Take charge, take action, and lay down the law.
Tell him it doesn’t matter if he wants to discuss it or not. You’re discussing it and he’d better talk with you! He’s got to admit that it is a problem and one that needs fixing.
I’d tell them that you don’t have any more money, because of the surgery costs. When they ask “What surgery?” explain that you’re having a spine installed.
Seriously, though, “no” is a powerful word. You and your husband need to get on the same page.
How long are you going to put up with this?
Another year?
Another 5 years?
Another 10 years?
Until they die?
The issue isn’t going away. I’m aghast that they’re taking advantage of you like this, but I think it’s perfectly fair to say “we’re paying X amount in taxes in order to help you out. That’s all we are going to pay from now on. We suggest that you save for a rainy day in case you do have additional expenses in the future.” Then, stick to it.
Either your hubby grows a pair or you start screening your calls. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
You and your husband HAVE to be together in this, or this will suck you down. You are enabling his parents to continue in their irresponsibility and frivolity. And tell dear old sis to mind her goddamn business, or start writing checks herself.
If hubby won’t talk to his parents, then you take over the finances. I have a sneaking suspicion you knew how his parents were when you married him, unless they’ve suddenly gone senile.
Put your foot down now without delay. This has gone on long enough.
About the scooter (not the cost – $4000???) – Medicare generally won’t pay for something like that unless you can’t get up and take two or three steps. You have to be basically incapacitated to get one that way. So while I can’t blame them for just buying one, I’d love to know why they had to get one that cost four times the cost of mine!
Helping once or twice is one thing. This is quite another. They are using your husband, and by extension, you. Enough is enough.
I’d make it really easy for them: Tell sister and inlaws that the one who gives the okay to buy is the one who pays. I wonder how quick she’ll be to say “okay” next time, knowing she’ll have to foot the bill. :rolleyes:
Quit paying. Period.
Hubby doesn’t like it? Too bad. Take control of the finances. It’s your future and your money, too.
Don’t pay for the scooter, either. Live and learn. :rolleyes:
Thanks everyone, we’re working on it. So far not paying for the scooter. I posted in the middle of the night last night because I couldn’t sleep worrying about this whole thing. BTW MRSin is a great guy, just sometimes too nice. I was so angry last night because MrSin finally got angry, which he never does.
I don’t even want to get into the sister thing. That is a thread in and of itself. I’ll update as details become availeble. Again thanks for the support.
