My wife’s parents recently moved from Arkansas to northern Virginia. This means that I now see them a couple times a month instead of a couple times a year. They really push my buttons and I always leave stressed out. I’m hoping some of you wise folk have advice on how to better deal with them. This being the dope, I realize that there’s a good chance the advice will be get a divorce.
First off, they are horrible to each other. My MiL picks and nags at my FiL and he retaliates through passive aggression. It’s pretty hard for me to hear her constantly criticize him and I’ve let slip an occasional “if you don’t like the way he does it, why don’t you do it yourself?” Which creates this weird silent tension like “that’s not how this game of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe is played.”
My FiL is a control freak and he uses food and directions as his delivery mechanism. He is obsessed with routes and telling you how to go places, even places he’s never been and you have. He has a real hatred of navigation systems in cars and kind of argues with it while your driving.
There is much, much more. They have way too many dogs where they live now. They lived in the country before and kind of let them out every day and back in at night. Now, these untrained country dogs are cooped up in a McMansion in the burbs with a tiny yard; they’re this jumping, barking wad of chaos in the living room. As a dog person, their complete lack of any kind of training is really frustrating. They are always giving me unsolicited advice, but I think their lives are kind of train wrecks. There’s so much more, but I’ll stop.
I’m going to see them this weekend and I need to figure out a better way. Currently, I kind of force a smile until I snap, say something a little mean and then force another smile. I’d just get drunk, but there isn’t enough booze. Anyone have coping strategies to share?
What does your wife think of all this? Does she know how this upsets you?
I think you have to realize that while this behavior bugs you, for whatever reason it works for them. They are most likely not going to change. All you can do is control your response. Unsolicited advice? “That’s very interesting. I’ll have to look into that.” Ignore your FIL’s navigation and go the way you want.’’
As far at the dogs go, is there a limit to the number they can have in their community and are they violating that? An anonymous call to the HOA may be in order.
In the meantime, perhaps meet at a neutral location or at their house, so you can leave at the time you want, rather than having them over to your place.
Thanks, I appreciate the input. My wife gets that it bugs me and they bug her too, but they’re her parents. Her attitude is that they’re old and visiting gives them pleasure.
In the past, I’ve suggested that we stay at a motel when we visit them for multiple days (they’re just far enough away from DC that you’d want to overnight for a weekend visit), but it triggered such a passive aggressive freak out that we only did it once.
On the dogs, the sheriff has already been out twice. Twice, I’ve seen one of the dogs kill cats, including one of their own house cats and it recently attacked and nearly killed a neighbors dog that came over to say hello. The other dog was off leash, but still. Anytime we visit, I’m on edge because I feel like we’re one second away from someone having to try and wrestle a big old country mutt to the ground. They almost never walk them, so the first thing I do is take all three out to get some exercise and take the edge off, but they refuse to get a muzzle for the killer. Instead they got a can of mace to spray on other dogs that get too close. So now on top of everything, I have to worry about my MiL accidentally macing me.
On the life advice, they don’t take bland non-answers. They keep prodding, I think this is a manifestation of the passive aggression, but maybe I’m being unfair. I’ve tried a lot of the obvious stuff, so maybe this is just a chance for me to vent.
You’re missing the most relevant information here: what is your wife’s reaction to all of this?
My SiL went through this with my similar mother, and my father who just talks over everyone (instead of the passive-aggression). She got through because my brother didn’t make her take the brunt of their crap. Not that it stopped my parents, but as a team bro & SiL were pretty effective in shutting it down. When my nephews and niece came along, the implied threat of “cut it out, or no access to the grandkids” was much more effective.
Personally, I just recently decided to amputate my parents from my life because of that crap. Since I had neither spouse nor kids to deflect it. (My brother was not at all surprised by this development.)
You need to get your wife on board with you to deal with this. In all likelihood, she’s innured to it, having grown up with the situation as her norm. You’ll have to make her understand it’s a problem for you, and you need her to help you out here.
Like I said, they irritate her too, but they are her parents and she certainly isn’t going to cut them off. They moved here to be near us in retirement.
Bring a case of beer or a few fifths of vodka. Personally, I’d sneak out back a toke up, when I’m high I have a fantastic tolerance for assholery.
I love my gf’s family. I look forward to visits. But if I didn’t enjoy visiting them, I wouldn’t. Life is too short and all.
In your shoes I would drive the wife down, drop her off, and keep in touch periodically by phone, while you go to a motel. Then you can go to the museum/bar/club/park/etc and enjoy your day(s).
And is your wife being supportive of your frustration, or just letting her parents aggravate you until you can’t take it any more?
Trust me, as they get older this isn’t going to get any better; it’ll only get worse. If you and your wife are not working together on this, it’s going to grow from a problem with your inlaws into a problem in your marriage.
Seriously, man up. I had expected so much more than what you described. Substance abuse, violence, disputes with neighbours, squabbles over inheritance. What do we have? A bickering old married couple? Wow, never seen that before. Unsolicited and unwanted advice from elders? My God, you must be the first one in history to get that. Pets being uncontrollable? Oh come on.
Don’t visit as often – you don’t need to go every time your wife does. When you do go, bring a book or kindle or something, and at times withdraw to another part of the house when the chaos is too much for you.
For other things, utilize sharp lessons. “FiL, I don’t like it when you tell me how to drive – stop doing it, or I’m not going to drive you anywhere anymore.” Yes, it will cause a little drama – but stick to your guns and you’ll get through it. If your wife isn’t supportive, then just stop seeing them altogether.
You don’t have to have a great relationship with your in-laws.
No, until this summer, we had an elderly dog and I made it clear that their dogs were not allowed near my dog. My FiL once brought his dog on a leash “accidentally” towards mine to show that it wouldn’t be a problem and I said “Bill, if that dogs gets any closer, I’m going to kick it in the fucking head” and I clearly meant to do it (stood up, put me between the dogs and got ready). That’s kind of the level of a hint you have to give him.
I agree with others. I suggest this two part plan:
Tell your wife that visiting with your in-laws is very stressful and that you will not be seeing them except for important family occasions. Tell her you support here seeing them, but that you will “have other plans” whenever she plans a visit.
Don’t go, unless it’s a birthday or something along those lines. Make another plan - golf, fish, movie out, washing your hair, church work, boy scouts, laundry. It doesn’t really matter what it is. She just needs to tell them you had a conflict and you can’t be there.
She can see them as often as she feels she needs to. You don’t need to be there. It won’t do anyone any good to have you there, and it may actually make things worse.
If they come to your house, again, GTFO. Be somewhere else and minimize your contact. Such a bummer that you had that fishing trip (or whatever) already planned. You’ll see them soon.
All of this is great advice. Don’t go as often and use a kindle when you need some time alone. Their dynamic is their own and you will not change it now so try to let it roll off you.
I think you abandoned this solution too soon. Sure it triggered a freak out the first time. And maybe it will the next. But if you make staying in a motel the norm for your visits, eventually they will have to accept it. They fought it because they thought they could win, and they did. If you and your wife present a united front, that you would love to visit them, but you will be staying in a motel, there’s not much they can do. The motel would give you a place to escape to when things get too frustrating, and would reduce the time you actually spend with them to more manageable chunks. I think you should talk with your wife about whether to give the motel option another try.
One of the best pieces of marriage advice I received as a newlywed when it came to families was, “You take care of yours, I’ll take care of mine”, meaning (IMO) be supportive of your spouse, but let him/her take care of their family issues. You can offer an opinion, but don’t go sticking your nose into it, lest you suddenly find yourself in the middle (or muddle, maybe?) of decades-old family drama.
One of my BILs moved out of the state for this very reason.
I meant to say that after my BIL got married his wife insisted they move out of state so my BIL wouldn’t get caught up in my MIL’s drama. My husband and I tend to keep our distance from her, too, but we will visit her every once in a while. Our visits are rather short, lest the drama rears its head.
If you’re in DC and they’re in NoVA, how can they possibly be far enough that you’re staying overnight? I can’t think of where there would be McMansions with small yards that would be more than a 2 hour drive.
I agree with others’ advice. Visit less frequently - your wife can go alone. When there, find a way to take some breaks.
