How to deal with our parents and our kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a dilemma. My wife’s family is very involved in our lives (in a good way). They help us out with little things, come to visit, give us space when we need it, in short I have the PERFECT in-laws. I absolutely love them. Not surprisingly, because I like them so much, and show so much consideration and respect, they absolutely love me back :smiley:

My family is not so great, sadly. My mom is the kind of moms that loves to have people visit, but always has an excuse on why she can’t come visit us. This really bothers my wife, and she often asks “Doesn’t your mom care about how you are doing? Why doesn’t she visit/call you? Why does everyone have to come to her house, on her terms for special occasions?”. Back when I lived in tiny apartments, this wasn’t an issue, but now that I am married and living in a house, it bugs me…a lot!

Whats worse is that she’s so used to getting her way that confronting her about it is met with a lot of resistance. I realized I didn’t press the issue for so long because she’s the kind of person that will convince you that you are crazy and refuse to acknolege or comprimise on anything you feel. Its made me feel very torn and I’ve acted in very irrational ways (going back and forth from being furious at her to vehemently defending/justifying everything she says and does).

Whats gotten me more confrontational is the thought that in a year or two, we will be having kids…and while my wife’s family will be super involved, I don’t know how involved my family will be. My wife has said that she’s not sure how comfortable she will be with our kids being around my family, because she sees the lack of involvement she has in my life (and my brother’s) and while I should probably agree with her, it breaks my heart to think that our kid is not going to have a relationship with my side of her family :frowning:

When I was a kid my dad really didn’t like my mom’s family; he used to make fun of them and avoid hanging out with them at all costs, yet I still got to see both my mom and my dad’s family which really meant a lot to me. I’m trying to get my mom to be more involved in our lives but its a real uphill battle, and seeing how wonderful my in laws are just makes me more upset about the whole thing…is there any positive endgame to all of this?

2

Your wife is not making sense. “I don’t think your mother is involved enough in your life, so let’s set a better example for our children by making sure they aren’t allowed to spend any time with her”?

I sympathize a lot with your problems, which bear a little resemblance to some of the issues I’ve had in my own extended family. However, I am blessed with a wonderfully supportive husband who has always encouraged my efforts to normalize relations with my mother. It’s tough enough having a difficult relationship with a parent without having a spouse who won’t work with you to make the best of the situation. In your shoes, I’d probably have a heart-to-heart, mutually respectful discussion with your wife to help her understand that even though she means to help, her attitude is making the situation worse for you.

It is also hard to predict (unless your mother is already a grandmother) what she will be like once there are grandkids in the picture. I think my mother visited us twice in 16 years when we didn’t have kids. Following the birth of her grandchild she has visited 5 times in 13 years, despite the fact it’s far harder for her to travel now than it was then, due to advancing age and infirmity.

3

My nuclear family were “the out of towners”, so it was always us who visited with the rest; also, I’m the Spanish version of a “three culture child”, in Spanish terms it’s as if one side was from Texas, the other from Boston and we lived in Alabama - many customs, many things which people take completely for granted, were different in all three places. I second what CairoCarol’s said about how your mother may become more “proactive” once there is a grandkid to coo at, but in any case, it’s not going to hurt your kids to know that one side of the family does things one way and the other side does them in a different way; it’s a good start to knowing that people do things in different ways and that this is OK so long as nobody gets hurt.

4

Whilst I sympathise with your situation, I think your wife needs to understand and accept that different families operate in different ways. She sounds quite judgemental and I wonder how much of a problem you had with your family dynamics before she started comparing them to hers?

I have seen this from my sister-in-law, where her family are all very much involved in each other’s lives. By comparison, our family is spread from New Zealand to Australia to England, and we rarely call each other. Yes, our family may seem less caring than hers, but the reality is that her family is constantly having dramas where someone isn’t talking to someone else, and some other poor sod is tasked with playing peacemaker. Whilst our family may not seem close, whenever support has been needed (and there have been about three emergency/medical situations in the past five years), everyone has immediately rallied together.

Of course, if you want to change the nature of your relationship with your mother, that’s up to you. But you need to be aware that it’s going to be a tough battle and her behaviours are well ingrained.

For the record, my mother has no relationship with her three brothers so my brothers and I never knew them or their families. We were much closer to my parents network of friends than to their actual siblings, and we turned out just fine.

5

Unless there’s more to it (and when isn’t there?) then your wife sounds like she’s being unreasonable about this. Your children will not be harmed by having a slightly distant relationship with their grandparents. It’s far worse to exclude the grandparents entirely. Also, your parents behaviour may change with grandchildren to inspire them to be in more regular contact.

6

I think that you and your wife are assigning intentions to your mom’s behavior based on what that same behavior would mean if her family did it. My mom is not a huge one for visiting or calling, but she thinks of it as “giving them space”, and she adopted the behavior at least in part because her own mother was too involved. As SandraNZ points out, families that are very close can be really supportive, but they can be stiffling as well: what if one of your kids turns out to be more like your mom than like any of her family, or otherwise just really, really different from your wife’s family? Having another side of the family to click with could be everything.

7

I’ll chime in and say that this describes my family as well. We are very “low drama”
We are all spread-out and may not speak on the phone for months at a time and rarely get together. Yet we all get on brilliantly when we do. To have an “in your pocket” relationship would do my head in.
Still, we all know that we are there for each other when the shit really hits the fan.

So as has been said, different families work in different ways and you can’t seriously expect your side to conform exactly to your wishes, that’s going to cause no end of resentment.

I’d suggest that, as long as your side aren’t actively destructive, you need to accept it. Extend invitations, make it clear that you would welcome visits and then let it go. Que sera and all that. Consider yourself massively fortunate in having even one set of in-laws that match your preferences exactly.

8

Hey, I didn’t know my sister posted here! :smiley:

It’s the same with my family. Meanwhile, my husband’s family is very much the “must spend all holidays together in one big group, must communicate constantly, must call Father and Mother lots” type, and it drives my husband crazy.

9

It’s not exactly clear to me from your post what you want your mom to do that she doesn’t do.

Visit you at your house, is that it? Not trying to sound snarky, just trying to get it.

Why doesn’t she like to visit you at your house, do you know? Does she not like to visit anyone? Are there financial issues involved in traveling? Does she live farther away than your wife’s family?

One thing I’ve learned reading the Dope is people have some really funny issues. Some people have a lot of anxiety issues around food, or their own beds. I had no idea until the Straight Dope that there are people that leave work to go home to poop.

Would it be so terrible to accept your mom on her own terms?

I was always very puzzled that my mother-in-law didn’t visit my husband when he was in the hospital after a heart attack. She came to visit as soon as he came home though. It clearly didn’t bother him and I know her to be a truly wonderful loving person, so I didn’t hold it against her, just was puzzled.

I came to find out, years later, that everyone she ever visited in the hospital had died, including her own twin sister at the age of 5. She was terrified that if she visited her son in the hospital he would die.

People are funny, but we are usually better off by trying to be in loving relationships with them anyway.

10

My brother didn’t just marry his wife, he married completely into her family; this has changed somewhat with the arrival of The Nephews. A few months back, Bro was going on and on about how his wife loves her aunt so much and they talk on the phone every day, not like our family, yadda yadda, and at one point he says “that’s what a normal family is like!” I finally lost it and asked “so how often does she speak with her other six aunts and uncles?”

One of my mother’s favorite rants is on how “you [Mylastname] are so antisocial, you never call each other, never see each other, not like my family!” “So when was the last time you spoke with any of your cousins? At the last funeral? Well, at least us antisocial Mylastnames see each other for weddings, baptisms, first communions, in the spring to have fresh asparagus, the January 4th lunch and we recognize each other and say ‘hi’ on the street…”
Just don’t let this become a “your side/my side” perma-rant. They’re both “our” family now.

11

This could well happen. My parents have spent more time visiting my house in the ten weeks since I had a baby than they did in the ten YEARS my husband and I lived together before she was born. I’m not even kidding.

Even if prospective grandma doesn’t step it up, it’s not the end of the world for kids to be closer to one set of grandparents than the other; I don’t see why your wife would be uncomfortable with the kids having a relationship with your mother at all just because the relationship won’t be as close. I’d bet most families end up being closer to one set of grandparents than the other due to geography, personalities, or other reasons. It doesn’t need to be a huge deal.

12

I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found a wife with a family who communicates their love and support in a way that you can hear and feel it. It sounds as if you don’t hear or feel it from your own mom much - which is not the same thing as saying she doesn’t love you. It’s very possible that she loves you to the ends of the earth, but she says and shows it in ways you don’t immediately click with or notice. (Do I really need to include a link to the Languages of Love book? It applies to more than romantic love.)

But for myriad reasons, many of which have already been given, I think you need to stop trying to change your mother. Fundamentally changing someone else just doesn’t work. Helping someone make changes when they *want *to make changes is hard enough; forcing them to make changes when they’re happy with the status quo is about as likely to work as converting a wind turbine into a haystack with a plastic spork.

If company helps, then add me to the chorus of “my family is just like that”. I talk to my dad twice a year, if that. I email with my stepmom maybe a dozen times a year. I actually see them once every two or three years. I only have a vague idea of what’s happening with my (step)brothers because of Facebook, and I still haven’t met some of my nieces yet. But I love them like crazy, and history has shown that when the shit hits the fan, they are so very much there for me and vice-versa. It’s just not in our natures to have a daily or even weekly relationship.

Shit…the *only *people I talk to daily are my SO and you guys…

13

This sounds very like my mother, who has Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The NPD behaviours make her want to be the centre of attention and in control of every situation. She also wants to be praised non-stop for every breath she takes.

There isn’t really IME anything you can do about it, other than either cutting her out of your life completely, or playing along with her neuroses. The former will likely see you bad mouthed to the world and his wife for ruining her life and not speaking to her any more “and I have no idea why!! I was a good mother!!!”, the latter will make you as miserable as hell having to jump through her hoops on her command.

14

Is it possible that it’s physically difficult or stressful for your mom to visit and she’s just not admitting it?

My mom hasn’t visited our house in over a year. Much of that is because she probably feels in the way - her version of a “vacation” is to do the exact same thing she does at home (sit in a chair and sew), only in a different location. Which irritates me because my kids are young and extremely active, she is actually is a bit in the way - all of us are constantly moving while she’s sitting on her bum and continuously turned the volume on the TV up because we’re “too loud.”

And the activity bothers her, so she takes it out on me and my husband. Which leads me to reason number two - while she’s not old (she’s 66), she doesn’t take good care of herself, so she’s probably not in good shape. Not only can’t she handle the mental stress of a somewhat chaotic household, the act of traveling makes her nervous and tired. It’s not worth it to her anymore, especially when we’re willing to come to her.

My take on it is that you’ll just have to get over it and accept it. Visit her when it’s convenient for you or make time when you can if it’s almost never convenient for you.

15

You can’t change other people. You can’t make or get other people to do what you want. The only positive endgame for the OP is to adjust expectations to reality.

16

I saw that you said she prefers to have you come visit her – separating the issue of the fact you would like her to visit you sometimes – how are the actual visits to your mom’s house? Are they nice? Pleasant? Is it far away and the actual travel to your mom’s is a hardship for you?

I’m trying to figure out if the imbalance bothers you merely because it is imbalanced, or if the visits themselves to see your mother are problematic.

17

My mom works part-time, and she is really active in the Bluegrass music scene. She goes to music festivals frequently, and we’ve occasionally went to hear her band play. She has the time and energy to pursue her hobby, but when it comes down to visiting someone else she is ‘too tired’. When I suggested maybe she mix it up/compromise and occasionally spend Mother’s Day (which she always goes to a music festival) with us, so we can have all the moms hang out together, she replied, “But what will I tell my bandmates? I can’t just ditch them like that!”

When I told my wife, she was pretty angry about my mom’s response. It just seems like her fun time is simply more important than her family, unless its convenient for her. Its not a matter of physically being unable to go places, because she drives 3+ hours away to play in gigs and stuff all the time. Its just that she seems to want to do everything on her terms- there is no compromise. Everything has to revolve around what she wants/her convenience.

I guess I was kind of numb to it for a long time; like I said, for many years I lived in a tiny apartment and it wasn’t really possible to host stuff. But now that I live in a house its really noticible how unwilling she is to comprmise and it sucks for me because it really bugs the hell out of me. All events always have to be done at her house- that means my uncle has to drive my 86 year old grandfather down to my mom’s (an hour away) because god forbid they just do it at my grandfather’s house (where my uncle lives and takes care of him) so that he can just chill out in an easy chair instead of bear an uncomfortable car ride.

Back during Thanksgiving we wanted my mom to join us, but she always goes to her cousin’s, and the idea of visiting her recently-married son in his recently renovated house to eat a Thanksgiving meal that his wife cooked in lieu of writing grad school papers was out of the question. When I pressed the issue, again it was met with a comment to the effect of “Well I wouldn’t want my cousin to not see me!”

I kind of feel like I’m a low priority in her life because she just assumes I’m going to come to her for important events so why does she have to put any effort into it? I sacrifice my own time to spend with her, and since my parents have been divorced for years its ALWAYS been a comprmise for me over who to see- I always try to alternate holidays with either family or visit both in the same year, but I don’t just blow off seeing her 100% because someone else is more important.

So this has been bugging me for some time, and moving into a nice big house and having such caring, considerate in-laws made me more upset about it, because (and I know I shouldn’t compare, but I do…) when I see how much of a priority my wife’s family makes to support us and be a part of our lives, it reminds me of how little of a priority my mom makes :frowning:

18

Purplehorseshoe nailed it, in my opinion.

You cannot force relationship, and you are setting yourself up for frustration and failure when you expect her to be other than as she is. What you can do, is adjust your expectations. For whatever reasons, she currently prioritizes her other interests above visiting with family. It’s not a hanging offense. She’s not doing anything actively harmful to you, beyond not behaving as you would wish. Again, what you can do is recognize that’s how she is. She still loves you all, I’m sure, and you can choose to still love her. What you can’t do is expect to shape her behaviour.

Just because she’s this way, just now, doesn’t mean she will be forever. People have life changing, sometimes traumatic, epiphanies everyday. She could get her fill, of what she’s currently enjoying, any day, for all we know.

Having an open heart, in the face of having been hurt or disappointed is absolutely a choice. In my opinion one of the most important decisions people make, in life.

19

I guess your wife would be angry at me and my whole extended family then. I sure hope neither of my sons marries someone who expects me to drop everything whenever they want me to do something because she will be very, very, very unhappy. I’m sure I’m missing something here but how can she be angry that your mom didn’t appear when summoned?

It looks to me like your mom is an active person who has raised her children and now expects some free time for herself. I say good for her. Your in-laws would drive me crazy and your wife’s judgement of how others should live their lives would get a shrug and a laugh from the shiftless family.

20

Your mom sounds pretty normal to me. She has a full life. You should be happy. Your wife sounds like a piece of work by the way.