Stop bullying my wife's parents into moving near you, you manipulative bitch of a sister-in-law

Setup: my wife has a sister with 4 kids. Her family lives in Upstate NY. My wife’s parents live in Pennsylvania, where they have lived all their lives, and where they raised my wife and her sister.

Obviously, this causes difficulties at times, because my wife’s parents want to visit their grandchildren, and often drive the four hours up there to see them. On some holidays she brings them down to see them here (whereupon they tear my in-laws house apart, and her and her husband do NOTHING to help cook, clean, pay for anything, but OK thats a different thread and my in-laws are grateful for the visits as stressful as they may be).

A few years ago, she announced they were no longer bringing the children home for Christmas, because she wanted to have Christmas morning at home, and enjoy the holiday rather than rushing through their presents, then rushing the brood into a van to Grandma’s house.

While it broke my wife’s parents heart and has kinda ruined Christmas for them, we understand why its hard for my sister in law to come down here with all the kids, and in giving in to her implied threat this would be the only way my wife’s parents would ever see their grandchildren for Chris----EEEEEER “a compromise” we now come up and see her family the day after Christmas. Oh, and my brother in law has parents too, who live near us, so the distance is a hardship on them as well. I have to be fair—they always come down for Thanksgiving and Easter (trust me, my SIL has threatened to not come down for those holidays either). I should also mention me and my wife have no children, and we have no “grandchildren” hostages of our own.

ANYWHOOOO . . . .this past Thanksgiving, it was revealed that my sister-in-law is now demanding her parents/my wife’s parents sell their house in PA, and move near them. Said parents have made it clear over and over again they dont want to move up there, they have lived HERE all their lives, and don’t like Upstate NY and hate the weather up there.

“Well” said my Sister-in-Law, not only to them, but to me and my wife one night, "I told them they can make the decision now, or I can make it for them."
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Uh, say WHAT???:dubious::dubious::dubious:

  1. What do you mean YOU will make the decision??? You have this thing called my wife, who happens to be your sister, who also happens to be their daughter too.
    Oh, and by the way, my wife has a job where she has made contacts with powerful attorneys in the area. So, let me know how trying to declare my wife’s parents incompetent works out for you. BTW, my in-laws are both in their early 70s, have all their marbles, and are in decent physical shape for there age. I dont see them going senile anytime soon.

  2. My wife’s parents have made it clear: they are NOT moving up there. If you want free babysitters, which is partly what this is really all about, how about considering you and your husband finding a job down HERE??? No one asked you two to get married and move 250 miles away.

  3. My wife is more than capable of taking care of her parents than you are. How do I know this? Because unlike you, because you live 250 miles away, my wife actually visits and spends time every weekend with her parents.

I also know this because my Mother in law has to sleep on the floor when she visits you, because there is only one couch to sleep on, and it makes her uncomfortable because of physical problems. The floor isn’t great either. My father in law has made it clear he doesn’t want to get a hotel because he likes to get up early with his grandkids, and my mother in law doesn’t want to stay at a hotel by herself. Your husband has a well paying job: how about bucking up for a sofa bed for your Mother if you care for her so much you want there to move closer to you so you’ll be such a good daughter to her?

3… I know what’s next: "if you want to see the grandkids while they are still growing up . . . .

Well, I have news for you, honey. Me and my wife talk to your grandkids, a lot. Keep pushing the issue and maybe the next time Im in the room out of earshot with your sons, Ill mention how you are trying to push your parents into moving up here or they wont let you see their grandparents again. Wont that be an interesting question for you to try and answer when little Tony asks"Are you taking Grandmam and Grandpa away from us?"

Dirty pool? Not as dirty as you telling them they can’t eat candy or they will get “fat” like your sister (as revealed by little Joey).

Update: I found out this weekend my in-laws visited again, and here was my sister-in-law who found a nice ranch for sale in her neighborhood and took them to tour it. My wife parents smiled nicely and said, very nice house dear, but we are not moving up here. EVER.

Dear Sister-in-Law: I see right through your manipulative little game. You are pushing my in-laws to move up there now so you can have a free babysitter, and then when they do need to move into a home, and Im SUUUUURE you’ll find them a real nice one, you dont have to drive down here to see them.

But Im on to your little bitch game. The notion that YOU will put my in-laws into a home up in the frozen shithole you live in without any input from my sister is the height of obnoxiousness. And if you decide to hold your children as hostages, we have a plan for that too.

You aren’t going to win. My in-laws are staying here in PA. And they are going to see their grandchildren.

WHEN AND IF the time comes for them where they are not able bodied enough to come visit the kids, we will all sit down, like adults and discuss our options, AS A TEAM.

But if you want to fuck with me and my wife with some power play using your kids as hostages, we are ready to go to war.

Honestly, that’s a problem you’d do well to stay out of. It’s a no win for you.

Wish I could. But my wife is extremely close to her parents and having them move away would break her heart and hence make my life miserable. The fact they’d be forced to move away by someone being manipulative would make it 10 times worse and tear her and her sister apart, which I would have deal with too. Throw in making it harder for her to see her nieces and nephews who she adores would add to the problem further.

I also have to side with my wife, who feels her parents are being unfairly manipulated.

I don’t see how the parents can be “forced to move away.”

Just say no. She will run into the limits of her power. She can’t make someone move.

Totally with you on the SIL being a manipulative pain, and that your in-laws shouldn’t have to deal with it. And if all you’re doing is venting, I say go for it - you’re justified.

But when you say stuff like “we are ready to go to war” then you lose a little of my sympathy. How is this your war? Your in-laws can handle this themselves. If they decide it’s worth it to move to be closer to grand kids, then they can do that. This “war” sounds like you plan to play your own manipulation games to keep them close to you.

Just out of curiosity, how old are the kids?

I now feel a little better about my family and in-laws. Not much, but some.

Holy cow, dude. I have to tell you, it’s fucked up that you want to put the kids in the middle of this. If I were their parent and you pulled that shit, you could count on not being unsupervised with them again - in the unlikely chance that you’d be with them at all.

Do not do this under any circumstances. It will accomplish nothing but making everything worse for all parties involved.

I missed the part in your OP where you threatened to attempt to poison the kids against their parents. You lose even more of my sympathy for that shit.

And you might think you’re the greatest aunt and uncle, but guess who wins in a poisoning battle between you and the parents (who are with the kids all the time)? Hint - it ain’t you.

Exactly right. The phrase “putting out the fire with gasoline” comes immediately to mind.

Russian Heel, you’re right that your SIL is being obnoxious, but try to think less about escalating, and more about deflating, if only for the kids’ sake.

If SIL really wants to take care of the in-laws when they need long term care, assisted living, etc., then I suggest that you play the long game and go help the in-laws pack.

n/m.

WTF is the point of this?

1: The parents are in charge of their faculties and they don’t want to move.
2: Who cares what anyone else says?

Seriously there seems to be a single sis-in-law that MAY hit some war drums and you are already in apocalyptic mode?

You are giving the sis-in-law way too much power in your relationship with your wife.

Just some mini-pits:
1: The parents have all their marbles and it doesn’t matter what you think is right for them.

2: The parents have all their marbles and it doesn’t matter what you think is right for them.

3: Mother in law isn’t forced to sleep on the floor, there are other choices and these mentally competent people have decided the floor is worth it…or; the parents have all their marbles and it doesn’t matter what you think is right for them.

3:: Bringing kids into an adult problem? This is your solution to the problem? Your Mom is being a bitch so I am going to be an Asshole?
Again you are giving the sis-in-law way to much power in your life, why are you doing this? Have the parents asked for help? Are the parents going to be unable to continue with telling their daughter no?

Good responses, Id say turning the kids against their parent is more of a sinister fantasy than anything, but Id never have the balls to do it. My nieces and nephews (age 4-15 btw, distance Harrisburg PA to Rochester NY for those who were asking) seem to have enough of a good relationship with their grandparents that if the SIL went through with her threat of cutting them off, Id hope they’d see through the facade themselves and drive her crazy enough to give in (after all, who doesn’t love Grandma?)

I have no plans of escalating anything. It is the SIL who made the initial threats of “I’ll make the decision for them”. And she has alluded to the cutting off the grandkids if she doesn’t get her way remarks in the past when it came to forcing both sets of grandparents to visit her on holidays (and this is something that could have happened without threats). If anything, she is the one who threw down the initial gauntlet and raised the stakes.

For now, my in-laws have said no, and hopefully she is bluffing. But you have to understand they are retired, and the moon, and stars revolve around these grandkids, so if she does pull that card, you can see how it would make their lives miserable if they don’t do as she says. Im sure they are not the only grandparents in this situation.

Unfortunately, the SIL has now created a situation where even if my in-laws woke up one morning, had an epiphany, and declared they would love living somewhere where it is 20 degrees below zero and 5 feet of snow every month and sway from all their friends and life back in Harrisburg, we’d still be convinced its because the SIL manipulated them to do so, and they’d not be happy they did. So, the SIL ruined any image we have of them deciding to do this on their own by spouting off her big mouth to us, in essence, she already admitted she is trying to coerce them into moving closer to them.

As for me getting involved, theres an old saying “Happy wife, Happy life.” Please understand I have to hear these updates on a weekly basis from my wife and every time I hear them I want to put my fist through a wall because I hate bullies. I’d love to see things and try and explain them to her from my SILs point of view (which I have in the past, as a sounding board), but like I said, she said what she said right to my face, too, so I really can’t.

And btw I LIKE my SIL, I enjoy her company, and she is a good mother, but she is also as stubborn as a mule and tends to trample anyone who gets in the way of what she wants. So, I question whether or not even a serious sit down with all parties involved to have a serious discussion about the issue is going to work though thats what I think would be best for my wife, her sister, and their parents (not me, not my brother in law, who btw had a reasonable idea a few years back but thats another story).

Again, the parents have all their marbles and it doesn’t matter what you, or the sis-in-law, think is right for them. I know this is hard for some children to understand but her parents are adults and have been making adult decisions probably for a longer period of time than you or your wife. It doesn’t sound like they are infantile so let them make their own damn decisions.

Your OP says you are going to go to war over harm to your wife or you using kids as hostages and I don’t see anything involving either your wife or you. Other than you might have to drive further to see your in-laws which some people would pay for.

Is this is really your pit?
My SIL* is thinking** (maybe) about ‘forcing’ my in-laws*** to move closer**** to her; which is further**** away from my wife.

*SIL; who you like with minor caveats
** is thinking; but not doing, other than showing a house for sale in the area that was immediately turned down
*** my in-laws; who have full mental capacity AND DON’T WANT TO MOVE
**** closer/further; but still within driving distance, 250 miles, for either child no matter where the parents live.

IMHO; ask your wife if your parents are planning on moving and the answer is no maybe you can bring up that she might be overreacting. If the parents are planning on leaving then maybe have a talk with them and if they still want to leave offer to help out. It doesn’t matter what the SIL, your wife or whatever SuperTeam you all form; the parents are probably mature enough to make their own plans.

Couldn’t the families alternate where they spend Christmas? That’s what we used to do when we lived in New Zealand - we spent one year’s Christmas in Christchurch with my family, then the next year’s Christmas in Auckland with my husband’s family.

Out of interest, where are the SIL’s-husbands parent based? Are they having the same pressure put on them?

Maybe they don’t like to visit PA because that means having to see the OP, too.

Sounds to me as if being manipulative runs in the family.