My mom treats my brother better than I and it really upsets my wife. A lot of things I guess I sort of ignored over the years (difference in time spent/visits, flexibility, support with difficult tasks, etc) turned out to really blatantly favor my brother over myself. Part of what brought it to my attention was seeing home movies from 20 years ago and seeing that it had been happening all along, and part of it was seeing how much more involved my mother-in-law is compared to my mom.
My MiL is very helpful and generous with her time. She works long hours yet will still help us with anything we need. While my wife and I are competent adults it feels nice to have someone so dedicated to help if we need it (and also self-aware enough to give us space when we need it).
Conversely, my mom has not helped us with anything since we were married. Even though she will often ask us to visit her/watch her band play she balks at spending the same time with me. At first I thought this was just a cultural thing (caucasian/mexican american) but to my dismay my mom is super involved with my brother and his fiancee re: wedding plans/visits/help.
This annoys the shit out of my wife. She feels like my mom doesnt really care for us (her in particular). My wife has never done anything disrespective to my mom and has often sacrificed her own time (and sanity) to accomodate my mom. I’m just starting to see it her way but its tough because I feel like my mom rationalizes everything she does making me feel like some whiny complaining shit stirrer when I try and confront her.
Have you ever had to deal with in-laws (or parents) like this? How did you resolve it? While cutting her out of my life completely is the “obvious” answer, the fact that she often hosts family events means I wouldn be seeing my brother/uncles/grandfather either.
It definitely sounds like favortism and tha sucks big time, but I’m not sure what the solution is. If you make noises about it to your mother, she might be guilted into being more generous to you. But you will know she’ll be motivated out of guilt, and so will she. Do you want her to just show up or do you want her to actually want to be there? You can’t force the latter.
I wouldn’t cut her out of your life, but I wouldn’t break my back trying to be the dutiful son either.
Didn’t we already have a thread very similar to this one recently? This is sounding really familiar.
Anyway, a couple observations.
I am always a little irked when I see a situation where a wife points out the shortcomings and perceived inequities in her in-laws, the scales fall from husband’s eyes and all of a sudden he sees his parents are shitty people. It is folly, in my opinion, to start comparing the two mothers… it’s just silly and stupid. They are different people with different histories and different priorities, and just because your mom doesn’t act like hers is not necessarily a reason to get pissy.
I have an acquaintance who says the exact same things about her in-laws and compares them negatively to her own parents. I am close enough to the situation to know that this particular woman has a history of appalling rudeness to these in-laws, and is constantly poisoning the well between them and their son, for no good reason. They are lovely people who take her snubs graciously, but have been burned enough to maintain a polite but acceptable distance. I think this is an acceptable truce to an untenable situation.
My guess is if your mother showed the same level of interest in getting involved in the lives of you and your wife, your wife would find it suffocating and irritating, and complain about that too.
So I would just say stop comparing everything and everybody, and take your mother at face value and be polite. Your wife needs to back off constantly criticizing your mom… it really does no one any good, and has the unfortunate side-effect of putting you in the middle trying to “change” your mom (which of course will never happen).
You wife is a world class shit stirrer. She has a nominal adult (you) deconstructing your life history for signs of bias and has you effectively acting like a petulant child to the point of considering cutting your mother out of your life for not being more even- steven.
I don’t know how to break it to you, but life is unfair, people (even parents) have children they wish to associate with more than others, or they just get along with better for whatever reason. Some parents are better at covering this up and some figure that the kids are grown people and everyone can do as they will.
Step back and take the macro view. You are a fully grown adult and your wife has you scanning old home movies for signs of favoritism and thinking of cutting your mother out of your life.
Do you have any notion how utterly crazy this sounds given the scenario outlined in your OP.
You need to ignore your trouble-making wife when she starts this shit, put on your big boy underwear, realize you are all adults and that your mother is done raising you. Your lips are off the nipple. Your mother is an imperfect person who is not actively harming you by preferring the company of your sibling. Get over it. This is insanely childish. Your mother is 100% right on one thing, this is shit stirring to no useful end.
I don’t think the OP is off-base. It happens in a lot of families and power struggles develop as the kids become adults with kids of their own and the parents get older. I had it happen in my family too except in my case, I felt (knew) it was my parents who weren’t pulling their weight. My ex-wife’s parents are awesome.
I started a thread here a while back asking how to discipline your own parents when they did something wrong that follows a pattern. I caught a lot of flack for it from some people who the idea offensive but I didn’t listen to that part and went ahead with clear sanctions. Those worked out quite well. Both my parents know that I call the shots these days on anything I have power over in some important ways and I let them know the terms and conditions ahead of time.
I think it is just basic assertiveness but a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea because the power structure was once quite different. Those power structures aren’t permanent however and have to change over time as life situations change plus no one is perfect.
Tell them exactly you expect, what will happen if they don’t follow through, and then stick with what you say. It only takes a couple of cycles of that before they learn what the new rules are and what happens if they don’t follow them. You do have to be prepared modify your own behavior like breaking off contact if necessary and you also can’t be dependent on them in any way for that strategy to work. If you are dependent on them in some ways like financially (even a little) you have to work to move away from that before you have much leverage.
I didn’t realize this was already hashed out to a fare thee well, and now we have this new thread where he just keeps after it. He’s not going let it go.
If this injustice collecting and complaining about sibling bias to his mom as an adult man is the way he interacts with his mom IRL he might want to consider that she might be minimizing her time with him for a reason and not just because she’s a meanie.
What I noticed in the OP of the thread (the same OP as in this thread) was this perplexing remark:
So your wife believes that the antidote to what she perceives (and what you never perceived until she refused to stop harping on it) as your mother’s lack of involvement is to cut her off at the pass and not allow her to be involved from the get-go. To get down to brass tacks, taking the complaint at face value, this makes no sense. If instead the complaint is motivated by your wife’s unwillingness to meet your mother halfway (as is only fair), then the real rationale behind this strategy is crystal clear.
It sounds as if your wife has some stick up her ass about your mom, and if anybody needs to be stood up to, it is your wife and her petty caviling.
I can see it going either way, with no way of us out in internet land knowing which is correct.
I can see him being the son that isn’t favoured. And has only recently realised it, perhaps with the help of an outside perspective. It happens a lot. I can also see his wife (with her own perspective) framing the relationship with his mother as ‘second-hand’ since it doesn’t present in the way her experiences tell her is loving. Who knows what the truth is?
I would say though - if you feel like someone doesn’t have much time for you, and never makes an effort for you, I would match that level. While I would still attend functions, be happy, bring a potato salad, etc, I wouldn’t drop everything to help them with something if they’ll never help you. Basically, most healthy relationships amongst adults are reciprocal. If you honestly believe your mother is all take and no give, then I would stop expecting any give so you don’t get hurt by unmet expectations, and focus more on people who bring good to your life. That doesn’t mean cutting her off, just a little bit of emotional detachment, so you aren’t chasing something from someone who can’t give it to you.
And your wife needs to back way off. It’s your relationship with your mother, so it’s up to you how you want to manage it (absent abuse and toxicity, of course). It sounds like she’s not getting the relationship she wanted and expected to get from her MIL. That’s sad, but she needs to accept it, because it is what it is and her MIL doesn’t owe her a certain type of relationship. While I think you may only need a teeny bit of emotional detachment, it sounds like your wife needs a dump truck full! She can’t force a type of relationship, and if she can’t accept the more hands-off relationship with her MIL, then she needs to back off and have a minimal (though polite and civil) one. And look elsewhere for the closeness she seeks
I disagree. These situations are more complicated than you think. People bitch about their inlaws all the time but that isn’t what we are talking about here. It is people recognizing a failure within their own side of the family and I think that is usually reputable.
If your own family is not living up to expectations, the menu isn’t limited just to the following choices 1) Let them do whatever they want and take it as a gift 2) Cut them out of your life completely.
There are other options and it would be irresponsible not to deal with lingering and chronic issues for everyone involved. You can set rules about when they can see their grandkids and under what conditions. They don’t have a choice on that one because the parents are the ultimate authority on that. Other interventions depend on what the problematic behavior is. If they frequently become flaky or cancel plans at the last-minute, you give them a schedule without any flexibility and tell them exactly what is going to happen if they don’t show on time and stick with it. If they are irresponsible around the kids, arrange a time for them to spend time with them but have an unbiased chaperon for supervised visits. If you are ever dealing with a flaky or irresponsible person, don’t ever give them an open-ended schedule. Tell them exactly where to be and when and then leave if they don’t show up at the right time.
This stuff is pretty simple to deal with. Just because someone is older and your own flesh and blood doesn’t mean that they are competent or good. You deal with the issues the same way you would when people get divorced and one party isn’t behaving as expected. You can have supervised visits, strict timelines, or whatever else works.
I know what I speak of. I somehow managed to turn one of the most negligent fathers in the world (my own) into a pretty decent grandfather in less than a year. He still does a great job and I never thought that was within the realm of possibility.
Because here, that “outside perspective” seeks to sow reproach and discord in a relationship where it had been absent and nobody had perceived any mistreatment.
Alas, this does indeed “happen a lot,” but only because there are a lot of negative people out there who like to spread misery and strife.
Forcing time compliance with kid visits because the GP wants the see the kid is an entirely different kettle of fish from forcing attentiveness from an adult parent who may not be particularly enthralled or invested in spending time with you (for whatever reason).
This is what i’m realistically planning on doing (limiting my commitment to the level my mom has for me). Regarding the previous thread/outcome, at first I was lead to accept that my mom was like this overall. Then I saw she had the potential to be involved…she just wasnt for me. So I was upset because I stopped acting in denial about the situation.
I think it’s important to remember that the things you give your attention to, the thing your mind dwells on the most, the stuff that you think about over and over…that’s the stuff that grows. It grows because you are giving it so much attention. The more you think about your mom’s favoritism, the more you’ll notice it.
You can only change yourself and your attitude. You can’t change your mother and you can’t change your wife.
Find a way to come to a level of acceptance with the situation and learn to look for the good parts of whatever attention she throws your way and you’ll be a lot happier.
It isn’t about right and wrong or fair and unfair. It’s about learning to be happy with your life on a daily basis. You can’t do this if you don’t learn to love what you have and give your love and attention to the things that make you happy. You won’t be able to find happiness if you’re always looking for the ways things seem unhappy and unfair.
What you seek is what you’ll find. If you are always looking for love and peace and joy you will find those things. If you look for sorrow you will find that too. The choice is completely yours.
Just be fair about it but you do the driving. You have to be bold and not timid in any way but I promise you it will work or at least get better if you follow it. Come up with a plan of exactly what you expect with very concrete goals. These aren’t mind games. You have to tell her exactly what you think and what you expect plus what will happen she doesn’t live up it.
There is nothing special about this. Dealing with older parents is the same thing as dealing with employees or lots of other different types of people except that many people get intimated because they were raised by these same people. That doesn’t matter at this point. Parents of full adults have to be managed just like anyone else you regularly deal with and they tend to get worse with time. You may have to force them into a nursing home at some point or take away their car keys. It is a painful process but just part of the circle of life and it always better to deal with chronic issues sooner rather than later.
Just be completely honest about it and don’t back down because they will always have retorts. Make everything you say have a clear goal, action, and consequences if they don’t comply.
My in-laws don’t make that kind of difference between DoctorJ and his sister. That’s not to say that they treat them the exact same way, mind; there’s a big age and personality gap between the two, so the relationships are rather different. The distribution of time/energy/interest/involvement is very equitable, though. But if they were giving him the shit end of the stick, it would piss me right the fuck off. I’d likely be quite a lot pissier about it than he would. He’s my husband, and anybody treating him poorly has a one-way ticket onto my shit list. That’s just how it works.
Actually, my in-laws’ theoretical difference-making pisses me off far, far more than my own parents’ actually making a difference between me and my brother. (I expect something of a difference because he lives an hour away and we live nearly five, plus he has their only grandchild, but this is something deeper and much longer-lived than that.) Maybe it’s because I’m used to that just being the way it is, maybe it’s because we’re all more inclined to make excuses and give the benefit of the doubt to our own birth families. Or maybe it’s just that I tend to be a lot more protective of him than I am of myself. I don’t know.
As for your situation, I imagine there are a lot of factors involved. IIRC, you guys haven’t been married all that long, and are still in the adjustment phase of learning to deal with family dynamics that are totally foreign to what you grew up with. I call it the “those people are SO WEIRD” phase, and it tends to last a few years. It takes time and patience (and sometimes a bull-headed determination to extend the benefit of the doubt) to stop looking at your in-laws’ actions through the lens of what it would mean if your family did that. And I think that’s a substantial portion of your wife’s ire with your mom–she’s judging your mom’s lack of involvement by what it would mean if her mom acted like that, and if her mom acted like that it would mean something really, really bad. Thus she feels like your mom is treating you very poorly indeed and is hurt and angry on your behalf.
Then there’s the whole “turn our lives upside-down to accommodate Mama” issue. And it can be a total wedge issue, because when you each ask yourself why you’re jumping backward through flaming hoop to satisfy this person,* your *answer is “She’s my mom.” Your wife, obviously, won’t give that answer, and is going to hit the “Beats the loving fuck out of me” point way, way sooner than you will.
Not necessarily. It could be that way of course, but that’s not the only interpretation or possibility. I do know some people who never noticed the favouritism in their family because it’s “just the way it is”, and they were raised in a way that they mentally bought into the ‘reasons’ why the favoured sibling got more. It’s only once they were away from that dynamic and able to see how normal people interacted that they realised what was going on.
Now, I’m not saying that’s definitely the case here, I’m just saying it’s a possibility. I don’t see where there was any definitive sowing of discord in this relationship to be honest, but I can see how that might be occuring. Again, I think it could go either way, but wife still needs to back way off no matter which way it’s occuring in this situation.
