Dopers with parents and in-laws within close range: how do you do it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My SO and I have been together coming in on two years, and we’ve been diligent about splitting the holidays and time with our parents; his mom lives 20-30 minutes away, my parents are 90 minutes away. For a frame of reference, all suspect we’ll get married, but we haven’t (and won’t) tell them until we get engaged next summer. We had Thanksgiving with his mom last year and Christmas with my family, this year we’ll switch. We have dinner at his mom’s house every other weekend, and we sometimes babysit his (much younger) siblings. If my parents come into town (for a conference, for dinner with us, just to hang out and shop) we almost always see them; once or twice it’s involved moving dinner plans with his mom, which has never bothered her since she’s close by. It seems fair, and all parties seem happy at this point.

However, in the next 2-4 months, my family will be moving to within 20-30 minutes of us, and they’re *very[/I excited about seeing us more often. I like my family quite a bit, and will enjoy seeing them more, but I can already tell that we’ll need to present a united front and be very diligent about being fair to both sides. I have absolutely no clue how to go about doing this, or what I/we should plan for.

Some background info: he’s his mother’s first child and only biological child; he was an only child for ten years. I can tell she’s tried very hard to let him go, even though in his eyes they aren’t as close as they are in her eyes. She very generous with us, letting us do our laundry at her home and with making us dinner. She and I get along very well, but she can be passive-aggressive at times, and I worry we won’t know if she’s upset.

My father’s family lives thousands of miles away, and while several of my cousins have in recent years moved to the US, they’re close to me but not so much to him. So my family functions growing up always included my mom’s family. My mom is is no way used to sharing; it was always her family around at the holidays and whenever they decided to drop by (all of her siblings live far, but they travel often and money’s not a problem). She adores my SO and we both suspect she will have trouble sharing us. I also suspect she’d like nothing more than to be the “primary” family, as her family was while we grew up.

Compounding things is that my SO is in many ways (admittedly) closer to my family than he is to his mom. He’s more comfortable around them, he’s given his own room and desk (we aren’t allowed to share a room yet; his bedroom is cluttered with his mom’s crap/storage in her house) and he loves playing board games, walking the dog and talking about sci-fi with my youngest brother. He and my parents share similar political interests, which often makes for more lively conversation than with his mom. I often make an effort to say (in front of his mother) how he likes spending time at his mom’s house, if I ever sense that he talks up spending time with my family too much.

So, how do you handle it when your parents and your in-laws live close by?

2

Can I make one suggestion? I am reading between the lines of your post, and making some assumptions. Feel free to ignore me if I am reading the situation incorrectly. Quit trying to manage your SO’s relationship with his mom. It’s ok to worry about the logistics, but she’s his mom, not yours, and they have this hugely complex relationship that predates you by decades. You are seeing his coldness towards his mom and it bothers you because if you acted that way towards your mom, it would mean there was something terribly wrong in the relationship. So you want to help them, but you really, really can’t, and you can damage your relationship trying. So don’t try to make her feel better about him, don’t try to “cover” for him when he is more aloof than you think he should be, don’t nag him to call her on her birthday or go hug her before you leave after dinner. Just let them be.

I guess my solution is that you worry about what it takes to keep you and your family happy, and he worries about what it takes to keep him and his family happy and then you meet in the middle and talk it out. But don’t make worrying about both families your job. That won’t make your SO’s relationship with his family into what you think it should be, and you’ll put yourself through a lot of futile frustration with both him and his mom.

3

I really don’t do what you’re saying, but I see where you might think that. In actuality, before I was in the picture he was extremely distant; in high school, he ate in his room alone for dinner. He was furious that she had adopted kids after him, and did not view them as siblings. When we started dating, she invited us to dinner in front of him; he (at the time) gritted his teeth and accepted. Somehow in time he’s let his anger go. He now has a much better relationship w/ her, which he credits to me. And I credit him with improving my relationship with my parents, which was strained (though not nearly as much).

I don’t think worrying is “my job”, I was just looking for advice on how people handle it when they live in the same general region/area as both their parents and in-laws.

4

Well, that’s tough titties for her, isn’t it? You’re not hers to share or not share–you’re your own, both in the singular and the plural you, and you two are the primary family. The sooner you guys get that established with both sets of parents, the easier things will ultimately be. Because let’s face it, putting the two of you first is going to mean doing things that won’t best please either of them, and they’re eventually going to have to learn to suck it up and deal so it saves a lot of conflict and drama if that point comes sooner rather than later.

5

It depends on how you feel about the people in question, that’s all.

My boyfriend’s immediate family lives within blocks of us, and he has a large extended family that has mostly stayed in the same town. I run into them when I walk my dogs or go to the grocery store. We eat meals together several times per week, and I babysit their kids. How do I do it? Easy! They are frigging awesome. The nicest people ever, and have made me feel so welcome. There is very little drama or negative dynamics - they treat each other well and enjoy each others company.

My family lives 6 hours away, I rarely see them, and that’s how I like it. Just being in the same room makes me feel crazy.

6

If it is important to everyone to spend time together and they are both going to be the same distance from you why not start doing your weekly/biweekly dinners at your place? I know you’ve mentioned before that you like to cook and if you are going to be getting married your parents should probably get to know one another a bit anyway. If that isn’t an option just let them know that you will be doing dinner with your parents the first weekend of the month and dinner with his mother the third weekend of the month or whatever works for you and leave it at that.

7

Oh, we’re pretty good about not doing something with either set of them if we need alone time. You’re right about the drama, I’m glad that it’ll get ironed out sooner than later. I’m well aware they’re both going to have to suck it up and deal; being the oldest naturally makes it incredibly hard for them to let go of us.

This is a great idea for the future. It never crossed my mind. Our place is the size of a shoebox (intentionally) but can’t really hold more than 4 people comfortably at a time. And in one year, the SO is off to law school in a different city. But I’ll probably have a bigger place once he’s gone, and we could host when he’s in town, and make it a habit when he’s finished with school.

You reminded me of how their impending meeting is bumped up as well. They’ve all mentioned wanting to meet the other family, and my parents’ huge house would intimidate her, and her home is simply too small. It’ll have to be dinner out.

8

This was our solution. My in-laws live a little closer physically to us and his family is a lot closer mentally, so we still see them socially quite a lot. My family, on the other hand, is slightly over an hour away from us, but we never really socialized more than a few times a year, even when I was single.

So instead of juggling the two extended families plus our combined children with varying and odd custody schedules, we host the holiday parties and some others during the year. My husband’s grandmother was getting tired of doing all of the work, so we asked her if she’d mind if we did it one year. She was so pleased with the idea that she gave it to us permanently. Of course, we have a big house, bought partly with that in mind, but it works for us.

And it helps that I married into a really nice family, even if their degree of closeness was a little unsettling for someone who’d been brought up a little more distantly, at first.

9

You only see the in-laws once every other week for dinner? How will that be a problem with seeing your own family?

10

Well, it’s a bit of a source of friction - his parents live outside of Charleston, maybe two hours away. Mine live minutes from us. When my parents are in town (they travel a lot and live part-time elsewhere) I eat dinner with them several times a week. He never comes, which is a source of pain to my mother. When I bring it up, he points out that I never go to Charleston with him to see his family, which is true. I mean, it’s a ways, but, um, I don’t really like them all that much. I still see them more than he sees my family, though, actually! And it’s always torture to get him to go to my parents’ big Christmas party, which is a really big deal to them.

11

My husband and I both live in the same town as our parents. You just have to set boundaries and then stick to them.

Of course, it’s a little different for us because we have kids, which adds a whole 'nother layer of complications. See, my MIL would spend just about every day with us if she could, but I just can’t take that. I like her, and we get along, but she annoys me and just one afternoon with her wears me out. But my daughter loves her, and I want them to be close, so a lot of times I send my kids over but stay home myself. When it comes to special occasions like birthdays and holidays, I go have dinner with them without question or complaint. But just a casual Sunday cook-out? A lot of times I’ll opt out, and just send my husband over with the kids. I think sometimes it bothers my MIL, but that’s too bad–I need my space and seeing them every single frickin weekend is TOO MUCH.

My family is a little different. My parents are so busy with their own life we couldn’t see them every week even if we wanted to. But when we do get together, it’s understood that my husband’s attendance is optional (unless, again, it’s a special occasion). My mom had her own in-laws-in-the-same-town problem, so she and my dad bend over backwards to try not to overstep boundaries or crowd us. The funny thing is, though, I love my family and wish we could spend *more *time with them.

My sister lives here, too, and since we’re both stay-at-home moms with small children we get together all the time. But that’s different-she’s more like a best girlfriend and it doesn’t impact my husband’s life much at all, because we hang out during the day when he’s busy at work. (Although he does sometimes make smart-ass comments about how much we talk on the phone. “You just saw her fifteen minutes ago. What else could you possibly have to talk about?”)

All in all, I love having so much family so close, but that’s because I’m lucky to have a nice family, and to have married into another nice family. I think it’d be a nightmare to live so close if the families were disfunctional.

12

This is why when you are dating, you should really consider your SO’s family, before you committ to a long term relationship. You’re not just marrying her (him), you’re also marrying their family.

Besides, finances, I think one of the biggest stressors on a relationship can be your partner’s family. Especially, how your partner interacts with them, the boundaries he/she has set on their influence on his/her life.

Setting boundaries for all parties is important. And if it’s your mom that’s going to have the biggest problem, then take her to have coffee and be very clear up front.

13

Actually, it’s more like 3 times/month that we see his mom. We only really miss one week/month. So we’ll probably have to scale back with her so we see my parents more equally. But my parents are very last minute, they always have been. In high school, they would ask me to babysit my younger siblings (4 and 8 years younger than me) the day of. Lots of hand wringing and gnashing of teeth ensued, but I got them to tell me at least 4 days in advance if they needed me to watch them, so that the other weekend night I had my own time to see my friends. So I imagine I’ll be doing something similar - asking for a definite night days in advance. It’ll just be annoying to get them back in the habit.

Yikes. That’s no good. We all have a good relationship now, but in the back of my head I hear a little voice saying “That’s because they don’t have to compete for your time!”

I agree completely. We’re both pros with the current situation - the problem is the rules of the game are changing. It’s the “they’ll-both-be-equally-far-apart” conundrum that’s got me a bit nervous.

Do you set boundaries with words or actions? I’d rather not sit someone down and shoot from the hip, but rather create a pattern of behavior.

And as for kids, those won’t be happening for upwards of ten years, if at all. Thankfully right now all we have to worry about is the two of us.

14

So far we’ve been able to do it with patterns of behavior, which I hope works with you, too. But if either side doesn’t “take the hint” or whatever, you’ll need to go the route of sitting them down and talking it out with them. Better that than letting resentment grow and fester. (Says the Queen of Conflict Avoidance.) :wink:

15

Generally speaking, the partners have to both be committed first to each other, and put their loyalty to their birth family in a subordinate position. Second, I think it’s best if each person “handles” their own family as much as possible. Sure, I coordinate babysitting with my MIL, but if there’s anything serious to talk about, my husband handles it.

For holidays we either have a shindig for everyone at our house, or my parents host something for everyone at their place. But of course the only people who live near us are my mom & dad and my MIL. My SIL visits for holidays and is welcome at my parents’ too. It works out well, but I don’t know quite what we’d do if we had two giant extended families nearby.