Just don’t go. Or don’t go as often (as others have said).
Seriously, twice a month out-of-town visits to the in-laws? Even if you DID get along with them, that’s a lot. I don’t think I see my own parents twice a month some months, and both me and Mr. Athena like them, and they live about a 2 minute drive from us.
One of the big things I’ve learned as I’ve been in a long-term relationship is that when you can’t agree on an activity, you have to learn to do it on your own/let your spouse do it on their own. I know it’s always more fun and/or supportive when you’re together, but if it’s as bad as you say…seriously, just don’t go.
I completely agree with this. Just ride out the meltdown, it will be worth it. Then you’ll be able to drop your wife off in the morning and join them later, because you have to “get some work done” or “return some calls”. Even if you stay there all day, knowing you have a break coming up makes a huge difference (I speak from experience here).
About your MIL picking on your FIL. I never made any snarky comments to my MIL when she picked on my FIL. But I did take it as a cue to focus a lot of positive attention on FIL. You and your wife can make this a cooperative effort - give it a try.
The other thing that has been of benefit to me in many situations is the realization that I don’t have to get engaged with everything going on around me, if I don’t choose to. I spent a lot of time nodding and smiling, and would make an excuse to get back to the hotel early if I needed to.
It sounds like you’re doing the best you can with the dog situation. Good on you for protecting your dog.
Along a similar vein, I think it’s time you invented an incompetent co-worker. Imagine the company has been forced to hire the VP moron son. Whenever he screws up (which will be often, especially if you are away not watching him), you must rush back to handle the emergency, protecting the company and your job.
Honestly, you’re echoing their behavior. You’ve described how you react with hints and forced fake reactions until you get aggrieved enough to let slip little mean comments, which sounds to me a lot like you’re being kind of passive-aggressive. You’re looking at some of the things wrong in their household and their interactions with each other and wanting to give them unsolicited advice. I’m not trying to bust your chops, particularly because I’m not sure I’d be any different in having to deal with exhausting relatives like that. I’m just trying to give you some perspective to help you sort out what you can’t change (how they behave) from what you can (how you react).
The suggestions to distance yourself are excellent. Be forthright (but polite) that you’re concerned about being around their violent dog and will not expose yourself to danger.
Ultimately, how they talk to each other is between them, and you don’t have to engage. If you’re stuck in a situation like the dinner table where you can’t avoid having their interaction get up in your face, then you may have to speak directly – not about them but about how you feel. “That’s hurtful to me to have to hear. Can we talk about something more pleasant? I know; we passed by a car accident on the way here, and there was the most gruesome …” And so forth.
If he starts in your driving, don’t give him a bland non-answer. Tell him that you know what you’re doing and don’t need advice (not rudely, just straightforwardly). He won’t quit, and you will just have to repeat yourself while also trying to train yourself just to ignore him. Again, you don’t have to engage.
It will be disruptive to the family dynamic. There’s no way around that. The goal is to get to a place where you’re picking your confrontations and expressing yourself directly, rather than letting them control the agenda and bottling yourself up.
My wife’s family was challenging to me for a long time on all fronts. My mother and father in laws made a lot of poor business choices and seemed to always do so with good friends involved so that when their investment failed, their friendships did too. Another challenge was that though my wife is mildly Jewish as are her parents, her sisters went full Orthodox in their Judaism, which limits when they can do and what they can eat since they keep kosher.
As others have said, step 1 is to communicate with your wife and make it clear what your problems are with all parties involved to make sure she understands how you feel. You will likely reach the agreement that you are “busy” when a visit is required.
Step 2 is to make lemonade out of lemons, and if you do have to make a visit out of the area, as it is for us, run annoying errands or take care of other issues that need handling so the ‘wasted day’ isn’t so totally wasted. Note that all these errands also explain why you are so busy all the time and can barely visit.
Step 3 is to avoid hot button issues that cause fights when a visit is required. Talk to any Orthodox Jew about politics and you are sure to want to open up a vein because the conversation will inevitably turn towards unfair treatment of Jews versus (pick any other group, ever) and how some politician clearly hates the Jews/Israel. Ergo, no discussions about that, and if they try to turn it that way, you change the subject.
Step 4 Always have a “hard out” to manage expectations for the visit. That is, “Sorry we can only stay for two hours because <real or fictitious event must be attended>”. Again, see Step 1 about how you are always “busy”.
They live out almost to Harper’s Ferry and anything beyond Manassas is pretty much a 2 hour drive from DC. Yeah, I realize that seeing them less is the answer, I was hoping for more of how to deal with them when I see them. My strategy is basically smile and hope my brother in law has a kid so they can go bug them.
When they direct their crap at each other do your best to ignore it. It’s clearly just how they’ve decided their relationship works.
When they direct it at you or your wife, just don’t put up with it. You don’t have to be mean or fly off the handle over it, just a calm firm explanation that you don’t appreciate how they’re treating you/her and that you would like them to stop it. If they keep doing it give them an ultimatum, cut it out, or we’ll cut you out of our lives. And stick to that.
I know it’ll be hard, but the only other option is just what you’ve been doing until they kick the bucket. Which may very well be the way to go. Really up to you on what you think you can better handle.
As one dog person to another - you should follow up with this.
Contact the animal control or dog warden or whoever handles this in your county. Go in person, if at all possible. Tell them that you’ve seen this dog kill cats in addition to the recent attack. Follow up with the sheriff and also with the neighbor, who is likely facing serious vet bills right about now.
The upshot may be that the poor dog gets put down. That’s awful. But it’s less awful than allowing it to go on killing other pets. There’s no excuse for keeping a dog with a killing streak in an urban setting. It’s not his fault that he was raised improperly, but serious steps need to be taken, and it looks like no one else is willing to do it, so it’s up to the OP.
On the upside - your inlaws will probably stop talking to you. High five!
There’s nothing to report. The dog that was chewed up was illegally off leash and had come over to sniff butts; their dog was on leash. The in laws did stick around to talk to the owner of the attacked dog and there was an investigation, the other owner was at fault. The first cat was a barn cat in Arkansas, the second was in their own living room.
What stresses me out about them is that they are constantly making bad decisions that lead to chaos. There’s always some bulshit going on, a tv blaring that no one is watching, dogs barking etc. They are the types of people who can’t have silence, they need to fill it with bullshit small talk, but absolutely don’t want anything of substance except for a bout of extremely uninformed political discussion.
I have a high stress job, I work in conflict zones and I’ve earned my days off. I have to admit, I’ll drop something just to shut them up every once in a while; they’ll press about work so I’ll tell them about a guy I worked with who was beheaded and then just kind of observe the processing.
I straight up told my wife I couldn’t go to her parents’ house anymore because the thermostat was set at 88 degrees year-round and the TV was always on and they fought constantly and their damn dog thought so highly of me that she would run over and pee on my feet “out of respect,” etc etc etc
They were all things that bothered both of us, but we had different bullshit thresholds and if I were the one to step up and tell them how to act in their own home it wouldn’t have gone well.
For holidays and such we set ground rules. We wouldn’t go first thing in the morning and spend the day, we’d show up to help cook and eat and have an exit planned. She would deal with the TV and the thermostat and offer (threaten) to reschedule if they would rather fight than have us over. If her dad asked the same inappropriate prying question 4 times in a row she would intervene and say “Dad, four non-answers in a row is the answer. Drop it.” There was no negotiating with the dog, but spending less time there helped.
As much as dislike putting down any animal, it’s safer to do so in this scenario. You don’t want the dog to go on a killing spree. It’ll also tip off AC about the rest of the dogs.
They have cats (albeit one fewer than they started with), right?
Do you have cats?
If not, develop a sudden severe allergy that means it would be dangerous to stay the night there - you can hang out at the house but HAVE to go to the hotel to shower and get new clothing. Doctor’s Orders.
To be honest, I find that a strange question. She’s my wife, the person I love above all others, of course I don’t want to needlessly upset her. Not surprisingly, she loves her parents and she wants to see them. And also not surprisingly, she wants her husband present in the marriage. She doesn’t want to go through the rest of her life making up some lie to her parents about why I’m not there. While I can feather back how often I see them, I can’t completely write them off without hurting my wife. This thread has helped me figure out a strategy for dealing with my in-laws by reminding me the first rule of marriage: if it is important to him/her, then it is important to me. Believe me, my wife puts up with enough of my bullshit that I can put up with some of her parents bullshit.
This is exactly what I came in to say. My FIL is the passive-aggressive one, and can be downright crotchety as well. My MIL is a sweetheart whom I like a lot. It pains me to hear the way he talks to her sometimes, but OTOH he has bought a card and put it on her pillow every night they have been together. It’s their marriage and it’s lasted over 40 years. I view it like eating tomatoes - disgusting to me but some people seem to enjoy it. I do make it clear to MIL that I support her. 10 years ago they moved 300 miles away for my MIL’s job. We now only see them 4-5 times per year, but the flip side is that each visit is 3+ days. That’s plenty of time for my nerves to fray.
He, too, is a control freak (with hoarder tendencies, no less). When we go somewhere he loves to give directions (whether driving or not - hell, whether he’s even going or not). If he is going with us I do one of two things, either let him drive or follow his directions. Even if I know a better way. It’s really no skin off my nose either way. He watches the Weather Channel or Cooking Channel almost exclusively, at very high volume. In the middle of a conversation he’ll pick up a book and start reading, then continue to read for hours and ignore everyone else. I could go on, but just know that I get where your coming from.
Over the years I have learned to just let it roll off my back. If it gets to be too much I go take a walk or go to another part of the house or go to a local sports bar to “watch a game that’s on a channel you don’t get”. Hell, I even once what to get a haircut I didn’t need. My wife understands that this is my way of not going to prison for murder. Sometimes it’s not easy, I’m not usually one to swallow my opinions. It has, however, proven to be the best way for my wife to have an enjoyable visit (the real point of the trip anyway) and for me to keep some semblance of sanity. Hang in there, man!
Indeed, that’s my first reaction. I expected much worse and I think that you should learn to become indifferent to this stuff. It’s neither something grieviously bad, nor, essentially, any of your business. And on top of it, you can’t do anything about it and their behaviour won’t have any consequence on you.
I would also limit my visits. You’re not under any obligation to go with your wife every time she wants to visit her parents. This is something you should work out with her. She feels she has a moral obligation to see them often, fine. But she should take into account your aggravation or simply your lack of interest, and not demand that you accompany her every single time.
See them less often and when you do, ignore those behaviours, let them slide.
Being present doesn’t mean doing every single thing together, regardless how irritating this thing is for the other. You should take into account her desire to see her parents, she should take into account your desire to not be involved in her family’s drama, and come to some middle ground.
And as for lying, you don’t need to invent an excuse to not go with her every time she visits her parents. You’re expected to have a life of your own, your own family or friends to visit, some house work to do, some leisurly activity you enjoy, whatever. If asked, “Madmonk didn’t come because he’s attending his monthly underwater basket weawing course” (or whatever else you’re doing) is a perfectly valid answer.
I have the same problem. My wife’s family is annoying as fuck and since they are only a 1.5 hour drive away, she likes to visit them almost every other weekend.
The way I “deal” with it is I simply don’t go. Or I go when I please since I’m the one with the car. If my wife’s parents are willing to drive all the way to our apartment, drive her and the baby out to the country and drive everyone back on Sunday, that’s their business.
Usually I’ll be selective and only drive out there when there’s a big family function. And then it’s usually the day of so the event will take up most of the time and we can just drive out the next morning.
But yeah, I would encourage anyone thinking of getting married to remember that you are also marrying the extended family.
From your wife’s POV, your happiness should come before the happiness of her parents.
If I knew my wife was justifiably uncomfortable when being around my parents, I would not be upset if she didn’t want to visit them. Her happiness trumps the happiness of my parents.
Nobody wants to cut off a relationship with a parent, but the spouse comes first. I’d say fewer or shorter visits would be the answer. The wife loves her parents, but if that relationship would hurt the spousal relationship, then there’s a big problem.
I learned something that surprised me, last year, a family story I’d never heard. This would have taken place around the time of my birth. My great-grandmother lived for a while with my maternal grandparents. She was the mother of my maternal grandmother. At this time she was failing in health, both physical and mental. My grandfather was upset because some of her physical problems caused, shall we say, an unhealthy hygiene problem. Grandma took care of her mom, but Grandpa threatened to leave her if the situation wasn’t resolved. Grandma went to talk to her minister and he told her her husband came first, as painful as that might be. So my great-grandmother went to a nursing home.